As I discovered on someone's stream on Sunday, I have difficulty differentiating between fantasy and reality. Case in point, I seem to have an issue with girls and young women facing a degree of humiliation (e.g. partial or total nudity) prior to a spanking while male characters don't get the same treatment, especially if third parties are teasing them and/or their actions and the spankee's reaction will result in further punishment to them, implied or otherwise. The answer is, of course, male gaze - some people are purely heterosexual - but I was stuck in the mindset that it was dangerous for these characters due to them potentially being exploited and the disciplinarian possibly getting sexual pleasure out of what should be a disciplinary situation.
It ended up degenerating into raised voices (over text) and anger, and the streamer possibly losing a customer who was a witness to some fo it in the stream chat. My determination to ensure everyone is safe, to uphold social justice and eliminate sexual exploitation, gender discrimination and victimisation ultimately resulted in kink shaming and general rudeness. Maybe seeing some of the more extreme art on Inkbunny such as castration and gore has tainted me somewhat, and my autism causes me to struggle to differentiate between fantasy and reality, but whatever the excuse, I made a very ugly situation. I am very much ashamed that I upset people, and I'm not sure how I can improve from it, especially as damage has been done. For myself and my loneliness, it's cementing that no-one would want me and I've become one of those feminazi SJWs that are the butt of all jokes on the Internet, but for the sake of the greater good, if removing myself from future streams or interaction ensures everything remain harmonious, I will take that step, because just staying in a stream with awkward silence and unable to move on, because I cannot move on unless I pay for a crime, will only fuel personal anxiety until I explode again. It's up to the person who runs the stream though. No-one should have to deal with my emotional baggage or be expected to train me to be a civilised human being, especially at my age.
I do want to be a friend to people, and learn to coexist with them. I don't like stepping wrong. I want to stand for true justice, freedom, safety and dignity for all. What do I do? How do I learn without harming others who don't think the same way as I do while still being fundamentally good people? How do I even learn to think how others might think?
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3 years, 8 months ago
28 Jul 2020 21:52 CEST
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