This is a Rant about myself, dont comment if your going to just say crap like pity self, or other bs because i'll block you and probly worst down the like just to 'play' on your level of humanity.
There isnt a day that i dont feel like a burden on my family, their sanity and everything, Honestly contemplating on disapearing for a while or ever. ya so what if people get sad or angry, im just a person they'll get over it, i contribute very little other then games and some companionship online or offline, Can barely leave the house at all even to exercize getting fat and i dislike it, My Anxiety is hella worst lately. Oh and they say go exercize and do something, with what motivation and next step below can answer something else about that.
Think the bullet for tonight was being in Sack and save, annoying the family i needed to go, need a bunch of things but i guess im a hassle even though i texted them hours ago about it as i lacked low on my diabetic things. Simple things i cant do like drive to the store. But my Psoriatic arthritis is finally being treated with taltz but i have a problem that the damage caused from from my Humira suddenly not working cause of the missing month and now worked against me, Damaged my knee, in Sack and save my kneecap moved and my whole leg buckled and i went crashing to the floor, glad my face missed the wagon handles and floor, But no one was looking so only my pride was hurt alittle.
But im starting to thin, What the fuck am i doing here anymore, im just a leech of the 'system', my friends, my family, or what ever, WHAT i used to be in the past, energetic, outgoiing, physically active, Ya thats a thing of the past, i can probly attribute past boyfriends girlfriends and random folks for steering me this way before i came back to hawaii back in 2007, but the damage is done, and i just dont feel like keeping up the smile anymore.
And its noit like i can up and leave, move to a diffrent state, the trauma-ptsd i recieved back in 2014 has made it VERY clear that Airplane transits gonna be a nightmare for me, the passangers and pilots, Cars are just as almost scary, nearly 65 every panic attack ive had was in a vehicle WHILE i was driving and i saddly clearly remember all of them and the feelings i had during them. While i love living in hawaii its expensive, medical systems way good though for medication coverage , but i feel i dont want to be around any i know to save myself embaressment, pity or What the fuck ever, just want to disapear.
I dont have the capital for Treatments id like to try, like that hypno/brain therapy i heard of here on maui that has good results, dont think insurance covers that. And i rely to much on my Lorazepam, i know im not addicted to it but i dont like how it makes me feel, But there has been times i needed it while even siting at home, i become confused cloudy scared an can no longer think rationally because all i want to do is either run or rampage, gets so bad that even when i can think for a second and find my medication, I dont remember how to Take it, untill i calm down just for alittle just on the psuedo effect that someone, or i found my Anxiety meds that i can be able to rush for a drink and swallow a pill and suck on my inhaler.
Motivation or lack there of, So games usually are my motivation to keep going cause its fun, but as of late not so much, i feel irritated by things, by friends, by random salty people, that it has not been fun, my chair is falling apart and not helping with mitigating the joint stress ( im a pain pill junkie atm due to arthritis flairups, but to much pills is bad sometimes i'll just ride out the pain for a week), Been wanting to replace my desk setup with a oZone Cockpit, but stuff like that cost $$$, and i am just a leech off Dept of Treasury's ssi system, Eitherway i just dont feel like gaming online or in our Gaming Tent, But All the gamers are welcome to use the gaming tent by just droping me a text, i dont need to be there..
3D modeling passion has been sparked up again and was doing some stuff in sculptris that made it rather fun, while it is a passion, again comes the motivational factor, so many days been trying to do Zbrush learning, but i want to do it via streaming to, to chat with other artist who could probly give me tips, or users that could do the same or just chat, but i become nervous or it becomes late late at night where talking can be a issue to the household.... But i need to find the motivation its what i want to do really but it can be tough when your hormonally and chemically imbalanced.
Sigh this became a rant, getting old im up there these days hell i had a young furry flip out on me when they learned my age which was rather uncomfortable needless to say, ESPECIALLY if you've heard my crapy voice,i still sound like someone in their 19-30's not one in the 40's.. why am i still a furry? still questioning that, guess is still looking for love in the community i felt happy in since 1985.
