I feel like over the years I've gotten better with my online etiquette, but the fact is, I used to be pretty cringey at times in the past (especially when I was younger and dumber), so if I ever made you uncomfortable or annoyed you, I'm sorry about that. I often get really anxious and wind up making an idiot of myself pretty badly, but I'm done acting like someone I'm not, because it just makes me look and feel bad. I need to be comfortable just being myself, and not be gross and weird or disgustingly cute in an effort to seem like more "fun" than a blank slate, or else I'll never really be happy living that lie. It's fun to put on an act sometimes, but when you're always doing it, it can make you feel pretty bad, and frankly, I don't like that looking at my old comments makes me so uncomfortable, even if at times I was playing along or trying to be in-character.
I probably won't be buying art often in the future anymore, if at all. I wound up buying a lot of commissions when my depression started worsening over the past few years, and now that I've been dealing with things better, I feel like I just bought art on an impulse to feel good in some way, like by buying a lot of art I was making the artists happy which made me happy, and I also think I bought it to try to get some level of attention; but that isn't really a good way to go about making friends in the grand scheme of things. It's also because I was impulse buying, that I'm choosing to do this; I can't always afford to be spending irresponsibly, so this is a habit I need to take out now.
I'm sorry if this upsets anyone, but I've been struggling with this for a while, and I've decided that I need to just make a stand and do what will really make me happy in the long term.
I'm just tired of always feeling bad when I stop to wonder what the people who don't actually know me personally think of me, just based on what they see from a distance. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable, I don't want to cause anyone distress, I just get nervous and then try too hard to not be me. In truth, I would love nothing more than to be able to make people happy; to entertain people in need of a laugh, and to make those in pain smile. And if I ever want to do that, I need to stop hiding my insecurities by acting like a shameless perv, and make the effort to be the better person I want to be, or else I'll never be able to help people, because no one will want my help.
Now this isn't to say I'm not a perv on some level, I'm just not nearly as bad as I would let on. I'm not going full pure monk, I'm just "cleaning up my act" so to speak, and putting my foot down on when I'll play along and when I will maintain a demeanor I am comfortable seeing again in a years time. I want to be me -- nothing more, nothing less.
If you read all of this, then thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me.
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5 years, 7 months ago
12 Sep 2018 05:23 CEST
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