This was everything that happened in the days from March 19 to April 3, because I did an extremely bad thing, and it will now be public for everyone to know. My account will go back to normal, but for the nickname you will have to wait for a while (Inkbunny only).
It contains about 4500 words, but there's not that much heavy there, but keep in mind that, I feel very guilty there, so if you want to continue, just read:
Mar 19
Well, on my first day of not being able to use my main PC, because my monitor broke because of me getting enraged, I woke up normally, and I slept by a long time, purposely, I had some distinct dream that now I cannot remember, but it was a night like any other.
Then my mother arrived from his job, and remembered the shit I did to the monitor and said a lot about me (which I deserve, I'm trash), then talking to my brother, she thought about borrowing a monitor from either my aunt or uncle.
But without success, both the monitors of my aunt and uncle are VGA, and by what my brother said, they cannot be used, because these monitors would not be able to use the GPU well, with even the chance of damaging the PC.
Then my mother said about talking to her previous husband (who never fulfills what he promises and who has committed crimes, such as not giving a pension while it is still mandatory, because I am special).
My brother said to him about buying a new monitor for me, which can be a cheaper one (like, Full HD and 60 Hz), but no success, he just sees the messages and doesn't respond a yes or no (WhatsApp).
So my mother will possibly really need to pay in installments a monitor, but it cannot be now, we are extremely bad in money, and my mother owes a lot of things, and now, what will I have to use to overwrite?
Well, the game I most play from today is ultra light, like, it runs even in a calculator, since it's an old game, so I can use a very old laptop here from my mother to temporarily play on it, but heavier games will have to be on hold.
But my brother is the most affected here, and again, everything is my fault, since he plays Counter Strike 2 and other kinds of heavy games, which cannot even open in that laptop, now he has to take it for about two weeks, and I'm afraid that now he secretly hates me a lot.
But the laptop can run well, I had some problems, but I fixed it, but all the time, I keep thinking about why I did it, and how I'm 100% the guilty here. It doesn't come out of my head, and I don't know when it will last.
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Mar 20
Nothing else happened that day, we are still trying to talk to my mother's previous husband, but now he decided to say a very suspicious apology, he said he was with a critically ill patient, and he forgot to answer the messages.
But that doesn't make sense, according to my mother, he is not a doctor, but a "nursing technician", something like that, and my mother said he's lying, and it's common for him to lie, so now we are still without a yes or no.
If it continues like that, then my mother will really have to pay in installments a monitor, since nobody, nobody has a monitor to borrow/donate, and we got without options, what can we do? And it needs to be fast, I'm already feeling sick here and absurdly worried.
Well, my mother needs to say something first, so I still have to wait a while, like about two weeks and then my mother will possibly be able to buy the monitor, but seriously, these will be the longest and most boring fourteen days of my life.
I have a lot of things temporarily sealed in my main PC, which will not be accessed for a while. I really hope that a PC can be turned off this amount of time. I heard a PC can spoil by being turned off for a very long time.
But think, if we had to travel to a very far place, like another country, for weeks (which is a normal thing to do in the vacancy), then the PC would be turned off that amount of time too, or you will take along the PC with you and all the wires needed to turn on? No, obviously no.
So I hope the PC is secure, a monitor is not the PC, but the PC is my life, a lot of things there that cannot be lost, or otherwise certain thoughts and actions will happen, we still don't have a paid OneDrive to backup everything, because it's about 700 GB.
But the laptop is sufficiently running well, but I can only play a single game, since it's the only thing able to run, so I'm temporarily "banned" from the others games which this laptop cannot run, again, all because of someone, me, get used, this will be said all the time.
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Mar 21
Well, now we got the news that the previous husband of my mother, really "cannot" buy us a new monitor, but the thing is that he has very good conditions and never fulfills what he promises, cheated on my mother and never gave anything to me, it always was my mother.
So it's not easy, my mother with worse conditions kind of can pay in installments for a new monitor, but his previous husband won five times more money than my mother no? He is seriously a disgrace, and our bad conditions are all because of him.
Then my mother continues to try to ask for people in the family (and I hope that she doesn't turn into the "needy monitor" in the family for asking for literally everyone), but now she tried to a more distant one, an uncle of mine.
He also has good conditions, but he doesn't have or had the obligation to give me things, but my mother asked him, but keeping in mind that, it cannot be a VGA connector, for now nothing of a yes or no, but I don't think it will be a "yes".
But as I said, all because of someone, me, my mother will have to bother a lot of people, but to be honest, none of them will give a monitor which is compatible with my PC, my mother will really need to buy, because of me.
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Mar 22
There's not much to say today, but I'm having a worry that's not related to the monitor, but instead from a game, where there's an event with a prize draw, the players have the chance to receive the real money cash from the game.
But believe it or not, it's making me really sick, because they launched a very greedy event, which I'm really wanting to participate in, but I simply cannot be a chosen one that won the cash, it happens every fifteen minutes.
But I still cannot win, playing the entire day. Even a partner of mine that helps me to complete events won, every player that came to my mind and I see regularly also won, but me not, and I'm thinking about getting my Honeygain money.
But now about the monitor, still without news, that other uncle of mine decided to go to my grandma's house, which is close to mine, but my mother thought he had taken a monitor together with him, but no, nothing.
Well, now it's been really confirmed that my mother will be the only one able to get a monitor for me, but without a monitor and without the opportunity to participate in the event from that game, all because of someone, me, no, I will have to do something.
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Mar 23
Yes, this event from that game is really affecting me. I'm having very real dreams that I'm really winning the prize draw from the event and getting all the other prizes too, but I'm getting extremely frustrated when I see that it was all a dream.
Because of it, it doesn't matter if what happened in the dreams was true, these dreams are deceiving me and making me more and more sick, so these dreams need to obviously be treated as nightmares, because I still didn't get any of the cash.
I'm really getting tired, so I decided to do the payout of the Honeygain money, but it's so long to reach the money that I have the chance to only receive the money when the event ends, which is on the last day of March.
Then look at it, it needs to be business days to count as time passes, but I requested to make an account at Tipalti on Saturday, then you have Sunday, and literally a holiday on Sunday. Seriously, I simply hate weekends and holidays.
It said to be a maximum of four days to reach, which looks "guaranteed", but it's not, everything for us to reach is slow, if it says five days to arrive, it will be ten, and when the email of Tipalti arrives, I will still need the courage to tell my mother about her PayPal.
I'm getting extremely stressed and anxious, my mother then decides to buy something which is not the monitor, just because my grandpa was insisting on it, then guess what? He really bought the thing, just to not be the problem and threw money in the trash.
It's related to the shower here, which is with problems, but I don't remember now the problem, but the right thing to buy was really the shower, but my mother decides to trust my grandpa who barely knows what to talk about.
Seriously, I'm just saying, if she doesn't want to see a "rope", then don't do shit like that, because she already barely has money, I still need courage to say the money of Honeygain to her, which is not even related to the monitor, and then she thrown money in the trash like that?
We already have confirmed that, nor does my aunt and neither my two uncles have a compatible monitor to give to us, so now she doesn't have the need to disturb other people for a monitor, it will really need to be her to buy, and all because of someone, me.
Today was the day I played the game which I needed to win the prize draw, but I will say that I still won nothing, even players that I hate are winning, and me nothing, players winning more than one time in a day, and other shit.
Now I decided to not look if I won or not, the prize draw happens every fifteen minutes, so from midnight and four o'clock, I played, but I just played, I saw nothing, then tomorrow, you and me will know the news.
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Mar 24
The dream is continuing, like, I had the same dream repeating in different ways about six times, and all the six times I thought it was real, just to again, discover that it was all a dream and getting very frustrated.
Seriously, my night was complete. About ten dreams related to the event that I really want to win the cash, and yes, guess obviously, what do you think? I played for a long time yesterday, and didn't see if I really won, now you will discover.
Yes, without much surprise, the answer is that I still didn't get the prize draw, this is not news anymore and everyone should know that I will win nothing and it's all because of someone, me, these dreams were all to mock me, instead of trying to say I really won something.
It's not getting easy, for sure tomorrow the email to register at Tipalti will arrive, but today I did the same, played until midnight and got nothing of the prize draw, so again, played until four o'clock without seeing if I won or no, and again, you will discover the news tomorrow.
But seriously, I don't think I will really win anything, because it should be guaranteed that I really cannot win anything, everyone winning and except me? No, the fate is obvious, but a thing that happened in the final of the day, is that the Tipalti email, yes, arrived, and now?
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Mar 25
I barely had dreams today, but no, I really cannot receive nothing from the event. That's it, it's time to register in that Tipalti and try to use the money from Honeygain to myself buy the cash from the game, and then be able to participate in the other event.
But seriously, it was not a success. I normally reached the part where I need to put a phone number to create a two factor authentication, but then I should wait for my mother to arrive, since my chip doesn't work anymore.
So she arrived, and I really was able to say that, I was wanting to use the Honeygain money to buy the thing from that game, and she accepted easily, but we created a PayPal account and everything, but when we needed to proceed at Tipalti, something strange happened.
Suddenly for no reason, my account got locked, and after seeing about it for a lot of minutes with my brother, we realized that we should really use the money from us, which my mother was not wanting, but then, what could I do?
It was again because of someone, me, we had three ways, the best one was winning the prize draw from the game, I didn't, the average one was using the Honeygain money, I didn't, and the worst one was using our real one, and it had to be the worst way?
But we managed to buy the cash from the game, but even though I'm happy nonetheless, it could be the average way, because it's now another thing to make me more guilty than I already am, but forget it, now the focus is the monitor.
But again, now I can have more motivation to play the game, and now because I bought the cash, I lost the achievement of reaching the highest patent without buying cash, which very few achieve, but in exchange to participate in an event that I really was not wanting to lose.
Maybe tomorrow is already a possible day that, she can buy a new monitor, and now I will assume, I'm getting really tired from playing in that laptop, because seriously, it just freezes and I'm not used to play in it, so I cannot play well, but it was all because of me anyway, so.
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Mar 26
Well, it's getting really close to buying the monitor. According to my mother, no, today was not possible, but tomorrow has more chances to be possible, but even though the monitor we intend to buy is only three business days away, it can take a while.
Why? There's literally three days in a row which is not a business one, since the next Friday is a holiday (Good Friday), so it's very possible that, if she bought it tomorrow, it can literally reach the first day of April.
Yes, what a day to arrive at a monitor, literally in the April Fools, so I hope that the monitor will not come broken because "it was just a joke”, I think it's a very possible thing, people go too far in this day, but it should not happen.
But now about the game, keep in mind that, the game that I bought the cash is, besides being an addictive game, it's overly defective and can have very ugly errors, besides having an extremely high number of hackers.
Today I literally lost something that I was collecting for a long time, just for the game to make me lose it because of a rare error which cannot be avoided, and they cannot even recover the thing, even if they are the guilty, yes, now it's not me.
But the monitor which I broke is all because of someone, me, but now I will have a even better one, which is bigger and have a bit more Hertz than the other, but seriously, once it arrive, I will really need to start to control this anger of mine, because it's still happening.
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Mar 27
Yes, there is bad and good news today, my mother literally discovered that she's in debt of thirteen thousand reals, which according to her, it's completely absurd, and she really doesn't know how it will be paid, and probably her salary will be "nulled".
But there's good news, today was literally the day of buying the monitor, but it needed a lot of courage for my mother to really accept it, because the best and most cheap monitor was not that cheap, and there were literally no other options.
So yes, my brother finalized the purchase, and for real now, but it's a matter of waiting a lot now, I don't want to even imagine how my anxiety will act, because as I said, I cannot live without a PC, and I'm already getting sick, that laptop here is just, horrible.
But nonetheless, it was all because of someone, me, and now I will possibly have to wait for weekends and a holiday too. Seriously, I just hate holidays and weekends, they are days like everyone and not good at all to me.
The only thing that laptop ia able to do here is to freeze, and now if I don't have a absurd luck, I will still have to use it for about five days, because things cannot arrive in weekends and holidays, seriously, what fucking bad days they are.
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Mar 28
As expected, the only thing that happened today to the monitor was possibly just packing it, so yes, it will 100% sure only arrive after the first day of April, but it would be too good to be true, right? My life simply cannot be good, always a shit at everything that happens.
Seriously, these will be the longest four days of my life, when a day start, I want it to instantly end, because there's literally fucking nothing to do in this laptop anymore, I want to do other things, play other things and play well with good performance, but I will still have to wait another century.
But as I said, it's all because of someone, me, and my anger maintains a lot. Even after this horrible thing that happened on my monitor, I still cannot control my anger, but what can I do? If something happens that enrages me, do you think I can take to not have a revenge against the device?
But it will never happen to the new monitor, you can be sure, but things that it's already with me for a while and are problematic, there will be violence against the device and that's it, I can't control, cannot understand it?
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Mar 29
And today is the first non business day. It's just twenty-four hours, but it will feel like forty-eight. My anxiety will really increase, and I'm lacking something interesting to do, so I thought about visiting an old game which I played in the past.
Do you know Happy Wheels? That very gory game which was very popular in the past and by the most subscribed YouTubers? Well, this game is dead today, but I always liked gory games. They are so satisfying to play, so why not play it again?
It was fun, I played my levels from seven years ago, which were still there in the game, and remembered the things I did in the past, the era of my interest in games that have a level editor, these were good times.
But I finished playing and came back to the other game, since I still have events in it, and because of someone, which is me, I still need to wait a lot for the monitor to be in transit, so just another two days, I need to take.
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Mar 30
Well, I really don't have anything more to say, I tried to play a bit more of that Happy Wheels, but I got bored fast and already stopped, but it was interesting to visit this game again, but I just want that time to pass faster.
I can only play a single game mode averagely well in the other game, the one I bought with the cash, so I'm really getting bored, wanting to play the other game modes, but the bad performance will not make it a good experience.
And really, there's nothing more to play on that laptop, and nor on my phone, none of them. I really need to wait more for that monitor to arrive. I planned to play Pokémon HeartGold again, but it needs to be recorded, so it cannot be on my phone at all.
But it's what happens when you can't control the anger, my brother is also bored, and all obviously because of someone, me, and it will still be hard to arrive on Monday, it's only guaranteed until Wednesday, my anxiety only increases.
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Mar 31
And today finally is the last weekend. Seriously, this didn't seem like seventy-two hours at all, never seen days that long in my life, I was really wanting for the time to pass fast on this day, but at least some interesting things happened.
Firstly, I noticed how a lot of websites and other places started their April Fools before the first day of April, like, is it just a matter of Line Islands turning into April 1 and it already needs to start? Didn't about it.
But what's really today is Easter, I'm atheist, so I don't celebrate anything related to you know what, but at least I received chocolate, two candy boxes and a lot of chocolate from different flavors, from the KitKat my mother has at work.
It was all donated, so I'm happy, it's another Easter without conditions to buy a Easter Egg, but at least without nothing it's not, but that's it, tomorrow I will discover if the monitor really arrives here or no, but I don't think, the odds is very low to be tomorrow.
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Apr 1
The first business day arrived, and also the April Fools, but seriously, I don't even need to hesitate to say the obvious, but what? That the monitor will not arrive today? You are completely right, at the start of day already discovering it.
Literally it's still not even in transit, now April Fools became a holiday? Literally the entire day it maintained the exact same status of the monitor. Seriously, once I listened to it, I just wanted something to advance for the next day in a second, because I'm really getting tired.
It's still have the chance to arrive never, since the shipping company doesn't have the bestest grade in a website of complaints, and some people have the misfortune of it only arriving very above the expected days to arrive, and seriously, I don't want this fucking shit to happening to me.
It's expected to be one to three business days, but seriously, think well, everything that will look too good in my life, or it will never happen, or it will happen in the slowest/worst way possible, because my life is that piece of shit.
And since it was all because of someone, me, it will get even worse, and look, I still didn't said everything, it have the chance of arriving with defect, or broken, or getting defect soon, or not work by any reasons, literally a lot of fucking things.
And tomorrow the game I play, the one I bought with the cash, will enter into maintenance, and if it doesn't arrive tomorrow, it's four hours of my day without doing nothing, because there's nothing more interesting to do in that mediocre laptop here.
In my main PC it had a lot of other things, which cannot run at all in that laptop, and even if it could, one of these things is a game, and the save file is stuck in the main PC, so would be completely impossible nonetheless.
But that's it, tomorrow the chance of arriving is bigger, but seriously, be realistic, it will not arrive, understand, it will not arrive, I have to take another day using this weak laptop, and when my only desire is for the time to pass faster and the day end.
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Apr 2
And what if I say that, today is the same way and the monitor is still not in transit? And you guessed it very right, it's still not even in transit, but it has really advanced a step, it's possibly ready to be delivered, but on this same day, it could still arrive.
When I listened to it, half of my day was staying at the window of my bedroom, to see if any interesting car stopping in front of my house appeared, but no, I really got most of the day waiting for nothing, and in the end, nothing arrived.
So yes, there was one more day that I would have to use the laptop, but the game that I bought the cash could only be played until eleven o'clock, so an hour before midnight, and why? Because the game will update and then needs to enter into maintenance.
So after this time, I could not do much. If the monitor arrived yesterday, then I would have other games to play, which is impossible on that laptop, but in the end it was not that bad, I decided to spend time with my mother and do other things.
Then I turned off the laptop earlier than usual, because I could not do anything more. Now it's the time, it will pass three business days, tomorrow is close to guaranteed to arrive if they respect the expected business days to arrive, then it will be possibly the time.
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Apr 3
Yes, it was expected, it could not be zero, one or two days, right? It had to be three, because my life is like that, everything needs to be at the worst, since too good things cannot be a reality, but now everything will be over, for real.
I wake up, and I see my brother doing some things, until I have the opportunity to look from my bed, a box, a very big box, painted in the box has a periphery, this periphery contains a screen, and that will be used in something.
Yes, after sixteen days, using a very weak laptop, because someone could not control their rage and a monitor was the victim, now it will come back, me using the PC again, out of the laptop, and playing again everything with decent performance, and also other things.
My brother had some time to put the monitor in the table of my PC, but it was all successful. The new monitor is in place, but since things need to be always with consequences, it would have some problems for me.
No, it's nothing related to the monitor, just my mother wanting me to take a bath at the worst time, killing all the free time to use the PC again, and lying that I can use until the time I want, just to force me to turn off before the time I usually play.
But now the PC is back, and maybe now I have the possibility to have motivation again to do other things, but that's it, it was everything that happened in these days, and it's now public for y'all know, now bye, and sorry for some drama of the last submission/journal.
