Well, here are some more thoughts and random statements I have pinged back and forth to / with my friends now and then. Going to make this journal Friends Only due to some more private and dark parts of my life. I apologize for any uncaught spelling errors, or mistakes and for the single swear word foudn in this long wall of text / rant.
I feel like everything will be well for a while then I feel insecure and scared for a while and then back to thinking and feeling everything will turn out good/great. And I could be behind the counter in a grocery store, I want to sell books/cds/games though, maybe in a cool shop where you can wear freely the clothes you want. You know be social, have nice coworkers sharing some or more / most of my likes. But I don't know, stupid mindfog. I just keep thinking that things will change and I am so horribly afraid of things changing beyond / out of my control.
I just don't know what to do now and I am sad of not knowing what will happen tomorrow. And I am afraid of what will happen tomorrow. I feel guilty I'm not spending every second with my Grandmother :( I Think each second lost is gone forever and irreparable, and how nothing will ever be the same again. The old, safe and familiar 'the same' / past. But then I think considering my friends changing. I can't force them to remain the same, I just upset them and I feel like I am hindering their development / personal life by wishing they would not sell their truck, or change their job.
And I am not allowed to stress with the rabies vaccine I am getting. But I am a horrible caretaker and a Grandson, and my Grandmother lies about everything being alright for her out of pity, and because she can probably hear me cry now I have no idea what she thinks. It's Grandmother. I keep yelling at her. But I have no idea how to care for her. I need to talk with somebody. But nobody wants to listen to my half-choked crying.
I want her to get healthy but I see her get more ill. And my conscience is killing me. I keep saying to myself "If you did the right things she would have been helthy now, could walk again and everything would return to normal." But she sees poorly, hears alrightish, and keeps sacrificing things for me. Like giving me her last money, just so I could get something tasty to eat. Because she knows, and does a really bad job at hiding it, that she loves and pities me. And what can I do in return? Nothing! I am doing nothing but trying to escape from my Grandmother at any and all excuse and sit on my computer.
And she needs attention, and I keep thinking of all the things I don't do. I keep telling myself "I'll do it today, finally." Then "I'll do it tomorrow, I promise" And nothing gets done, my fridge is smelling with months - old food, My large trashbag is full, we have ants in the house and flies too, Granny's diapers need to stop acting like a heap and throw themselves out, but all I think of is all the olympic matches I am missing, or just want to sit on the roof and watch the sunset now, trying to record it on my lousy camera, but fail since it eats so much battery and I need it to record Grandmother's room. Since each second wasted and not recorded is something I will regret for the ret of my entire horrible life. I know that.
Also she wants to walk, but wants to use a small chair to move aound. Since I've bumped her once when I tried to raise her up and she still rememberes. She outright said she doesn't trust me to help her walk again. Even if it's just stand around a little while / bit. She'd rather trust a small chair then her Grandson! And I am slipping back into my old habit of yelling and fighting with her like I did before. I keep catching myself in the thought that I want to hit her. And then I feel so shameful, that the shame and the pain and the pain of the shame just rips my heart apart.
It makes me sad dealing with old people, imagining what it must be like. Not as mobile as you used to be, your body starting to fail, your mind going, and knowing that your time is starting to come to an end. It frightens me.
But it's bad sad and wrong to talk about after Gran time now. I have her still, she's there and she loves me, gives me her last money just so I could eat well :( I am starting to cry again now IRL... I have to deal witht hat each day. It rips my heart, mind, soul and anything else I might have apart
~~~ Darker part ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (secret numbers)
I keep thinking of how I ruined my life in Norway and how it's my fault I am here, I lived there and came to Russia as a guest, if I kept doing that Grandmother and her house wouldn't worry me too much, or occupy too much of my mind now. But then / now I have lived in Russia for what, three years? More? I honestly do not remember. I keep catching myself having all those thoughts racing, and this fog/blanket inside my brain. I can't honestly think straight right now. I want this and that, and the opposite and all at the same time. Just fragments of thoughts beig rather chaotic. I promised myself I would sit some / spend (some) time with Grandmother, massage her leg with some gel / cream. But I still haven't done it and it makes me feel really horrible inside. Maybe you can tell me why I feel that way? Conscience? It's like something keeps me in this pc room, I always find excuses to remain here and feel my time is wasted, actually even worse - my / that time is gone forever and I can never bring it back and I missed out on something really life-changing(ly?) important each second I spend / spent in Grandmother's room. What can I do to help myself?
Well I honestly don't know what to say... Before Grandmother got ill I just slouched and rode on her back, and I squandered all her little money away. What she had. She had to work extra at her age, selling the flowers she loved from her garden, going on a long trip by train and public transportation every day, just to earn up a little money and some savings. I wore her out, both physically and mentally, I yelled and hit her in fits of anger, I swore bad bad words at her that made her cry. But she still gave everything to me... She never said a word back. She gave me only her best ad cryed all the time I said it wasn't enough... For three years I have leeched on her and just lived a life behind my pc, played games, didn't do anythign she asked me to, no matter how she begged or pleaded.
I humiliated her by having her stand on her knees and beg forgiveness of me. I was a real tyrant and she brushed it all off by her immense and limitless love to / towards me. I used up al my money on worthless things that broke right away. Just because I thought I needed to do it. I stole money from her even, when she didn't give me anything, and she found out sometimes and that look in her eyes of sadness just kills me to think of now. I've not done any single good thing to my Grandmother throughout all those years. I've likely shortened her life and worsened her sight and hearing from all the beatings and stress. I jumped on her frequently and started choking her and swearing at her. I behaved like a fucking monster. Sorry, I usually don't swear. But it's all gnawing at me from the inside!
But I keep thinking of what I'd give to have her at perfect sight and hearing again. So she can see and hear all those beautiful things in life. That her teeth could come back so she can eat anything again. It's not a lot to ask of / for... I keep thinking of allt he things she didn't see, didn't understand or didn't want to / declined to see... All the beauty in the world, the grave of her daughter in anotehr country... If only I could give her that. If only I could give her anythign she truly needs, health, happiness, a clear mind and a memory so she could remember the year she was born in in 1921 and outwards.
Thank you very much for reading this long wall of text. ~3 7 11 22~
((PPS Opened this journal / removed friends only on Fifth of August 2012 (05.083.2012) Decided to do it, after all I need more exposure to my bad situations.))
