Hindsight sucks. This entire time, I've been chasing applying for illustration gigs and forcing myself to link to an idea of "progress" and "self perseverance". But even though I make progress and persevere, I take all of it for granted because my "status" as an adult has overpowered my values, and the constant silence from the companies I apply to doesn't just discourage me, but invites my dad's side of the family to gaslight and contribute to my insecurities about my living situation and lack of a livelihood. My dad's voice is really the only one I consistently hear on a daily basis. Yesterday, he told me to give up my pursuit as a creative. And because of these ideas of fear, I just stoke my attitude of feeling lost. Yesterday, I did something that turned that all around.
Anyone who has not heard of "The Academy of Ideas" should know that they post a lot of psychological and philosophical videos on YouTube. And through an activity suggested through the last video I saw, I reconnected with my values and realized my calling, and it is much less complicated than I imagined. I just want to make connections with others and nurture them until they become community, friendship, companionship, and when it's right, partnership. There are very few voices in my life, so security and gratitude is delicate, but I'm sick on depending on what labels an adult as an adult, or what status in life I have "achieved". I have tons of values, which makes this even easier, but I discovered that my biggest values and what I desire from this world is so general and basic. And nothing is in my way. But today, something happened that affirmed my prospective.
I checked my RIT account this morning to cancel an appointment with my career adviser (I'm sick lol). I found that I had been offered an interview for an entry level position starting at 31k with benefits. But because it's in NYC (6 hours away) and I would have to be available 40 hours a week, I had to turn it down. They just didn't have the flexibility. But I realized that If I was in a much healthier environment with people who believed in me, and I had not doubted something like this happening, I could have planned my commute and gotten help forming a plan flexible and cognitive for any job situation I apply for. I may not have had to turn this down if I realized what I did yesterday, a long time ago.
But this is OK. I finally picture a place to go in this world. And it has always been one that I've felt incredibly unworthy of. It's been almost a year since graduation, and I have learned to tell myself that its not normal to be at my living status. But do you know how ridiculous the idea that I've already failed in my mid 20's is? a year after graduating? AND being a beginner in an incredibly competitive field? there's at least one person in this world who wants me to believe that. And pardon my french, but fuck him. We just coexist anyways, so I'm done listening to his put-downs and threats.
What I've been ashamed of for so long has truly nothing with my values. Yeah, to advance correctly, I have to go through my confidence of these recent realizations and go through doubt and roadblocks. But that's just maturing, and I've done way more of that this year than I tell myself I have. It's been hard, but I think that from this kind of milestone, it's uphill from here...
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4 years, 2 months ago
20 Feb 2020 21:37 CET
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