I had a breakdown in 2012, when I just realised that nothing actually means anything in the greater scheme... because there was no such scheme to begin with. That no matter what your long term plans are, they'll all come to nothing, even if you somehow got the whole world praising you for it.
It's when I accepted that I was never going to make a difference. Not a positive one at any rate, and that I am too much of a social and neurological cripple to ever truly go far on my own. (I can't stand labels like neurodivergence and neurodiversity, they imply something positive that I find from personal experience to be simply not there.) Most forms of encouragement simply demotivate me, I see "inspirational" sayings as hollow at best, completely false at worst. I see affirmations as self-brainwashing.
It's like I have to be selfish and cynical to be sure that my personality and my thoughts are my own.
With all that in mind, here's the question: How can you change yourself if you can't find anything that you can change to or become?
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5 years ago
01 May 2019 02:36 CEST
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