I don’t remember if I had ever apologized for the actions I did in my past. But regardless of if I had or hadn't, I feel like I need to now.
I originally started making art and posting on the web back in 2012 on DeviantArt. (This was back when I was only 12 years old.) I grew most of my initial fan base at the time drawing transformation art, something I would continue to do until 2017. During this time, I made an absolute fool of myself; I cannot claim it as an excuse, but my social awkwardness at the time was due to my inability to control my autistic tendencies that I didn’t get help with controlling until late 2015-2016, and have only really truly mastered controlling in more recent years.
But that is far from the worst that this body and mind has done in the past. Without anyone I could call a friend, and only basic control over my antisocial tendencies, I fell down the alt-right rabbit hole. I took everything the algorithm fed me, falling down the Trump train after Bernie was dropped in place of Hillary. (This took place between the ages of 16-20) I helped push some of their propaganda sharing it around without knowing or seemingly caring about the damage it did to others. (Likely boosted by internalized guilt I felt about not feeling 100% cis or straight.) I do not know if I can ever be forgiven for any of that…
When George Floyd was killed by the police in mid-2020, I started to realize my mistakes; I saw how every alt-right media piece was vilifying him to hell and back, but part of me saw past their lies, realizing their post-mortem slander. I started distancing myself from the alt-right more and more, not knowing who to trust.
In late-2020, the family I lived with at the time, were starting to get more and more hysterical that the country would go to shit with Biden’s presidential victory. (Believing things like society collapsing, that the vaccine was some way to chip us, and all the other Q-anon crap.) I started to feel scared living at their house, so I called up my Father (who lived separately.) and told him everything. He agreed I could move to his house in a neighboring city to distance myself from my Mother and Step-Father.
Since my move to my Father’s house in February of 2021, I have been truly able to reflect upon myself as a person and grow, realizing the endless tsunami of mistakes I made in the past. It didn’t take until late 2021 for me to realize the signs, and come out to, both everyone and myself, as being trans and non-straight. Every day I wish I could go back in time and smack the ever-loving crap out of my younger self, to show them the truth, about the world and themselves, but we’re stuck here, in this reality, where the past is concrete, and the future uncertain.
I cannot expect for anyone to forgive me, no matter what I do, and that those who have blocked me, both through bots and directly, will ever see this, but I’ll do my best to make up for the sins of my past, even if that takes the rest of my living life.
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3 years ago
05 Mar 2022 18:02 CET
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