So, it’s been a year since I posted. I’m sorry for that. To you, of course, but I know what you’ll say, and yes, I do need to apologize. Because I’m also apologizing to myself. I miss my art. I miss interacting with the community. I never meant to cut so much out of my life.
The last year and change has been a nightmare. I lost my ex-fiancee, my prospective life partner, and with her my life direction. I dealt with a years-long porn and sex addiction, and a massive resurgence of suicidal ideation, including an eighth attempt just after my ex and I’s would-be anniversary. My sister recently left for college again, and I’m without support in the house. And last Friday I lost my cat of 23 years. For anyone keeping count, I was 4 when I got her. My mom and I went to the pound together and I picked her out. She’s the same age as my sister; this house, this family, has never existed together without this cat. I missed her passing by only minutes, after having been with her her last few days. I was so crushed I curled up around her and fell back asleep holding her on the couch. The vet had to take her from me (gently) because I knew I wouldn’t be ready to let go.
I still live with my parents. I still am closeted by them at home, though I’ve come out to some family and all of my friends and coworkers generally know. I have less direction and interest than ever before, and I’ve given up on music (possibly for good). I still work a dead-end part-time job and can’t afford to move into the area I currently live in. Without moving hours away, I literally cannot move out. My life feels pretty without hope or direction, and I’m stuck on an autopilot loop most days. The days I’m not, I’m usually in an anxiety spiral because I feel disallowed from being myself. My music degrees might as well go straight in the trash because non-recorded, non-orchestral classical music is…basically in the perfect little niche of nobody wants it, and I’ve not done it in over two years now so I’ve been trying to make my brain finally accept that it’s time to give up. Everything I spent my life on…I can make more in starting salary than I could going back for my DMA. My entire life so far has been worthless as far as a career goes.
But it hasn’t all been terrible. I now smile when I look in the mirror. I love the woman I’m becoming. I’m coming up on my one-year anniversary on HRT. I have my bottom surgery consultation and electrolysis both scheduled for early next month. And I only a week ago recieved my court order to change my name. My parents don’t know yet; I’d meant to talk to them before going to court, but after weeks of being put off (yet again), I went in and filed. Where I live, gender marker is self-selected with name changes; I will be legally recognized as myself, as a woman with my chosen name, before the election if everything goes smoothly. I also have two beautiful girlfriends I love and miss terribly, that I long to finally move in with. I have to wait a few more years until I’m post-op to get to nest with them, but that gives me hope to plan for.
I haven’t been to another con since FurTheMore this March, and the few friends who live around me are generally introverted. I am desperate to be amongst friends again, among cities and their vibrancy, and most of all among my partners. As an extension of that, I have been missing this community deeply. Even if it wasn’t paying, I had a sense of direction and positive pressure, to produce and publish new work to share and connect. When I went on hiatus, I’d begun fleshing out my characters’ world more, as well as building a second universe for characters specially designed for my partner. I haven’t gotten to share any of that yet, and I am EXCITED to. It has devastated me being away.
I can’t promise if/when I’ll be back long term. Life is still coming at me hard and fast, and I’m trying to finally move out and get the freedom to be my weird kinky fun-loving self and not some starched-collar suburbian disappointment. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t look at my tablet each and every night and wish for the energy to sit and create and share again.
Which reminds me. I have at least two finished works that have been waiting! My lord one was completed just after hiatus last year, and the other was inked in January and colored one night in April. And I think at least one of them’s my best piece yet! (Perhaps not my top subject matter, but composition and technique I’m proud of!) This idea of backlog is great but…I’ll never post these if I keep that up. I want to share these! I can’t believe you haven’t seen them yet!
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7 months, 2 weeks ago
15 Sep 2024 22:55 CEST
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