Those are the words I open with in this journal. I am so very sorry to those who have commissioned me and gotten no return on their payments. I have a great many excuses for why nothing has materialized on my end when it surely should have, of which I will explain in full soon, but I won't start off defending myself. I have wronged you all, and I need to apologize for that.
I will be making efforts to redeem myself over this failure. Starting with refunds. Though I can't afford to send back any money right now, I will be doing all I can to get myself back into 3D artwork and earn these repayments, one at a time if necessary. If I can get myself along, I will be able to work on the commissions paid for normal render scenes, but character model commissions are simply beyond my scope, these are the ones that I am focused on refunding. Anybody who has paid for a character commission from me can expect a refund "soon™." I know that this seems rather non-committal, but I can give no true guarantees at this time. Only an apology for how things have been and a promise that efforts will be made.
And from there, I'd had tech issue after tech issue after tech issue, each one halting my work and having me take a short break to mentally recover. And every time I got back to work, another issue would come up and stop me. And when I got back to work after the next one, another issue. And when, and ONLY when, I got back to work, another issue. SSD broke, RAM stick corrupted, power supply overheated, Operating System corrupted, graphics card unseats itself and becomes unstable, Operating System corrupted AGAIN, power outage for three days after a freak storm...
And no matter what the issue was, it happened only after I got myself back into working on art. I take a break for a few days, something goes wrong a few days later. I take a break for a month, something goes wrong a few days later. I make a DECLARATION that I will get back to work, something goes wrong a few days later, I have NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, I don't know if I'm cursed, incredibly unlucky with art, if I've angered some eldritch god, I DON'T KNOW. I'm just so fucking tired of it, I WANT to do my artwork, I WANT to fulfill these commissions, I just... I'm sorry, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know...
Even now my computer is just slowly dying, the graphics card is slightly corrupted, my operating system doesn't let me see the properties of my drives, I have no idea how long it's going to last. I'm just throwing things at the wall and see what sticks at this point. I'm going to do what I can for you all. I'm tired, I'm depressed, the weight of this failure has been forefront on my mind for months on end and I have no idea how I'm going to fix it, but I figured apologizing was a good first step.
Thank you for reading my rant, and I hope you can accept my apology.
