How do I make friends?

by SionDJ

*ghostbusters music plays in the background*
Uhh... hi!
*stops the music*
I've noticed recently that I can't make friends. I mean, I try to be talkative avoiding small talk and try to find common interests, even getting interested in what the other one likes. But after a very short time, I get ghosted.
I don't know the reason. I start questioning like "Am I annoying?" or "Did I say something wrong?" and many other questions left unanswered, because I don't like bothering persons so much or bumping messages.
And to be fair I am having social issues IRL too. I mean even real friends ghost me when they need nothing from me. Even colleagues. It's like I'm repelling every human being near me. I don't stink, I swear very little and I try to not bother so much especially about things I like. But all I get is being ghosted a lot.
And by "ghosting" I mean they forgot I exist for days or weeks.

So what's the secret? Am I missing something very important that creates a connection? I don't know but I really want to know. I love being connected with peoples.

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Added:	1 year, 5 months ago 14 Jul 2023 01:23 CEST

8 Comments on this Journal

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FoxWolfie

1 year, 5 months ago

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I don't think there is a secret.  In all my life, there's only been a few people I've ever connected with on that level, and those just sort of happened when I wasn't trying or looking.

As for the ghosting - I things there are two kinds of that. There are those who intentionally ghost others, and there are those who do it without really realizing it.  I like to believe that most ghosting is unintentional.  Some people get caught up in their daily routines and simply don't think of others. They only think of others when they actually run into them.  I think that's just how most people are.  I don't think most people are taught to think of others when they do things. They just take in whatever is in front of them at the time, usually from their smartphone or other device.  The can't reply now, because they're busy gaming, or watching a movie, or whatever.  That's perfectly fine so far, but when they finish, they usually don't get back to people they ignored, because something else came up by them. That's life now when most people literally spend 24 hours a day with a device that is always pleading for attention.

I'm going to assume that there's nothing wrong with you, or what you do around people.  It's just that many, maybe most, people seem to get more instant gratification from brain-fart tweets on a phone, or from gaming, than they do from being around people in person.

I happen to be an introvert, so it makes things a bit more challenging.  I like being around like-minded people, but usually no more than one or maybe two at a time, and not every minute of every day. I feel extremely drained if I'm around lots of people, or large parties, especially if I feel sort of trapped in the situation. But, most people I run into who want to be around me, want to party all day, and have non-stop activity with as many people as possible. I learned a long time ago to not get into those situations. But, I still like to have someone around once in a while to share time with.

I try not to ghost people, and never intend to, but it still happens. I get burned out easily, especially of other life stuff becomes overwhelming, then I just shut down. I stop visiting my favorite websites, or don't even go online at all. Sometimes it can take a week or two before I recover enough to be my normal self again.  I haven't went to a furry convention since 2008, partly because a 3 to 4 day experience with so many people in the same place leaves me too drained to function for up to a month after. But, I don't particularly like to be alone either.

In any case, if I ghost you, it is not because you did anything wrong.  It's almost certainly because I mentally shut down for a while for some reason, probably unrelated to anything online. It's safe to say that real life happenings take their toll on me sometimes.  Even now, I have a minor surgery coming up next Wednesday, so that's going to be lurking in my mind until it's done.  Unfortunately, there's always something. On the good side, I don't own a gaming system or a smartphone, so that's two things that can never distract me!

SionDJ

1 year, 5 months ago

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Well, it never happened to me. I never had great connections with at leat one person. Or it's just me that never felt a good connection even if there was. I always felt that there was something wrong going in friendships. So I start with many questionings. This changed me a lot in the time, trying to correct my behavior and learn something new about "life conduct" every day. Maybe even if my questioning are wrong it's good for general behavior.

Well yes I understand that everyone has his life and and a whole world going on, and I agree. Any kind of technology with a screen is distracting everyone from socializing. I may conclude thats how the world works right now.
I could assure then that everyone that I tried socializing with prefers to be connected 24/24 7/7 instead of letting his weight out by talking about it.

I'm sure there's something wrong in me. But at this point, I think that's just because I don't like to have smartphones as friends. In fact I don't have many socials and I barely use them to try to gather new friends or watch furry art to kill the free time. In fact I follow many artists.

I am the same as you. Even though I love electronic music, I don't like parties, raves or anything involving crowds of peoples. Being trapped is the worst because we urge to go home and we can't do it immediately. Luckily I never had friends that likes to party every day, but they like to go in crowded places like city center. But I prefer quiet and non crowded places instead.

Well to be fair it happened to me in the past to ghost peoples because I got burned out for many things happening. There was a time that I didn't answer no one for more than 1 week, leaving many messages just unread.

I did go to a furry convention and I'm willing to continue going because at the fur convention I feel closer to the furry world, something that keeps a little flame alive inside me. It's hard to describe that to be fair.
But of course I felt bad because there were many peoples inside the same place, and also I've never been in such a chaotic place before going to the convention. The good thing is that I felt free to be myself for the time I was in here.

Oh don't worry! That message wan't about you at all. I appreciate a lot that you take the time to write such long messages to answer me. It happens to me too to distance myself from everything and have my alone time. Wish you best of luck for the surgery! And of course any kind of health related things can lurk in mind.
Well the only gaming system I own is my computer, and I also have a smartphone because I need it for working. But when I'm with someone, my smartphone is like non-existent for me.