Probably not many people noticed but I vanished off the face of the world for a while there.
For the past decade or so (more?), I've been living with my mother and helping her becuase she was first mobility challenged and then diagnosed with carcinoid cancers that had already metastasized all throughout her body.
This is also why I haven't had a social life for many years. I've lost 3 girlfriends over it, I'm on the ropes with my job over it...just, everything sucks.
Anyway, she's been in and out of the hospital a lot these past two months. She went back into the hospital just before my birthday, but was released and reached the point where she was actually able to eat 3 meals in one day.
Then, she started vomiting blood. I took her back to the Urgent Care and they sent us to the Emergency Room and then she was admitted again and one day that I called her expecting her back soon, she told me that they told her there was nothing more to be done and her kidneys were at 0%.
We tried to get her into home hospice because she wanted to pass at home. The palliative care nurse explained that she would have a wheelchair and such at home and would be able to still visit people in the final weeks or months she had left.
Then, the day I was to pick her up, they told me she couldn't talk to me because she was confused.
Over the course of two days I watched her mind disintegrate at home and gave her morphine and some anti-anxiety and basically missed a week of work to watch her die. It was not glamorous. It was peaceful in the final two days but it was not peaceful at all before that and I have no idea why the movies and such make it seem like they can give these final words and such.
And now I'm dealing with lots of things, including suddenly not having anywhere to live and probably getting fired from my work.
And that's on top of all the other news that's going on these days and it's just all upsetting and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to continue...sometimes I fight for a reason to continue.
Everything is terrible these days
5 years, 2 months ago
28 Nov 2017 21:50 CET