This is not a fun journal..
My mind feels like it's fractured, pieces of sanity kept together by what little willpower or hope is left while it slowly crumbles away.
It's like a domino effect that I'm unable to stop, I can only hold so many pieces together before another slips away.
A subconscious that tries's to claim the role of it's conscious, a constant power struggle between the two, there's seemingly no end nor a beginning, with a reasoning far beyond my understanding.
It makes me feel sad when I'm not, or even have a reason to be sad about anything.
I'm 'thinking things' that in reality weren't even a thought to begin with.
I get tired from constantly pretending I'm okay, not just for myself but for others too, a mask you have to wear in the hopes of not spreading this 'depressive plague' in your mind, afraid it will break more than just yourself.
I'm not terrified of myself, I'm terrified of what people call: "The devil on your shoulder, your inner demon/darkness, your subconscious that lost it's way."
I'm scared it might give me thoughts, or not just thoughts but actions I wish not to do or think, right now it's just 'vague thoughts' it's like you were thinking it, but don't remember doing so.. if that makes sense.
It's like someone else is thinking inside your brain, along with whatever your doing.
I'm scared of that other person, not of what they can do, but what they might be able to make me do.
Right now the only things keeping me sane are the fact I don't want it to control me, so willpower. Along with discovering/doing new things, like new games, movies, books, etc. Hope is another thing, hope that one day I can overcome this, or at least control it like it try's to control me.
I, just need some encouragement or motivation, advice would be even better or a few kind words that won't be discarded as "Lies" by my "Super amazing Lie Detector, skeptical brain function" that's pretty much active 24-7 at this point..
That basically means that even though I know something is true, my 'detector' will identify it as a lie, and try to convince me off it.. awesome right? no not really T_T.
Thanks for taking the time to read it, I hope you are doing better than I've been for the last few months.
Please don't let this make you feel down, there's no need for more than one person feeling depressed by my mind.
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6 years, 3 months ago
08 Jan 2018 16:47 CET
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