I decided to write this journal to share my story, for those who wonder and for those who concern about how am I doing right now.
Back at 1st February I have a mental breakdown, REAAAALLY bad this time.
My stress and depression which bottled up for so long can't take it anymore.
** I've committed suicide, but got rescue in time **
Stress from life, career, family, debt, lawsuit on bankruptcy, place to live, future without light at the end of the tunnel, and my grandma also got in surgery as she got to have to cut her legs off(She's 94 and also got alzheimer) ETC.
When it happen, I helping my mom cutting our dad's pill by half with my Nippers that I use for my action figure collection.
She have some argument with me as usual, she's stressful no less than me but all the time I'm the one who got to be treated poorly, I feel like I'm the bottom of our stress pyramid, I have to be the one that take shits from everyone and be done with it, without understanding and apologizing of course.
I felt worthless all the time.
But this time it hits differently, It's like the broken feeling I've bottled up all these time, it's finally shattered.
Out of desperation without sanity left, I hold the nippers in my hands and puncture through my left forearm without hesitation as hard as I can.
My mom saw it and yell "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"
But I'm losing control completely, I did it again, but the second puncture I've cut it along my forearm trough my hands, bleeding.
"I don't want to live anymore"
"I don't know what purpose should I be alive"
"I don't know what I'm worth of, I feel worthless all these time"
"I don't want to be a burden to anyone anymore"
Is all I scream and crying in respond.
My dad are the one who pass by and rush to stop me, he take nippers in my hands and throw away, hugging me and try to console me.
Back then couple of years ago, my dad has been hit hard with reality that our business went really poorly and we're in big debt, also realizing his health got worse as he got older.
I am the one that stand by his side, taking him to hospital, talking with him, console him, I don't want him to feel lonely and worthless like I did so I also take him to psychotherapist as well.
He did know how much my devotion to stand by his side, and when things get worst for me, he's the one who's stand by my side.
I've cried my heart out, my desperation, my worthless feeling, how badly everyone treat me despite how I want to encourage them, how I end up being the garbage that everyone throws their stress at.
My mom which is also there by that time, try to keep guilt trips me (She's always has been...) but when she finally calm down and realized she did cried and apologizing, taking our first-aid kit to treat my wound while my dad try to console me.
After I've settled down, we've been talk our hearts out, and now we understand each other better like I wish all along.
Also my brothers and sister, they react differently when they learn that I've commit suicide attempt out of desperation(uncontrollably by my mental depress of course)
My oldest brother who was quite a hot-tempered guy also show really weird concern in his own way, but in the end he tear up apologizing he didn't stay by my side like he should, which I have to console him that he's always has been and thanks him for caring me(How the table turn, hahaha)
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Now everything has been settled. It also leave a mark on my forearm, not a serious wound but I don't know if it will fully heal or turn into scar in some way, but either way I don't mind.
At least things will get better now, for real this time as I know I got the support and understanding by my family this time around.
And thank you as always for reading my story and be a careful watcher.
With your support I can keep being my positive self, I can laugh and smile, I can feel worthy in some way and finally, with everyone around that I can see the hope at the end of tunnel.
Thank you so much
Love ya all <3
