Hi! I figured I'd give everyone an update on things.
Summary/TL;DR - I turned 21 this year. I've been trying to manage unaddressed old and new traumas, figuring out what I want to do with my life (especially professionally), and greatly struggling with my mental health/realizing I need serious help with my mental disabilities. Essentially, I'm going through an autistic burnout which has been building up for years. Likewise, my trauma is unfortunately tied in some manners to NSFW content. Due to this, it may become even more rare to see me post under this particular account.
CWs: Abuse mention, suicidal ideation, mental health struggles, long post
As for the far lengthier and more detailed update: I've been going through a whole boatload of personal and mental issues. I've alluded to it on some other socmed platforms, but after finally escaping a 3+ year long abusive relationship that I had been groomed into as a teen, I've basically had to rebuild my entire life.
I still struggle to talk with new people, especially over the internet, as it triggers a good deal of anxiety at times. For this reason, and due to how much of an influence he had over my 'career' as an NSFW artist, it's been especially hard for me to take NSFW commissions, or even draw NSFW content.
Outside of that, I'm struggling with the same issues that I'm sure a lot of you are experiencing yourselves; especially if you're around my age. Even those of you older or more successful than me may remember a time like this in your 20s...
Trying to figure out what medications can help me manage my suicidality/depression/anxiety, trying to find a job before my girlfriend and I have to find somewhere else to live next spring, trying to find a job in this economy (and without having worked a "real job" since 2022), coping with knowing how poorly I handled the standard 9-hour shift back in 2022...
At that time, all I would do is work, mask for 9 consecutive hours every day, eat dinner, take pain meds for my chronic foot pain, get high to cope with the stress and pain, and pass out; all to do it again the next day.
Any free time I had was spent tending to my leech of an ex, or working on commissions for extra money so that I'd be able to afford groceries alongside rent. That period of my life was the most suicidal I had ever been; I seriously considered checking myself into a mental health facility.
All this to say, it's a little hard to think about going back to that cycle...! Things are different now, circumstances have changed, but I am still terrified to be put in that environment that made me feel so completely miserable and worthless. But, likewise, I'm struggling to find the motivation to take commissions again— let alone just to draw for myself.
But, I've rambled long enough. I'm just hoping to explain where I've been, for those of you who have been continually supporting me monetarily. I've been able to eat because of you guys. Even just by leaving likes on my stuff, it's really meant a lot knowing that you guys enjoy what I make.
Maybe deep down I really am looking for sympathy, or maybe I just wanted to vent. I just know I felt bad seeing that I still do have Patrons, that people are still liking the stuff I've posted, and that I hadn't posted since November.
Even if I'm putting my NSFW account on the backburner to an extent, I just wanted everyone to know how greatly I appreciate you all. I'm happy to have brought some enjoyment to your life; even if it was just in the form of getting your rocks off.
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1 year ago
13 Mar 2024 03:35 CET
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