Why Ive been getting so depressed, so jealous, so easily upset.
I've lost touch with who I am. Who I made myself to be. Back when I first joined this fandom, I was a shy little geek looking for a place to belong. Started out with my local friends playing AD&D having a chuckle after discovering that I am a second generation D&D player. Well this lead me to find some interesting places when I got my hands on the internet. Starting out with, you guessed it, dragons. Just like most silly young kids looking to find others seeing their fantasies.
Fell into a chat site where I discovered Dragondale Inn. There I started to role-play and create characters. Exuradon was my first character I ever created for purpose of role-play online. Leading to Lord Dregan and finally landing Glaide into my lap. Back when I was young I found images of Glaide drawn by one Andrew Powell. Glaide ended up being the character that a kid creates that they want to be like. So I sought out to be more like Glaide!
I'm sure you are wondering where this story is going? Well thanks to Glaide, I grew up. I stopped being so shy, changed my bad temper and was more out going. I started to get alot more friends and was happy to go out and have fun anytime. So started my real social life that I had been dreaming of having.
One thing lead to another and I started meeting artists. Talking to people outside of role-play chats and gaining new types of friends. Started taking a little from everyone I met to cobble together a more up to date me. I always (to this day) take something home with me from a new friends person and add to myself.
Well at the young age of 17 I started traveling to MEET these online personas. I had been hanging out with some of the local folk first of course, but it was time to venture out into the world and actually find these people I had learned to trust. Started with a few private visits until I discovered conventions. What a way to meet new people!! My parents didn't care that I was part of this fandom, I suppose they thought it was good for me to be socializing more. So Anthrocon was my first convention. Worked to earn the money to pay for everything on my own and off I went. Sadly I didn't realize I needed to plan proper room space so I happily bed hopped to anyone willing to take me in. (Was surprisingly safe each time..guess I was lucky then?) This was also the faithful time that I happened to run into Preyfar (back before he became Dragoneer). Sat down on a couch waiting for people I knew...and sat down beside him without realizing it. Looked over to a sketch book he had opened and got excited since I recognized some of the art! Apparently he was looking for me as well having drawn probably my first or second official artwork of Glaide that truly belonged to me! He wasn't the only artist I had run into that had drawn art of me who had originals in hand waiting for me. I was shocked! Fell in love with the fandom even more, meeting such wonderful and awesome people. Making new friends where ever I looked!
Years passed and so did many conventions and even some private visits. I was deep into the fandom and couldn't see daylight anymore. I was happy where I was.
Well more recently I have noticed a change in myself that I did not foresee or plan. One I do not like at all!
I became a hermit.....
I slowly grew less social over the years. Yeah I would go out and hang out with people and friends. But I never held relations (as in friendships) Or relationships... Always just sat by and enjoyed the company from day to day. Like living from check to check. Yes I have my best friends I still hold dear, but I feel as though I have lost a connection with WHY I have friends at all.
I would hang out every chance I got. Here in cow-town where I currently reside, I would go to the ends of the city to meet up with people (bumming rides and busing it otherwise). Its become a sad realization that when I finally got off my ass and got my license, that the visits on both ends had become a rare thing. I had fallen away from the friendships I had forged. Leaving myself a lonely mess in the basement where I live. I dug myself a little cozy hole in a corner and now I'm having troubles crawling out.
I suppose this is a long winded way of saying. Glaide seems to have left me. I created Brent in recent years to actually more reflect ME as a whole. I'm happy with the persona that he is and that I....well that I was. But I have lost myself recently. I watch all these relationships flourish, friendships solidify. And realize...I'm just standing back and watching, not experiencing.
Guys I finally figured out why Ive been so unhappy in the last few years. I don't know what I can do about this. My social life I'm sure I can get back to....with some effort. Love life. Well I left myself unable to really meet new people anymore outside of conventions I still attend.
Who I am is lost guys. I dont know how else to say it. I have lost myself and am just a shell of my former self. I need help. I need a hug. I need people to drag me out and remind me that I am a friend still, that I am alive. I don't know where to turn anymore though...
Well this has been a very illuminating journal about myself and who I was and am now. I hope it bares fruit, knowing one of the big WHYs of my life. I have failed myself and who I am. All of this only stems from my own self leading me away from life.
Only time will tell I suppose, eh?
8 years, 6 months ago
27 Dec 2010 06:41 CET