I hate politics. I try to avoid talking about it and stay away from places where it's discussed. But, damn, I've realized that politics finds its way to me anyway.
I don't like connecting any characters I love to reality. Not one bit. Reality is a dirty place, no matter where you look. It's nothing but entropy and chaos. And humans add politics and beliefs on top of that.
I've tried, I've tried hard to avoid reality, to escape it and focus on my lovely creations. But no dice. There's always someone who'll shove their views in my face. And even if they say nothing, they're still forcing me to pick a side. Staying silent doesn't help either. Silence is just another form of "refusal" or "agreement."
I don't want that. I just want to cuddle with my adorable Tails without letting him be tainted by any of the filth from reality. Rather than bringing him to my side, I'd rather go to his.
He doesn't deserve that. Even if they're born from reality, none of the Tails deserve that.
How many "friends" would I lose if I don't conform to others' wishes? Even if we share the same interests, even if we got along well before all this happened. But as soon as "those issues" come up, if you're not on the same side as them, your relationship becomes like "Infinite Impermanence" - even if it evolves to infinity, it's still just a fleeting illusion. Bound to burst and crumble one day.
How long can such fragile friendships last? I don't know.
So I'm afraid of friends. Humans aren't like VEX or Gestalt networks. There's no true unity of mind, no complete mutual understanding. Humans are a species bound by duality, limited by it. Duality isn't a gift, but a curse. When electrons can't sing in perfect harmony, how can they create a chorus that flows forward as one?
The cycle of division and unity seems like truth - but it's just the inevitable result of failing to sing the same melody.
I should say, I'm afraid of all of "reality." Everything here is so terrifying, seemingly hopeless.
I should have died 4 years ago. I don't feel much different now than I did then. Surrounded by fear, only Tails and the children of my pen give me any remaining warmth...
Of course, I haven't changed either. The void in my heart can never be filled. No matter how much I create, it only barely keeps me from dying - but it can't make me feel alive. And what I write can't make money anyway.
Even so, hostile gazes are always watching. Even so, I still can't cuddle with my Tails without worry.
I don't want to participate, I just want to stay away, but...
How can a being living in reality escape from it?
So the answer to this question has long been clear.
I want to go to that other world. I want to go to the world I've created. But that's impossible.
Not while I'm still trapped here.
Folding was never an option, right?
But I've folded twice already. I didn't lose the first two times. But how long until the third? I don't know.
And I firmly believe I'm no different from a firefly. Emitting a faint light that no one can see. Memento Mori.
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8 months, 3 weeks ago
07 Jul 2024 13:35 CEST
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