I was talking to a friend last night who had some trouble understanding what I was saying when I was explaining why it is so difficult him (and us) to do the great things that we want to do, so this journal is for him and anyone else in the same boat.
Firstly, I found two YT videos that may help explain what I was trying to say anyway: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7sxpKhIbr0E and https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sWp87GXDvEk . Imagine that a tiger is chasing you with intent on eating you, this is clear motivation to run for your life, specifically it is negative motivation (also called in psychology Negative Reinforcement) - you are looking to avoid a bad outcome, but that doesn't mean the motivation itself is bad. Too many people assume negative always means "unforgivably bad". Most Asian cultures focus on negative reinforcement - "do this or your parents/friends/culture will be disappointed" - the ability to even imagine that these people will be disappointed is enough to drive many people raised with this mindset to do whatever it takes to push past the underlying human urge to be as lazy as possible to reach a goal.
The urge to be as lazy as possible is human biology, and no one should feel shame for thinking about it, because this biological imperative also helps to drive people to find more efficient ways of doing things. The problem is actually that the biological programming is a leftover from the caveman days where every day was a struggle to survive, so there was no need of a biological program to remind humans to get up and move when everything in nature was trying to kill them. The urge to be lazy worked well in those days for discovering how to calm the chaos and make productive order, but nowadays we don't have tigers chasing us so the urge to be lazy has for some people created a perfect situation where we can be lazy for the rest of our lives!
We don't need to become better or faster artists, we don't need nice fursuits, we don't need to lose fifty pounds - these are all the voice of that lazy biological programming, and in American society it's very true, because American culture says do not shame others for not being more than the bare minimum, which has it's roots in noble purpose, but how can a person raised in this kind of society motivate themselves to do something that they want?
My answer is to turn regret into motivation: I was never in a situation where people really cared about what I did, so pride and encouragement from others was never an option for me, instead I see all the times I let myself believe that voice that convinced me that I didn't need something and decades later I still feel bad for not having it, in fact, I feel worse for all the wasted time of not having it. This is regret, now if you take the knowledge of regret and apply it to an new skill or desire, when the voice of laziness says that you don't need something, you can reply to it that yes, biologically I may not need this thing, but I also know that not having it will make me unhappy.
As a real world example: I hate my beard. It gets caught on my favorite jacket and that hurts. Shaving hurts because no matter what I do, my face is so soft and the beard so stiff that shaving looks like an attempted murder. I tried to use a laser hair remover a few years ago, but I got tired for how much work it was and depressed for how long it was going to take not to mention that it kinda hurts. That is when the lazy voice crept in and said, "you know, you don't actually need to do this", and I gave into the good feeling of giving up, but my problem never went away, and it like all of the others, turned into regret, so here I am again, and every time that I get tired from the routine, I remind myself that work, any work, is uncomfortable, but I do want this badly enough to push through that because this discomfort is temporary while the discomfort of not doing is permanent.
Regret is the tiger that is always chasing all of us, we just sometimes don't acknowledge it because it seems so far off until it isn't, but we can choose to start running long before it starts eating us alive. Now, I will say that along the way, running from regret by taking steps toward your goal, can turn into pride and self-satisfaction for achievement. Just like Fitbits start off with a 10,000 daily step goal, you have to discover what your daily goal should be. It's easy when someone can tell you what your goal should be, like spend 20 minutes a day drawing facial expression or read a chapter from the instruction book or do problems 1-15. That's all set up for you, but most of the time, you have to discover your own plan of action by jumping into the new thing because there are no instructions then make lots of mistakes as you try to figure out what you are suppose to do. We were talking about learning all the things for VRC, so do you start with Blender or Unity? World building or avatar creation? It can feel overwhelming to the point of believing that maybe it is too big to ever learn, but without a guide you have to pick something, then discover how much you should learn and do as a sustainable daily or weekly goal. Maybe it is not exactly what you want, but it will help you learn where you want to go, and this is not wasted time. Wasted time is simply standing still and letting the tiger of regret catch you.
You have sent me on an introspective journey, because both our motivational problems and solutions and remaining problems are so different.
You use anxiety as a motivator, while for me it is the greatest demotivator. The proverbial tiger makes me want to hide or jump off a cliff - or jumping it, not caring if I live, only hoping to take it down with me.
My only active motivation (besides minor instincts towards territory and hoarding) is that I genuinely enjoy making things, decorating things and repairing things. All my other motivations - inspiration, compassion, anger, arousal - are reactive. I do not have the instincts toward dominance, or group membership, or social contact, or even my own survival - and I do not want them, they drive people insane. Living according to my instincts I would be a solitary hunter-gatherer - and that does not fit into these modern times.
If I cared even a little less, I would disappear into the Canadian wilderness. But alas, there it too much to care about, because my compassion has not limits in its breadth, nor does my wrath. There are the people who care about me, and at times I am angry at them for it, for I do not want to be mourned, for sadness is an ugly, ugly thing, and I do not mourn for I have no desire to meet people, only to see them in a good state and exchange ideas with them until late.
The many hanging hammers of Damokles, looming to break the world, might make seem futile, even foolish, what can be accomplished in a single lifetime, and give little hope for the next finding the world in a better state, but rather stuck on our planet, cruical resources wasted, until the sun dies and takes us with it. And we would deserve it for our foolishness, for letting the weak rule and the wicked live. For letting ourselves get deluded and selectively bred into servants.
It is too late to be sane, to late to care, at this time of night. Thus I go kamikaze, thus I am unleashed, I hope it does not give you a fright. But this was my third (now fourth!) draft and I reject the Now and choose Forever, for to not choose it means Never.
Fourth: Had a little episode, but needed it. The rants were longer. But I can only really be a kamikaze or a fraidy cat, trying to walk the middle path steers me towards anxiety, with a short detour through misery. I tried that for the last decade and besides a few addictions that took me years to kick it got me nothing and nowhere. Anything I got was through the mercy of others and that cannot continue. It is unfair to them and anathema to me. And looking at my past regrets just makes me think whether self-immolation would help me pay off my karma. Neither is productive. I need to get back to the times (mindset) when megalomania kept me going, when inspiration is all I live for, the sweet song that needs to be written, that needs to be turned into art.
My only regret is that I stopped. That I ever stopped. All other regrets grew from that. If I had been braver, if I had been more courageous, if I had followed that path 15 years ago! Past me was weaker and I can only blame him partially.
Thank you. For making me look back and dredging that up. I have looked into the past and now I came back stronger.
Thank you.
You have sent me on an introspective journey, because both our motivational problems and solutions a
