As several of my friends know, I've been planning on moving back to the East Coast for a couple months now. Tomorrow is the day. As a result, commission progress will be slow until I get back home, and get my PC set up again. The past few weeks have been really difficult. Even though I'm going to come back to visit my friends here in Wisconsin, and as optimistic as I've been trying to be about the move, it still means I won't be seeing a lot of the people that have been my friends for the past three years. This whole experience has been really bittersweet. I miss my family, but having to leave is hard.
I've made lifelong friendships during my time here, and I can only hope that time doesn't wear too much at the bonds between friends.
Life Updates/Random Thoughts
My plans for the future are simple: succeed at what I love doing.
I'm a bit odd. Monogamy is the kind of relationship I want, but my job is... drawing dick. So there's a bit of a conundrum that I've been struggling with. I've had a very difficult time being accepting of myself, and, as a result, of others. My head, for some reason, has such a problem with the fact that I want a monogamous relationship, yet I love drawing porn. The fact that it makes me happy becomes irrelevant, and I just wind up telling myself that I'm a fucked up freak who shouldn't exist. I know my brain is a big balled up mess of mushy, stupid, moronic cauldron of emotional and philosophical bullshit, but I really do appreciate those of you that have stood by me through all of it. All I've been telling myself lately, happy or not, is that life is a journey. It's difficult, yet joyful. Depressing as all fuck one moment, then the next, it's enlightening. Surviving by being aggressive and angry has lead me nowhere. It's caused me to shatter friendships that could've lasted years. It's made me lash out in anger, when there was no need for it.
I've spent my whole life in the shadow of a man that never existed, and never will exist. That shadow is what I always thought I was supposed to be. Someone straight, normal, someone who doesn't look at porn (let alone draw it), who doesn't have anger issues or severe ADHD... However, the one aspect of that shadow that I really thought I should've grown up to be is... Happy. Someone happy with their life. I'll be honest, I have never accepted myself for who I am, and what I love. I've always thought that, because I'm so far from what my folks were expecting me to be in life, it meant I just needed to change. To not be so fucking different. Clearly, that never worked. For the past 12 years, I've been struggling with issues that I really should've had resolved in high school. I've been scared for a long time. Scared of failure. Terrified of moving in one direction or another. I've torn myself down for so long now that I don't know how to move forward. I've never even set and accomplished a personal goal. My heart has been obsessively worrying about who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, when that wasn't what I should've been focused on.
Now, for the emo kid quote of this existential crisis of a journal. "Fuck love." I promise, I don't mean this in such a way as I'm giving up. In my case, it just means that I'm going to let life happen, and make the best of it.
Then, maybe, I could be happy someday. I love what I love. My family's acceptance of me will have to take a backseat to my own.
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TL:DR - Life sometimes sucks, I'm often a moron, gonna focus on other shit that doesn't involve falling in love. Oh, and I'm moving to New Hampshire. >.<
