It was time I got the nerve to write this, as I had promised it in my last journal. I, am done. This you can see clearly from all my galleries. Why did I do the most hated thing that some retiring artist do? Well there's many reasons for this decision, but the most important is: regret.
I've had this growing inside for months but last month was the one that made me make that push. I found no enjoyment in drawing NSFW. In fact I got to the point where I feel self hate for even having partaken in this activity, as this "Umbry" persona, for so many years. Once I took a step back I really, really come to dislike what I drew.
This is not a callout to other artists, I am not saying I despise the idea of NSFW artwork in general. I despise the fact I have done way over a hundred, going after milestone after milestone of likes and followers. I now have to deal with all the anxieties associated with this past hobby. It did help me get better at art...but the cost sasn't worth it.
Even though I heavily distanced myself from this I can't shake off it and move on, being showered with guilt and shame, everytime I try to draw anything, because it reminds me of what I had done. This has spread far enough to the point where I can barely look at NSFW material without flashbacks of my own contributions. It just sucks, like I'm not allowed to live life past this. Depression? Maybe, I haven't gotten a proper diagnosis but if my thoughts of...self punishment is anything to gi by, it's not "light" mental issues that's for sure.
That's everything I can vent out like this, there's so many other reasons behind this sudden hate of my past self, but it's not a conversation to be had as of now, as I'm still processing so much. I just hope this taste of what's been going on in my head better explains why I had to...vanish, as best as I can. I'm sure other artists that vanished with their arts had those same train of thoughts.
Bottom line is: Do NOT get into NSFW work unless you're absolutely sure it's memories you can live with forever. Don't get into it on impulse, and avoid falling into the vicious chase for likes: You may come to regret it 5 years down the line.
This wasn't the best personal choice on hindsight. But maybe I can save others from making the same mistakes with this warning.
For now, this is the last you'll hear of me. The only reason I might come back is if it's to do a longer, comprehensive post on my mental state regarding my past "umbry" self. But I doubt it would be even healthy to do so. It's best I leave time do its thing and have my my time in this community be forgotten.
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8 months ago
14 May 2024 11:53 CEST
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