I wanna preface this by saying that, I don't even know how many people really read these. I know I tend to skip most peoples' journals here unless I know them outside of IB. That said, I need to... idk... let off some steam? And explain why I stopped arting after trying so hard to be more consistent.
July 30th my older (and only) brother passed. I was, at the time, trying to transfer jobs, move into a new apartment, get a license, and buy a car. All at once. I have not been financially stable for... well, I've never been financially stable. But I've managed my debts pretty efficiently, I would say. His death completely threw off all my plans, though. I live ~1500 miles away from my nearest family, which is where he was. I was in so much shock that I couldn't feel anything for a few days straight. I got on the (second) flight to Ohio to attend his funeral, and that whole thing was a shitshow in and of itself. My family is... terrible, and the longer I had to put up with them, the more I wanted to hurt and scream at them. And no, this wasn't from the shock and loss of my beloved brother.
Needless to say, everything going on kept me busy enough, but now that I've been back to my home for a few weeks, I can confidently say I can't handle things on my own anymore. I can't bring myself to draw lately. I've had too much on my plate as it is, and now, with this added pain, I can't stay focused like I could before. The smallest thing will remind me of him, and it's killing me slowly. I can feel myself sinking back into depression, and I've fought pretty hard to try to get out of it. I've even lost nearly (or over) 100 pounds over the last year thanks to finally getting out of that pit. I can tell I'm sinking back into it, and I'm grateful that I've sought help prior to this, so that I could know that I'm going back to my bad habits. That said, I just can't do it alone. I find myself desperately aching for comfort that I just can't get. My friends feel distant, even when I try to reach out.
I'm very lonely, despite having friends that I talk to on the daily. I moved away from most of my friends and family a couple years ago under false pretenses, in hopes of a better living situation. That never happened, and to have my brother pass when I've basically wasted the last few years of my life, brings me such great agony and regret. I wish I hadn't moved away so I could have had more time with him, however, I also realize that if I hadn't moved, I wouldn't have beaten my depression. I wouldn't have lost weight. In fact, I probably would have gained more in the situation I was living in, and possibly even suffered the same fate he did. I can see the positives in the situation but it still aches. And I've lost my ability to trust because of the past few years. The friends I tell this to understand, because they know what's been going on in my life, but I hate being like this. I hate not being able to trust. Worse yet, is that this inability to trust keeps getting justified time and time again. I keep getting proven right again and again when I shut people off, and it's disheartening.
I want to keep working on art, and I would love to be a successful furry artist, even just as a hobby, but the fact is that my growth is nonexistent. I know I could grow more if I drew certain characters or fetishes, but that's not what I want to do. I want to grow as an artist, and draw what I enjoy. I don't enjoy anything right now, though, and with the lack of progress despite my efforts, I don't know that I'll continue. It's discouraging to see art that I might consider lower quality than my own, get more attention, simply because the artists will draw X character or Y kink. I even started drawing traditionally, and feel like I've improved tremendously, but I don't even bother sharing it because it doesn't get views. No one cares if my art is improving, people only care about Lucario smut. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know whether to keep trying to improve, or to quit stressing over art and trying to build a community of people that enjoy what I create. Because that's how it feels sometimes.
Among the things that happened while I was visiting for my brother's funeral, one thing that's really made me consider disowning most of my family is something my grandmother said to me. On top of insisting that I'm gay despite me telling her otherwise for nearly an entire decade, she requested that I ask my female friends to carry my child, so that I could then GIVE that (would be firstborn) child to my father, to replace the loss of my brother. I can't begin to explain how fucked this is, and how close I came to punching my own grandmother in the face, but ultimately, it just hurt. It made me realize how lonely I am. I've never really dated, and to make things worse, I haven't even been trying the past year because, despite working past my depression, I realized that I wasn't happy with myself, and wanted to work on myself before trying to date. I'm 30 for a few more months. I've had one online boyfriend when I was ~19, a "boyfriend" that lasted literally one shitty date before he claimed I was a racist for not being able to line up our schedules for dates, and a girlfriend of three days, which was more of an elongated one night stand. Worst of all is, I don't understand why I've never had dating experience. There is the fact that I've never made a move on anyone, but I keep having people tell me that they're surprised I'm single. This hurts, too. I'd love to have someone to share my life with, but unfortunately I just haven't found someone, and haven't been found yet. Each time someone says they're shocked I'm single, it stings a little. I'm tired of hearing it. I'm tired of being everyone's third wheel.
I literally said that to a couple of friends who are getting married, and they tried to cheer me up by saying "But you're OUR third wheel". That doesn't help. That just further solidifies the fact that I'm a good person, but not good enough for people to desire. That's just one more thought that makes me want to stop trying, to stop putting in any effort. And it's harder to put in any effort now. I get angry, and annoyed, and while I could normally hold it in, lately I just want to scream at people. I want to tell people how I don't care about their stupid, insignificant squabbles. I want to yell at everyone I work with because they all bitch about how everyone else is lazy, which being blind to their own laziness. I get praised for my hard work by these same people and I want to tell them that if they put half the effort I put in, then none of them would bitch about each other. That's not the way to go about it, though, and I know that. But I feel like it's just gonna slip out sometime because I don't have that control anymore.
I used to hate my father, and while I still don't think he's great, hearing his genuine cries of pain and distress during my brother's funeral hurt deeply. I've seen him cry before, but it's always been drunk crying. This was the first time I heard him in pain. And for the few weeks I was visiting, I felt like I was... worthless. My father said that he has no reason to live anymore. He solidified the fact that my brother was his favorite... but to hear that there's no reason to live? That I'm not a good enough reason for him to continue being? If I liked him even a touch more than I did, I think that would have devastated me. It still hurts, of course, but not nearly as badly as it could have. I never got his love or approval despite trying harder than my brother.
I'm realizing at this point that this is becoming more of a tangent, so I'm going to break from my train of thought here. The points I wanted to make are that, the world sucks, I'm lonely and people rub it in my face, this community has left me rather hopeless that I'll never succeed at anything I try hard at, and I feel like I don't have anyone to reach out to. I want to feel wanted, and out of the nearly 31 years I've been alive, I can't think of a time where I've felt that. I've felt that I've been NEEDED, sure, but not wanted. Not desired. I've felt needed at the jobs I've worked at. I've felt needed as a caretaker for friends and family, but I've never felt like I've been wanted. And I don't want to feel like this anymore because until I got it worked out, I didn't realize I've had depression since I was about 6 years old.
There is no TL;DR for this post. I don't expect many people to read this, much less click on the link that pops up. I know there's some of you who will read this, and if you do, please drop me a message. I need some support right now because lately, I can't find the willpower to get out of bed. I only do it for work, and that's just because I don't want to deal with being homeless.
