So this is going to be a bit of a long one, so bear with me. Thank you.
I haven't written anything like this in a while, but I feel is an important exercise – this is, in a way, an apology to many, but also, means of reaching out and just talking about what has been going on in my mind.
Coming back after five years has been really difficult, but it has also helped me realized how much I've missed not just drawing, but reaching out to the fandom at large, and the people I've met along the way and the friends I've made. Some of whom I miss and lost contact with, some of whom I feel I've wronged but never quite know how to reach out and say “hey, I fucked up.”
I've been on an interesting journey of not only self learning, but finally growing out of my last bits of what I like to call my “teenager” mind, and learning to see things for what they are, and about myself, and just doing what I can do be better about those. Five years ago and some change, I made a big move and came to Hawaii.
It was a change that at the time I thought I was ready for, but truth to be said, I wasn't. I wasn't prepared for the isolation it put me in, or how lonely it made me feel. It sunk me into depression and that fed the isolation into pushing people away from me even more. It got really bad, and I completely shut myself away and just kept to myself. Eventually I began seeking help, and started therapy. It was a slow but constant process, which helped me learn how to deal with not only what I was feeling at the time – but a lot of things I wasn't even aware I had to work on.
You see, I always did this one thing where instead of facing a problem, I just ran away from it. I moved so many times, started again so many times, all so I couldn't face the results of what I did, until I had to. In 2013 something big happened in my life and I realized I fucked up for real that time, it was eventually the event that led me to the current path I find myself on. At the time though, I was woefully unequipped to deal with any of what was going with me. Doesn't helps that I never reached out to people, or told anyone what was going on. But I ended up cutting a lot of people off, for good, but mostly, for bad reasons. I can't really start to begin to figure out how to reach out and apologize, but for what is worth, I really am.
While never out of malice, I've done my fair share of dumb decisions, but then again, I was never the brightest or the most emotionally mature person, I've acted too much on impulse and feeling and too little on thinking how I was living would affect those close to me. I am not that person anymore though. But the hardest process that comes from all that introspection is realizing – and becoming aware, of the things I did when I didn't know better. I can't change those, but I can try my earnest to make sure I don't repeat them, in the end of the day, that's really all I can do.
I don't want to push people away anymore either, I want to reach out, I want to feel like I am part of something again, and what I do make things better. I was able to do that in a way in my personal life, changing career, finding better focus in my life and just working to be closer to those whom helped me along the way. But looking back at the furry world, while I made new friends and got into new things, becoming enamored with fursuiting as a whole and being able to become log, I also greatly neglected another thing that made me happy, and to a degree others, which was art.
I am sorry for all of those I lost touch with, or pushed away, or wronged because I couldn't deal with my own shit, I wish I could go back and change that, but I really can't, looking forward, all I can do is continue to do the best I can on being better about myself, and how I interact with others. Awareness can be both a blessing and a curse when it comes to that. If you feel like I have wronged you in any way, I really am sorry I did.
I am always up to talking, and trying to figure things out, I shouldn't let my past define me, while I shouldn't also forget the bad – so I learn from it, and the good, so I cherish it. One of the good things I lost was all friends I made along the way, and all the people I used to be able to reach out to with the things I draw. Hopefully I can get that back, I can be better, and do better for friends new and past.
I guess the only thing I can add is, if you ever want to talk, or say hi, please do. I'm a dog after all, I like new experiences, meeting new people and making friends. If you're someone I lost touch with but want to change that let me know too, I can always be reached out on telegram or discord when I am home.
I know I can't fix everything I did wrong, but I know I can be better moving forward, and will keep on doing so, not only working on myself and on making my life better, but finding the things that brought me and those close to me happiness. This is an exercise I felt long overdue, just trying to reach out and say something.
For those who stuck around with me all this time, even when I was trying to drive everyone away, I thank you, for those who I did push away, I am sorry that I did. And for those new who happen to stumble upon the little ball of confusion I am at times, I am trying my best.
log out.
