I just hate stupid people They should have to wear signs that just say I'm stupid That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything It would be like, "Excuse me, oh, never mind" "I didn't see your sign."
Last time I was home I was driving around I had a flat tire I pulled my truck into one Of these side-of-the-road gas stations The attendant walks out, looks At my truck, looks at me, I swear to GOD he went "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist I said "Nope" "No I was driving around And those other three just swelled right up on me."
And without missing a beat he goes "Well the heat'll do that!"
It's like before my wife and I moved from Texas to California. Our house was full of boxes. There's a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes."
"Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass. This idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope, Talked 'em into giving up.
"Here's your sign."
When my wife was expecting our first child, a woman walked up to her and asked, “Oh, are you pregnant?” My wife said, “No, I'm practicing to smuggle basketballs into Cuba.”
"Here's your sign."
I was taking a deer to the taxidermist when a lady looked in the back of my truck and asked "Did you shoot that deer?" I said "Nope. He hopped in the back of my truck, handed me a note and killed himself."
"Here's your sign."
My wife and I had just parked our car and we were walking into a hotel for a New Year's Eve party when the doorman asked " Are you going to celebrate the new year?" I said "No, we're going to attend a wake for the old year."
"Here's your sign."
I took my family on a trip in an RV to Las Vegas, where it was 120 degrees. The guard at the RV park asked, "Will you be using your air conditioner?" I said, "No, ma'am, we just drove in from the face of the sun and we're trying to acclimate ourselves."
"Here's your sign."
My wife and I were seated in a restaurant and the waiter came to our table and asked, "Would you like to order?" I said, "Nope. We just come into restaurants and check the menu for typos.
"Here's your sign."
I took my son to get a haircut and the barber asked, "Are you here for a haircut?" I said, "No, we just came here so that I could show my boy the blue water you keep the combs in."
"Here's your sign."
I drove out to the lake near where we live and walking down the dock holding a fishing pole. A guy asked me "Are you going fishing?" I said "Nope. I'm taking the worms water-skiing."
"Here's your sign."
My wife and I were shopping in a department store and I had three pairs of pants on my arm. The salesperson asked, “Do you want to try those on?” I said, “No, I'm just trying to keep my arm warm.”
"Here's your sign."
When I was in college, I got really drunk one night and woke up the next morning in front of the toilet. My roommate asked, "Are you sick?" I said, "No, I just wanted to see what the dog liked about this water."
"Here's your sign."
One winter it was really cold and we were driving through a hail storm. My wife asked, "Is that hail?" I said, "No those are very little ping pong balls."
"Here's your sign."
Last December I came home from Christmas shopping with three bags of presents. My wife took one look at me and asked, "Did you buy anything?" I said, "Nope, I stole all this stuff and had it gift wrapped."
"Here's your sign."
I came out of the mall the other day, a guy's parked right next to me standing there with a coat hanger in his window, and I could not stop myself. I said 'You lock your keys in the car?' He goes "No, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry."
"Here's your sign."
