It's nearly impossible for me to conceive of a way of writing this without it being about my firsthand observations. That's my experience in the subject, that's everyone's experience in the subject. Over the years one observation has been constant: there's always going to be someone irked by the outcome. That seems to be a universal truth, not just about this topic, but about any and every topic. If there are enough different 'stakeholders' at least one of them isn't going to like the outcome. If conflict doesn't exist then something's missing; be it all of the stakeholders or the full details of progressing forward in time.
My present problem stems from the results of attempting to find a fair and universal way of approaching the topic of physical sex (typically the second dictionary definition: 'to sex': determine/declare which sexual organs are present) and social gender (loosely, which pronoun is preferred). My logical answer was to be both fair and avoid every stranger I encounter possibly considering something I say to be a slight towards them for lack of recalling their personal preference for social gender by always using singular they. In that goal I might have actually succeeded, but possibly at the cost of being seen as even more odd, different and confusing: someone others find revolting.
It seems likely that this same confusion and difficulty exists for any same-pronoun interactions as well. Maybe a surrogate pronoun buffer is used, like singular they for the 'other'. Maybe it's just unconsciously overlooked. Or maybe that's just something encountered mostly by those who have a preference for using the same pronouns already and it just gets overlooked. This is an area where my own observations don't work or count. My true self is a herm, and I've been using singular they for everyone for a few years now, during the few chances that haven't worked out.
The one thing I do know is that trying to remember everyone's preference just isn't going to work for me. I have enough difficulty remembering names and faces. Thus my decision tree looks something like this:
Draft Option A: Continue using singular they for everyone, to be fair and not prejudice anyone.
Draft Option B: Make an initial assumption based on some exterior factor; probably every conversation unless I've interacted enough for memories to sink in.
Option B is also more complicated and messy in other ways; such as related to myself. One of the other reasons I went to using 'they' was as a self description that was accurate and didn't seem to conflict with the not small portion of the population which actively detests the use of traditional (in the places I started roleplaying online) herm pronouns such as shi and hir. While I do still think of myself as an actual 50/50, not-feminine and not-masculine herm: in light of my 'custom no' (anti)kink about myself not penetrating others, I've concluded some pronouns imply expectations I will not fulfill. Even if someone obvious submissive who does use those pronouns isn't expected to fit those expectations either, the same appears to not hold true for herms. So with Option B is a set of sub-choices.
Option A they should work for everyone, dammit: Continue using singular they for everyone, to be fair and not prejudice anyone.
Option B hir with dynamic for others: Adaptive use of pronouns, with primary self pronoun shi/hir/etc (recommending falling back to she/her/etc if someone's uncomfortable).
Option C her with dynamic for others: Adaptive use of pronouns, with primary self pronoun she/her/etc (but accept shi/hir/etc for me as well).
Even though I list Option A, that is my 'status quo': possibly be one of the reasons things haven't been working out for me. The brink of this decision feels very much like that moment in 1984 (the book) when the guy in the resistance is so completely broken down by their torture, myself by social isolation and stigmatization, that they willingly drink the koolaid and want to believe.
What do the glimmers of light in my life want me to believe?
Equally as important, why is that opinion the best and correct one?
Please persuade me: what pronouns should I use?
Replies in public are preferred, but if you reply via a PM or note or something elsewhere please reply letting me know you've done that.
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4 years, 5 months ago
29 Jun 2020 21:32 CEST
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