When I made my character, Meridian, and the accompanying cast something on the order of two decades ago, I had no idea about gender. Seriously, for those of you who were adults back after 9-11, that was back when accepting homosexuals at all was a big thing. Back then I decided that all my personal characters were genderless unless they chose to be something for the purpose of eroticism. I even made a comic about it.
I remember my peers becoming aware and active in middle school, but I didn't. I told everyone I was asexual. Boy, was I wrong.
Late teens and early 20s was a time when I had my awakening, it was so distracting that I remember asking my doctor if there was anything I could do to stop it. I loved joking around about sex since it got reactions, and I was clearly fascinated with it, but over the years I have come to understand things a whole lot more.
When I had my own experiences with another person I both liked and disliked it. It definitely did not live up to any fantasies and I really sorely wish someone had really explained it better before I did anything. It was uncomfortable, i knew nothing about lube, i wasn't ready for smells or flavors, and I had put so much on myself not to be a disappointing male that I sort of ruined it for myself. Seriously, remember shows from the 80s and 90s? Guys were disappointing, useless, uncultured, beer obsessed skirt chasers who lasted 2 minutes in the sack. I laughed at homer and al bundy, but I didn't want to be them. But who were the people with style, class, taste, wit... back in the 90s and early 00s? It was the gays.
I took home ec, dancing, music, art... i learned cooking from my grandmother and baking from my mother. I rejected sports (which i thought were generally dumb anyways... i mean seriously, 3 to 4 hours of tv time to watch a game with 4, 15 minute quarters on the clock? Ffs) until I discovered edged weapons could be a sport. People (cis guys of course) thought I was gay because of the stereotypes. But I wasn't. I wasn't attracted to people. I was fixated on genitalia, but I didn't want to be around humans (with few exceptions). Cartoons were acceptable because they weren't real. They were whatever you wanted them to be. It was funny at the time.
Worse, the results of my inaugural intimacy weren't at all good for my mental state. No disrespect for her. I remember her fondly. But post-nut clarity set me worrying about pregnancy despite reassurance that it wouldn't happen. Catching an std made me paranoid. I couldn't enjoy myself and tried to focus on my partner.
Jump to my next partner. At the time, they identified as genderfluid with female pronouns (not that we exactly said it like that in the 00s). I watched that person's identity move all over in the 11 years we were together. We explored a poly relationship, but I didn't have a second partner until the end. We tried to keep everything safe, we check to make sure we were clean, but that would leave months between intimate times largely because I had no idea how to ask, and I was overworking myself in college.
Then it broke up, I went with my second from the polycule, and one mishap ended up with a kid. We're now so stressed, exhausted, and overworked that I am almost glad we haven't been intimate in years. We're practically terrified of each other. I used to make nsfw, but now can barely even think about it.
Through it all, what is my gender? Bottom line, I don't care. Identity is a ridiculous concept. Seriously. You can be whoever you can act as. It is a skill for performers. Nothing about my biological status as a penis-having vaginophile stops or forces me to be anything. Gender is imaginary, but it doesn't mean it isn't real. Illusions aren't "not there" or "not real" they're just perceptions that don't match to reality.
To my trans friends, I love and accept you for who you are. To all my other friends, I love and accept you for who you are.
I rambled all over and it took me like 3 heavily distracted hours to write this thing, but damn it, i needed to say it.
I said it 20 years ago, and it's true today. My gender is imaginary.
