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What happened to me?

Hello everyone.

2021 was a hell of a year for me.
I had a major depression attack, I collapsed at my workplace, I got COVID-19... I think I just reached the bottom pit in my personal life, or at least that was what I though at that moment.

Then, during the first months of 2022... my best friend died due to COVID-19 complications.
She was interned in a hospital, she rested in the ICU with the breathing supply stuff, for a couple of weeks, this happened when the whole pandemic just started.
But she recovered.
She was feeling better, but stayed in the hospital for about a month or so, until she could go back home.
Then she was able to go back home, to recover at her place. She wanted to do stuff, as she though she was going to die at the hospital when she got the symptoms.
She started to live again.
She started to have a life again.
She even got two doses of the vaccine when they were available.
She seemed to be feeling better.
But sadly, the whole thing made her feel weaker than before.
She was starting to get tired all the time, she couldn't make almost anything without getting hyperventilated.
She was not feeling OK, at all.
She was hoping to feel a bit better and getting the third dose. She wanted it to being able to travel, to take some vacation and recover energy. She needed the third dose to being able to travel off the country. After all, pandemic restrictions were not as strict as they were before. We all wanted her to being able to rest in some cool place, like Greece, or Brazil.
Sadly, a few months ago, she got pneumonia, and it seems having COVID (before the vaccines) made the symptoms worse.
She died due to a respiratory failure.
She was 32 years old.

This just made me so unhappy, so miserable, that I got a huge mental breakdown.
I didn't wanted to live anymore.
This whole thing was so unfair.
I've finally quit my job, I moved out with my older brother and just stopped caring.
For everything.
I just wanted to die.

I took a long hiatus from the social media, I've cut all the links I had with internet people, and of course, left this site with no explanation.
I really didn't care about anything else.
I just wanted to end it all.

My big brother, as always, took care of me for a while. He really ahs the patience of a Saint.
One day, while I was looking at the ceiling, he asked me "what would she think about what you're doing with your life? Do you think she'd be happy about yourself, laying on the bed all day, doing nothing? What would she say to you?".

And then it hit me: I remembered when I got my first mental breakdown last year.
I was thinking about quitting my job, but I didn't wanted to because was my main income. My friend said "You should do what makes you happy. If you want to keep drawing, then draw. The money is not really what matters, but your health is. Quit that damn job and make yourself your art career, if that makes you happy" (it was something like that, I can't remember).
At that moment I didn't quit.
I couldn't. I moved out from my brother's place, started working again and I made few posts about coming back to my social media, to my drawings, to my commissions.
But I still worked there, in that awful place.
I didn't took her advice by then.
And I'm really guilty for not doing that at the moment, when she told me "to do what makes me happy".
Then, she passed out, due to the complications with her pneumonia.
She's not here to tell me what should I do.
She's not here anymore to see that I've finally quit that damn job.
She's not here anymore to see that I want to be happy again.
She couldn't travel and rest, as she wanted to.
She's not here. She won't be here anymore.

It. Hitted. Me.

When she died, I moved in again with my brother, the Saint he is.
He didn't wanted to leave me alone in my mental state.
He thought that I'd kill myself or something. I thought about doing that, but I guess I really can't do it.  I stayed at his place for a while. Then, when it hitted me, I started looking for a new job. I couldn't leave my brother's place without an income. Also i need money for my medication for depression and stuff.
I ended up working at something similar to my older workplace, but the people there is way nicer than my older boss and staff members. Or at least that's how I'm feeling.
I ended up raising enough money to return to therapy and move out from my big brother's place, and went back home.

And here we are now.

I'll be making some changes in this site, but I'll be teling you about them in another post.
Sorry if this whole text is not accurate in the translation, I just needed to tell you all that happened and kept me away from the social media. I wrote everything from my heart and maybe it's all gibberish to you, but it's so painful to remember the whole thing...

I really miss my best friend. It's so unfair.
She was so nice and a beautiful person.
It's just unfair.

I'll love you forever, Ana. May you rest in peace.

See ya around, I'm sorry for being so shitty, all the time.


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Added: 6 months, 3 weeks ago
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