So, my grandmother died on Sunday, July 28. Now granted I didn't really like the woman, but...seeing and listening to my mother sob and cry all day long broke my heart. My grandmother treated my mother like shit the whole time she grew up, and treated me like crap, too; I didn't even feel like a grandchild to her. But...she still has a lot of people that DO care about her, and that will be at her funeral sometime next week. Also, it means that my mother and I are likely gonna be kicked out of our home with no place to go, since the power of attorney belongs to my evil uncle now that my grandmother is dead and he's greedy for money and is gonna kick us out of our home to build apartments on the land. And, hearing my mother talk about "It's gonna be my turn next..." just made me want to cry. Not only because I don't want to be alive without my mother, the ONLY one that truly loves and cares about me, but...it'll mean I really will be all alone.
Eventually, my entire family...even the most distant ones...will be gone. And I will eventually die, all alone. I have nothing. All these people I've met online throughout the past 20 years...dozens, maybe even over a hundred, have blocked and removed me from their lives. I still look up my saved notes of them, on Deviantart and FurAffinity and any other place I have them stored, and I get so depressed, because despite the hardships we may've shared, I miss almost all of them. And I really just want them back. I don't WANT to 'move on'. Life is short, and can be over before you know it, so why push people away that really want to care about you? Everyone can change, if they want to.
I do meet new people now and then, but...it's just not the same. And it won't be the same when I eventually do die, whenever that may be. I used to be so much happier back in the late 2000s, early 2010s. Everything was going great. I had a lot of great things going for me and I was surrounded by a lot of people I loved and felt so happy with. But then...things just started to change. Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. And, as much as everybody wants me to believe that I was the problem...I'm done believing that shit. I'm not gonna let people gaslight me into thinking it's always been me, me, me. My siblings and father tried to beat how worthless I was into me during my earliest years...people during my 12 years of school tried to beat it into me...so, I'm done letting people online tell me how 'awful' of a person I am when I know I'm not. I make mistakes like everyone else, I'm flawed like everyone else, but I'm not the monster people continue to label me as. And I never was.
I don't want to die alone. I want things to go back to the way they used to, and it's never too late to make that happen. I'm not going to let the past die, because once you let the past die...all you have left are memories. And I'll be damned if my life is nothing but memories. The past can be repaired and made into a better future. But I can't do it alone. I just need those of my past to come forward and see me, and let's fix things between us. I want to. And I'm willing to do anything to make it happen.
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5 months, 3 weeks ago
30 Jul 2024 10:58 CEST
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