I feel so sick to my stomach. I absolutely hate making a scene of myself, but I know a lot of people want me to not feel suicidal every fucking day or making drastic decisions like moving back into my car and, say, fleeing the country? I don't know what i'm talking about.
I don't know what to do. I ignore so many "please help me" posts because I live in constant poverty myself so why do *I* deserve help if I don't help other people? Like, fuck that and fuck me. I hate being selfish more than I hate being alive.
Look I don't expect help but I'll explain the situation a little bit anyway. I don't know what else to do but vent and cry anyway. I've been waking up unable to catch my breath for at least an hour every day for weeks now, and I just, gotta, do something? Even if its just a useless blog post.
I am not a strong person. In 2018 I moved to Portland and moved in with friends I thought I could trust, but they didn't even tell me who they were when I met them, even though I'd told them all of my secrets, they hadn't even told me truthfully anything honest about themselves. I felt like I went into a different world. I got cheated on and gaslit and lied to--I wasn't perfect either, but by 2019 I got fired from my barista job after this young pregnant Catholic girl became a shift-manager and rail-roaded me and got me fired for non-work related reasons, and I mean crazy shit like accusing me of taking bribes. I kid you not, the thing that finally got me fired though was when I asked to fix my name-tag before I took out the trash (which I did) and was fired for "insubordination." That was the hardest job and it made me throw up every fucking day when I got home because of the stress. But I loved my job, I loved being a barista, I love coffee and I love making people happy and delighted. But the customers would sometimes *scare* the living daylights out of me, and being fired for such awful reasons after being cheated on by people who lied to me about who they were and making everything my abusive family said would happen to me if I made friends, any friends online, just...
It broke me. I have been out of work since then. I should have started doing Uber deliveries when the pandemic started, if I had I wouldn't be in this situation but after nearly dying driving from Portland to [redacting city just in case, privacy], and I mean that, the icy conditions and getting lost in the middle of nowhere at night because there was a chemical spill on the highway and the detour went through a reservation so there were no real roads and no signs and NOTHING... It was snowing and I wound up near some kind of refinery and the fires of its spouts made it look like I'd wandered into hell. And that wasn't even before the wind-shield wipers broke during a snowstorm after getting into the mountains passed Salt Lake City.
I didn't want to drive. I didn't want to talk to people. I didn't want to expose myself to anything.
My mother is the worst sort of person, just a petty, scathing hateful narcassist who finds ways of making you financially dependent on her so she can make unreasonable demands of your time, your opinion, and your emotions. She does not accept any situation in which there is not fighting. She pits people against each other and fabricates conflicts to make people fight. She will get *mad* at me if I go too long without arguing with her and will start arguments over nothing. She makes no money and has hardly made any money at all her entire life. My Dad makes the money--he's a lawyer. For a long time I've been financially dependent on help-outs from my father.
I wouldn't be in this situation if I'd been stronger and doing the Uber shit at the start of the pandemic like a smart woman would, but I haven't been smart. I've been weak and scared. But my credit card is due today and I have no money at all, no gas, my sister is going to start charging me rent soon, my car payments are absurd and due soon, the insurance is due soon, the phone bill is past due, the food-stamp card was already exhausted buying groceries for my family (my card). This is my fault but it is not wholly my fault.
This house and its home-loan should be on my Mom's name, but, she bought this house with my sister's name, fooled my sister into thinking it will be fine because Mom would "pay rent", only for her to immediately decide she wanted to move out. Dad was getting fed up with my Mom, but, they are co-dependent. After Mom moved out Dad moved *back in* a week later, so, he continued paying for what Mom agreed would pay for this house to even be bought, and again, my sister did not want to buy a big house but Mom convinced my sister to cooperate with her on getting this house, only for it to wind up being in my sister's name, not even co-signed.
But because my Dad is co-dependent, and Mom at least lets Dad feel like the baby boomer "King of his Castle" old war vet that he wants to feel like even if its illusory, he "moved back in" with my Mom, although until about a week ago he was still living here basically all the time. In fact half of his stuff is still here. Mom and Dad have been using our house, which should be OUR house, but instead its "Mom's spare house" for all her stuff and we don't have a garage now, and, it is legally only in my sister's name, AND..... out of nowhere Mom cut us off from our father.
The money Dad was sending me didn't arrive this month. Dad's rent to my sister hasn't shown up. We've both been calling Mom and Dad but neither of them are answering our calls. Mom knows how to block phone numbers and Dad doesn't know how to work a phone he makes Mom answer the phone for him. I think she's blocked our numbers on both of their phones. We finally got in touch with Dad through a third party and he has no idea what is going on, but, he does know that the bank account specifically linked to us kids's accounts, is *completely* broke.
And then he told us he knows for a fact Mom spent the money. All of it. My Mom spent 9000 some dollars in less than two weeks, and, according to Dad, it started just around the time that just so happens to be the time I had my last argument with my Mom. The argument? She was mad that I didn't want to get into an argument with her because I had to go to my therapy session instead. So because I "blew her off" she got into a fight with me and I threw a pillow at her and called her a narcassist, which she is, but... that was enough.
My Mom is literally that petty. One of the other times she tried to cut Dad's money off to me was because I disagreed with her about "sharks killing more people in the United States in a year than people die in storms worldwide." I am not joking, she's that petty.
So, my sister and I are fucked, my Mom somehow went on a crazy spending spree and blocked our numbers from my Dad's phone because we can't call him but other people can, Mom's not talking to either of us, my debts piled up because I am a weak bitch who should have killed herself YEARS ago, and I feel too hurt and betrayed because of a relationship from two years ago to fight for myself properly.
And I hate that I made anyone goddamn read this. I mean, fuck, my situation isn't even *unique*, let alone the worst out there. People who ask for help are always in situations I can't even imagine and here I am writing this shit? I'm not trying to pull some woe is me shit, if you the reader are annoyed and irritated by my blog post, I completely understand, I think you have every right to be rolling your eyes at my goddamn mess. I know its my own goddamn fault I'm in this mess. I know I'm stupid, I know I'm supposed to take care of my own affairs and be wary of people and make good decisions but I'm just *so... goddamn... stupid*, like, all the time. I'm just so naive and I just can't shake my instinct and urge to try and exist in cooperative environments but I just... can't seem to find that.
I mean the last serious relationship I was in wound up involving someone who acts *just like* my Mom, in a lot of ways. You'd think I'd have avoided that person like the plague but no they were important to me for like 15 years. I just want to put faith and love and hope into people until its looong since too late. Friends and therapists help but there's just no fixing stupid. So yeah, you have every right to be mad at me instead of feeling sorry for me.
But some people want me to try and look out for myself and, right now I don't know what else to do but vent in a blog post.
I could be doing Uber right now to try and get some money but I think I am about to be "fired" from Uber because I have a super low approval rating. I've made like 80 deliveries but I only have 7 thumbs up but 4 thumbs down and that has this "at risk" thing on my screen and I've been TERRIFIED of that and haven't been doing deliveries since it popped up, because I want to buy some face masks I only have the shitty disposable ones maybe that's the reason? I've been taking lots of advice on how to do Uber properly and make people happy.
But that's not all. I'm also completely broke and out of GAS. So, no gas, no car, no deliveries, no money, and even if I could I might get fired because everyone around here has cameras on their front doors so maybe they're thumbing me down because of my stupid cheap masks?
I've been trying to get commissions done to shore up some money so I could at least get back on the road and making deliveries, but I've been so fucking stressed and sick that I can't sit down and focus. It also doesn't help that I have to babysit *a lot*, like, a lot a lot. I live with two other women, they're both mothers--my sister and her best friend. They have kids (gods the thought of being pregnant or having kids in these circumstances terrifies me), but the two of them are also alcoholics. And they've not been doing well.
My sister's boyfriend ended up being a pedophile, and I don't mean "pervy pervy I like roleplay with fake, inaccurate cartoon kid characters", I mean the *has irl childporn* kind, and I dunno what his deal was but I think he was schizophrenic and he just went *nuts*. My sister would confide in me about how unstable he was becoming and hearing about this shit just made *everything* goddamn unsexy. You think I can live in fantasy land when the disgusting evil world is pounding at my door? It's been like a nightmare.
So then he committed suicide. My sister has *not* recovered from that. For all his problems she loved him a lot.
Then my roommate's boyfriend was killed by a drunk driver going at like 75mph. So, neither of them have been able to *work*, they've been drinking and crying.
And, to top things all off, someone murdered two of our cats, someone in the neighborhood is murdering people's pets and the cops aren't doing anything. And I think maybe my sister is starting to lose her mind, she's having fugue states and poured bleach into the fish tanks and killed everything and doesn't remember doing it. Everyone but me is drinking 5th's of rum a day, and I'm probably addicted to marijuana because I throw up multiple times a day if I don't smoke it (which of course isn't very often cuz that's expensive), but I don't drink because it makes me ill, but I try not to judge... but my own sister *won't* hang out with me unless I drink with her.
So I haven't even been able to connect with her. We all feel like strangers in our own house now.
And then, well, Mom spends all of Dad's money and leaves us high and dry and blocks our numbers on his phone and stops taking our calls and we're now all broke, alcoholic, lost people (oh yeah my aunt died this fall how did i forget that), and. just.
I know its not as bad as other people have it. I know I'm still just a privileged white bitch living in America and some people don't even have water right now.
But it has been a bit... *much*. I'm the girl that cries if I spill my tea. I'm serious. I'm that sensitive even when I was happy and healthy.
Once I muscle through this commission, I can get paid and have a small amount of cash to at least gas up and get a new face mask and try to be adultin' like I'm supposed to. I just need to work hard. But I've been so stressed out that I feel hung-over *ALL THE TIME* and I don't even drink. I know there are people who could handle this situation and not even blink, but I'm just not that strong.
Sorry this was so long. That's the situation. I'll probably delete this in a few days or a week since I hate drawing attention to myself, but... I did a thing, for whatever its worth.
