tl;dr: my 20's were a depressive ego fueled hellscape. Going into my 30's, I need to focus on making money to fund my transition and building my future. This will lead to a change in my art output for the next few years.
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Screaming into the void.
20 to 25 is a blur because I was trappped in the closet. 25 to 27 was spent burnt out and slipping closer to my suicide date. 27 to almost 30 was lost because I spent it all fried out of my gourd while being housing insecure... That really only changed when I finally got on estrogen and started feeling its effects... The biggest problem being that my next doses are going to be paid out of pocket because the government doesn't cover injectable estradiol. I'm staring down the barrel of 30 in February, and living with debts from over a decade of impulsive decision making. Stuck with a marijuana and caffiene dependency that has ruined my teeth. Wrists aching, not from the strain of drawing, but from days and nights spent gaming and "gaming". Back hunched from social anxiety and staring at screens. Struggling to plan for a future I never thought I would make it to see, let alone be living in. But the years really didnt start going fast until I decided to not commit suicide.
Which brings me to my art. Art began as a way to escape life in my teens. It's always been the easiest way of expressing myself, and is the biggest boost to my self worth I've ever had, but I quickly grew to be addicted to the dopamine loop of posting art for exposure online. Watching the viewcount go up, or the favourites and comments roll in was all I needed when I was just a hobbyist posting vent art, but as I got older I wanted this to be more than just a hobby. Unfortunately, my depression and the discouraging voices of important people echoed in my head drove me to inaction and procrastination. By the time I finally was ready to draw full time I was 25, and everything except my colour theory and composition was way behind the rest of my peers. The symptoms of various mental issues would lead me to have to relearn parts of drawing after a period of inactivity. I have hundreds of files of drawings that will never be finished, and thousands of ideas that will never even get there. There are months where I can't finish a drawing, but I always judge myself by the rare months and weeks where I finish 12 or more. Somehow I thought that not having a second job would help bring in more commissions.
So this is where I stand. With my happiness and body being held behind money (something I've always had troubles maintaining) and being too depressed/dissociative in my current state to be able to make it. I know I need to make more money somehow so I can fund my transition, but whenever I think of careers though, it's all in the hopes of funding my ability to do art. I judge a career path by how taxing it would be on my wrists, and how much time it would leave me to draw after work. If I could, I would go to university for illustration or animation, which would most likely lead to me being crushed under more debt than I could realistically escape from while struggling to find work in an increasingly competitive and automated field.
I need to focus on my health in all aspects. I'm going to be using 30 and 31 to focus on my real life. I've been spending way too much time online, and now i realize why I don't see a lot of 30+ furries compared to 30- furs. This won't mean a hiatus, and I don't know how I could call this "slowing down" considering my art output is already glacial. I need to learn about who I am when I'm not hunched at a keyboard, when I'm talking to people that aren't just me. And I need to REALLY practice my anatomy and technique.
Alterships will continue. Random horny art will continue. Comms will be for simple flat art, 3 characters max. Uploads will be sporadic and random as usual, but a little less frequent at times. I may be offline for long periods of time.
H., sg, J, M.
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4 months ago
01 Jan 2024 05:05 CET
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