They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have a problem; well, I didn't realize it until recently but it turns out I do have a problem, I have trust issues. I didn't even take it into consideration until someone pointed it out, I mean.. trust issues? I'm the guy who always gives people the benefit of the doubt. I'm the guy who always gives people second chances, third chances, too many chances. I'm the guy who always wants to trust people, even if I've been proven wrong before. I guess everyone has their limits though, been stepped on, tricked, and manipulated too many times, and although I still thought I was the same trusting guy I've always been, it seems my subconscious disagreed. For a while now I've just.. had all these thoughts.. "are they really my friends or are they just using me for my kindness?" "I do a lot for all of them, but would any of them do the same for me?" "do they even really care about me? does anyone care about me?" I thought it was just my depression, and maybe the depression has something to do with it too, but now I realize that I definitely have trust issues now too.
Without even realizing it, I began pushing everyone away, I stopped talking to people, I stopped hanging out with people, every once in a while I would got someone over to record for my YouTube channel but.. it was always strictly business, and my social battery drained much faster than it used to, so I would always take them home before too long. I realize now that it was all my own doing, but for a while there, I got real bitter, getting inside my own head that no one cared about me because no one talks to me anymore, or they only do if they need something from me, but it's never for just me. Not only that but my anger levels grew, my anger towards my family for being Trump supports despite claiming to be moral Christians, my anger towards other Christians, hypocrites doing the same thing or worse, despite me being a Christian myself, my anger towards politics in general concerning this country, actually I guess it's all politics but I mean I guess the bitterness towards my friends could be contributed to here too idk
Realizing these things have helped me get better though, knowing the problem I can start to make steps to fix it, like being aware the it's my own doing of pushing my friends away is why we don't talk and not because they don't care helps me feel a bit better, and I can start to work my way back to how things were, and shut my brain up whenever it has those thoughts. However that's not the only issue in my life right now, another thing contributing to my depression is my financial situation, and the feeling of hopelessness regarding that.
If you haven't seen the vlogs I recorded, here's a quick summary of what happened: My beloved Smart Car broke down, oil leak into the engine, would be more expensive to fix than to just buy an new car. Dad had a friend that owns a used car lot all the way in Topeka (which is in Kansas, like an hour away, I live in Missouri, somewhat near the Kansas City area if that tells you anything), he takes me there and his friend hooks me up with a new (used) car, a 2006 Buick Lucerne for $3,000 (well actually it was supposed to be a 2004 Nissan Altima but it wasn't ready to be sold yet it still needed a few repairs, said he's have it done in a week but he didn't, in fact it didn't even look worked on at all so I feel a bit jipped, would have been cheaper too, only $2,400, I could have waited longer but I really needed a car right away, too many people rely on me for rides). I set up a payment plan of $300 per month, so it'll take me about a year to pay it off, I also sold the Smart Car to him for $500 to help with the debt.
real quick I should mention that this car, I know it's used but it's got some problems, it didn't always start, it sometimes stutters and just won't turn on, the radio doesn't work, the back 2 windows don't work, the windshield cleaning fluids or whatever doesn't work, and it failed inspection because of how bad one of the tires were, as well as the whole starter thing, however my dad took it back and they fixed the starter and replaced the tire for me for free so that it would at least pass inspection, so that's nice I guess (oh yea also it takes me $40 to fill up the tank when my Smart Car only needed $20, and it only lasts about a week when my Smart car could last me 2 :/)
The car of course only has temporary tags at first, expires in 2 months of when I bought it, well the deadline was coming up and the DMV was giving me trouble because there was confusion about my address since the guy put my parent's address instead of my own, but after that was all settled, they told me I had to pay the sales tax and property tax before I can transfer the tags from my Smart Car to my new car (cheaper that way) and those taxes added up to about $300, not to mention that the $300 car payment was due as well, I only make like $550-$600 a paycheck so it was my entire paycheck to do all this.
if that weren't enough I started having issues with.. it might be my lungs? or muscles in that area? I don't know yet, all I know is that about 3 weeks ago I noticed I felt small pain right under my chest on my right side whenever I took a breath, and heavier breathing or deeper breaths hurt more, it hurts to yawn, it hurts to burp, even non-breathing things like just that pushing you do when you pee hurt that area for some reason, it felt like something was being jabbed into my lung or something, I initially brushed it off as just some internal bruising or something because it was all internal, no pain on the skin. Cut to a few nights ago and I was woken up at 5 a.m. just just this intense pain right there in that area, I tried sleeping in different positions but nothing helped, I couldn't fall back asleep for a good half an hour or so just because I was in too much pain. I attempted to work the next day but I just couldn't, not only was I in pain but I was also just extremely winded, I couldn't run, I couldn't lift heavy objects very well, I had trouble standing back up if I had to get on the floor to stock something, etc (should mention my work is stocking the shelves at a local grocery store), so I told my boss and he sent me home.
Unfortunately I don't have any health insurance and neither does my family, so my mom did her best to find a place I could go that wouldn't cost me too much, and I went to the doctor's the next day. they told us they can't determine anything without an X-ray, but the place we went didn't have one, and the place that did was already closed. They said they sent my info to the place that does, but I can't just walk in, I have to wait for them to call me, which sucks because if it's something I need to take off work for, I need to know so I can.. you know.. take off work (not that I can really afford to do that anyway but... you know how it goes) so, for now, I'm just stuck waiting for that call (also I know I wouldn't have to wait if I went to the ER but 1. I don't think this is really an emergency and 2. that would be MUCH more expensive and Idk if I can even afford to do what I'm doing right now).
Cut to today, still in a bit of pain but better than yesterday, got work later that I didn't plan to call out of, just needed to take my roommate to work, come home to relax for a bit, then go to work myself, well it seems like everything just wants to mess with me lately because one of my tired exploded on the way home. I was on the highway at the time but my exit was coming up so I just got on the exit and pulled into the grass on the left side of the road. I call my parents and tell them what happened, my mom tells me that our car insurance covers roadside assistance and that I should call them to help me out. My dad decided to briefly swing by where I'm at to see if I'm ok, while he was there he tells me that they wouldn't be able to change my tire on the side of the hill where I was at, so he pulls my car up onto the pavement of the road. He also informs me that the tire that blew also happens to be the very same tire his friend put on so I could pass inspection, hmmmmmmmmm.... Anyway, dad leaves eventually and I wait for roadside assistance to show up, before they do though, some guy in a truck labeled "emergency services" pulls up and starts yelling at me and calling me stupid. Apparently where I was was technically still in a lane of traffic, I tried to tell him that I was in the grass before my dad moved it so the people could change the tire when the got there, but he wouldn't listen. Anyway, he tells me to turn on my car, turn right and find a parking lot, (also remember, I was on the left side of the road) but then he started blaring his sirens really loud and other cars got in the way and I just started to panic, so I turned left instead because it seemed to be the safer option, and pulled in to a nearby gas station, he comes back to yell at me again though, asking "do you know the difference between left and right?" that guy was such a jerk, but I'm not sure if he was with the insurance company or not because roadside assistance showed up soon after and he took off, whatever I guess.
Luckily insurance covered everything about that exchange, I got a spare tire put on for free, however I WILL need to buy a new tire eventually, those spare ones are super thin and not made to be a long term solution, but I don't know how I'm going to afford that, I spent this entire paycheck on my car and next paycheck is going to rent and car insurance, not to mention I still need to get those X-rays and who knows how much that will cost me! so yea it only took several paragraphs but that's why I'm freaked out about my financial situation.
I think i said everything I wanted to say, ugh, sorry about the length but I've been holding everything in far too much and I really needed a good rant, I'm told keeping a journal would be good for my mental health (oh yea, the doctors say I should also see a counselor about my depression, but I probably won't since that's more money I can't spend) but yea, to summarize, I need to get out of this shell i built and start talking to my friends again so I can start to feel better and I'm royally screwed financially, thanks for listening
EDIT: oh yea, forgot to mention, I won't be going to college this semester because I couldn't afford my classes after my A+ Program expired, I should be able to get scholarships because I'm a good student, I mean I've been on the Dean's List every semester so far, though this last semester I didn't do *as* great and my GPA ended up dropping to a 3.49, literally JUST below a 3.5, making it so that I can't apply for scholarships that require I have a 3.5 or higher. x.x I applied for several scholarships but none of them got back to me, and I didn't have the money by the deadline so they dropped me out of my classes, but honestly with all that's happening I probably couldn't afford to go anyway, no way I could afford to buy my books with how things are going now, so it's probably a good thing. AT the same time though... I don't really even want much, I just want to do my Gen Eds and get my Associate's, that's it, I'm not going for a Bachelor's or anything like that, I just want my AA, and even just that is being extremely difficult DX
