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SS250 Reviews: Snow White and the Huntsman

Today on SS250 Reviews, we talk about the new Kristen Stewart/Chris Helmsworth movie, Snow White and the Huntsman.  Let me preface this by saying, NO, I have not seen Twilight, NO, I will NOT be seeing Twilight, NO, I hate everything ABOUT Twilight.  The only Twilight I care about is Twilight Sparkle.

With that out of the way, on to the real review....

...Meh.  It was MEH.  It is honestly one of the blandest movies I've ever seen.  Make no mistake, it had the POTENTIAL to be great.  It COULD have been spectacular, but... it wasn't.  I can't talk about the plot, the characters, the action, or the special effects because it was just so BLAND.  

Favorite scenes?  I had none.  Worst scenes?  None either.  It didn't SUCK, but that didn't mean it was anything GOOD either.  Honestly, I'd have rather have SEEN a crappy film than this, because at least I wouldn't have been so excruciatingly BORED.

I take it back... There is ONE scene that was good... because it was from ANOTHER F***ING MOVIE!!!  There is a sequence of Snow White walking through a pristine forest with all sorts of magical fairies and creatures around her that is BEAUTIFUL.  The problem:  IT'S PULLED SHOT FOR SHOT FROM PRINCESS MONONOKE!!!!!  They don't even PRETEND!!!  I'm not kidding, this sequence is stolen straight out of Miyazaki, and to be honest?  MIYAZAKI DID IT BETTER!!!

I had a high school film teacher who taught me: "The worst thing a film can do is not to be offensive, bad, poorly written, or shocking...  The worst thing a film can do is to be boring.  Because at least if it is bad or offensive, it is still eliciting an emotional response and serving the purpose of a film."

This film did not serve its purpose at all.  It is like bland, thin oatmeal or plain white bread.  It'll fill you up, but it won't taste good or leave you satisfied... But cook it down and add butter, brown sugar, and raisins; or toast it up, add lettuce, tomato, mayo, and bacon; and you have something decent and tasty that'll serve the same purpose.  If they had spent more time, cast someone other than Kristin Stewart as the main character, and worked on the script more...  (And gotten rid of the F***ING SHAKY CAMERA FIGHT SCENES!!!) ...This movie COULD have been great.  

But I'm not reviewing what it could have been.   I'm reviewing what it was.  

SS250's Final Verdict:  Bland...  Blaaaaaaaaaaaand.  It doesn't even have the decency to be BAD, it just... exists.  C-.
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Added: 6 years, 8 months ago
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