Just went through my gallery

I still have the strange attitude that once uploaded, art (even furry porn) shouldn't be completely scrubbed from existence, but I have gone through and set most (not all) of my NSFW works to be visible to friends only.

I am deeply ashamed of this stuff now - or even for some of the more "tasteful" nudes like my vixen version of the classical Aphrodite picture, feel it sends a bad signal. I don't get ashamed of my works for being of poor quality, but I do for spreading bad morals.

Pornography is a drug. It's a widespread, usually free drug, and very addictive. It poisons your mind and soul; I knew this all along, but got really lost in the sauce for a few years.

I am leaving the Date Mouse Misadventures series visible, as it's a work of satire even if its use of nudity was frequently misaimed and tonally counterproductive. It's a satire of how dating works within the furry fandom, and my own guilt as a pornography addict (and hobbyist producer...and embarrassingly highly paying customer).

I won't hide from or lie about my past, but I will take actions to improve my future. How can I offer polemic against what I hate if I don't clean my own house first?

I've also been combing through my favorites here and deleting a bunch of those. Did I really favorite any piece I saw where a character was stuck partway inside of genitalia if it happened to get past my tag blacklist? Even when the tags clearly called for male/male and it simply wasn't filled out? It seems so. Apparently when I'm drunk on pornography I sometimes forget that I'm heterosexual. The quality on some of the things I used to give three stars is also outright criminal.

Maybe if I clear it out enough, I might reopen my favorites list to viewing by others on this site. Or maybe I'll give up on the project and decide it's not worth it for me to look at any of them again, even in passing to remove them from the list. The temptation to relapse unapologetically into my old habits flares up sometimes, and anytime I feel that it's definitely time to stop.

Dear Lord, no wonder I've never had a functioning relationship with a woman.

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Added:	2 years, 2 months ago 16 Jan 2023 04:13 CET

7 Comments on this Journal

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GayMunk2

2 years, 2 months ago

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Porn is only a drug if you believe what the holier-than-thous tell you. Sure everything in moderation, but, what are you not allowed to have desires? Fantasies?
Why would porn keep you from having a functioning relationship? You just gotta find that balance and if possible find a girl who is into it too. They exist, I've met one.
Pardon the impertinent attitude, but I've found denying yourself something that brings you pleasure that isn't like physically harmful can be damaging. It'll build up.

UnstableSable

2 years, 2 months ago

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@ GayMunk2

"	GayMunk2 wrote:
	Porn is only a drug if you believe what the holier-than-thous tell you.

My own experience tells me that visual and literary representations of coitus and coitus-substitute activities are addictive and modify my thoughts and desires when consumed.

"	GayMunk2 wrote:
	what are you not allowed to have desires? Fantasies?

I don't need porn to have desires or fantasies. I was already into anthro animals, macro/micro, oral vore, unbirthing, and female domination without having seen a single frame of pornographic material. I was better able to non-sexually enjoy anthro animals and macro/micro characters before pornography, as well as the situations I'd generally describe as vore due only to not having a better succinct term for "the recurring art motif of characters existing whole and alive inside of other creatures" (Pinocchio and the five story dogfish, the big bad wolf and most dragons in the most "toned down child-friendly" versions of fairy tales, predators of any species in slapstick cartoons). I'm enjoying some of these things again and better the more effort I expend to purge myself of pornography consumption.

"	GayMunk2 wrote:
	Why would porn keep you from having a functioning relationship? You just gotta find that balance and if possible find a girl who is into it too. They exist, I've met one.

...that's what I've tried with literally every relationship I've been in.
My first girlfriend:
- Was into macro, megamacro, destruction, and vore.
- She faked committing suicide and blamed me for her "death", then continued stalking my page and making the occasional sockpuppet to beg me to get back in touch for years afterward. The trauma of believing she died was very real.
The next girl I dated:
- Was into bondage something fierce, and constantly praising my skills with the written word.
- Vanished mid-conversation after a few months, completely ghosting me.
The next girl I dated:
- Was into micro and vore. We had a "cat and mouse" thing going on with our fursonas.
- Started begging me to "borrow" money for a few months after we'd been together for more than two years, then dumped me when I couldn't afford the upkeep of 400 dollars a month to only barely get an "I need to borrow more money/thanks for sending the money". She also got an engagement ring out of me.
The next "girl" I dated:
- Had all my kinks
- SURPRISE, IT'S MY OWN TULPA, SHE WAS NEVER REAL
- Actually loved me enough to un-Tulpa herself so I'd be free to date a real girl.
The next "girl" I dated:
- Was into micro, lesbians, and unbirthing.
- Was actually a dude, and got drunk and admitted this one day.
The next girl I dated:
- Seemed at least to be onboard with micro and unbirthing.
- Was dating another guy concurrently with me, and told him that I was stalking her because she thought this would be "less awkward" than just telling me she found someone she liked more.
The next "girl" I dated:
- Had strongly shared interests in sizeplay, cockvore, oral vore, videogames...
- Was actually a dude with several female OCs, who'd been gaslit by himself and his friends into thinking that more confident when roleplaying female characters = is actually female (when it's actually just a side effect of putting women on a pedestal and having a thing for tomboys).
The next girl I dated:
- Was into oral vore, macro, unbirthing, and acquired a taste for cockvore from me
- Would never have serious discussions about our future over three years together, always brushing them off. Saying just enough to keep me hooked to the next ERP session. Left me in a state of existential worry when I found her fursona was a stolen OC from someone else's porn for months, then strung me out with sparse messages for a few months after.

Porn is not and can never be the foundation of a healthy relationship. At best, I could share some of my fantasies with a real wife, but not post or commission art of it. Not likely.

GayMunk2

2 years, 2 months ago

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@ UnstableSable

Yeah all Im gonna reply to that right now is I never said porn should be the foundation of anything. Just it's very fashionable to blame everyone's social problems on porn. Half of those dating issues are entirely the fault of the other person. I can't even see what any of them had to do with you looking at porn. But hey, each their own. Like I said, blaming porn is fashionable.

UnstableSable

2 years, 2 months ago

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@ GayMunk2

Only half? Actually, all of these were entirely the fault of the other person, with the issue being that between weakening my own willpower and perception with the constant emotional numbing effect of porn and making myself addicted to sexual pleasure (whether using the pornography or erotic roleplaying with them). Blinding myself, willingly or unwillingly, to the state of abuse and neglect the other person was putting me through. The other person always at least as porn-addled as myself if not more, usually encouraging me to go deeper down the rabbit hole.

And yes, your advice to my relationship difficulties was literally to just look for someone who shares my fetishes, as if that wasn't part of the problem from the outset. You can say that you didn't word it as porn being the foundation of anything, but that doesn't mean it's not effectively what you said. Because you're in the "It's not an addiction, I can quit any time I want, also it's harmless" stage like I was a couple years ago.

GayMunk2

2 years, 2 months ago

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@ UnstableSable

Great job at putting words in my mouth. I don't know if you have much experience with people with autism but when a lot of us say something that is what we mean, nothing more. My advice was maybe finding someone who shares your fetishes because you made it sound like part of the reason for the failures was a difference in interests. It was a suggestion not legal binding advice or some shit.

And I did not effectively say porn was the foundation for anything. Plain and simple. I didn't word it as such, I didn't imply it as such, nor did I insinuate as such.

I'm in no stage of anything LMAO. I like porn. It's a part of my life it's a part of who I am. It's fun, I enjoy it it takes my mind off of things when I need it to. I'm still in a functional relationship. I'll give up porn when im too old to be sexually aroused probably. And if I don't, fine. I'll see how I feel when im 70. I'm sorry you can't function and like porn too.

UnstableSable

1 year, 10 months ago

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@ GayMunk2

"	GayMunk2 wrote:
	Great job at putting words in my mouth. I don't know if you have much experience with people with autism but when a lot of us say something that is what we mean, nothing more.

Dude, I have both plenty of third hand experience with autism (most internet infamous figures have some form of it) and second hand (friends and family with it) but also first-hand experience (there's no reason to doubt I have it). I know how autistics lie and backtrack - you say something, then if you don't like the reaction you try to walk it back and claim you only meant literally the words you said even if you clearly said more befitting the normal use of the phrases involved.

"	GayMunk2 wrote:
	My advice was maybe finding someone who shares your fetishes because you made it sound like part of the reason for the failures was a difference in interests.

"	GayMunk2 wrote:
	And I did not effectively say porn was the foundation for anything. Plain and simple. I didn't word it as such, I didn't imply it as such, nor did I insinuate as such.

These side by side are nonsense. You claim you didn't insinuate or imply literally the exact thing you said: To use shared sexual fetishes as the starting point to build a relationship.

"	GayMunk2 wrote:
	I like porn. It's a part of my life it's a part of who I am.

More denial. You're lost in the sauce, man, and your username even loudly announces how debased you are. There's nothing "functional" about a relationship between two members of the same sex - if you're physical at all, that's harmful to your bodies and even just mentally, it's debasing and harmful.

GayMunk2

1 year, 10 months ago

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@ UnstableSable

LMAO you're entertaining!

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