So... Why is it that I am constantly not doing anything whatsoever...?
Well I always explained it away as writer's block and not having enough time to do anything. I'm basically running a full time job now on top of not being as creative as I should be, so yeah, these explanations are still valid.
But it's not the whole story...
Basically what it boils down to... Is that my mentality prevents me from doing so... What that mentality is is...
If I have no reason to do it, why bother?
When it comes to a LOT of things, I need a reason to do something in order to do that thing. If I get nothing out of it, I feel it will be wasted effort and time.
Of course I know that isn't always true. Some things have delayed results, or results I may not realize at first. But if I feel on the contrary... I ain't doin' it.
For example.. I HATE cleaning or anything like that... but I worked as a janitor for Walmart at one point. And I did it gladly, kinda. Because I knew there would be a paycheck waiting for me for my hard work every other Thursday.
I get it. It is a very selfish and conceited reasoning... But alas, it's how I feel...
And the same principle sadly applies to writing... I feel like I am writing for no reason at all. That's why I haven't done any as of late.
And I know what you might be thinking. "What if I become a successful author?" Well... it's a risk. A chance. I don't like what isn't certain; it's why my decision making skills are so god awful. Doubt only clutters my mind even more, and makes me want to do even less than before!
I've done a couple trades with writing, and I have finished those projects because, hey! I get something out of doing so! It puts pressure, motivation, and reason into me for pouring effort in a few thousand words! It makes me WANT to do it! On top of that, the client in question gives me an idea of what to write! It's a win-win; both my problems are solved..!
I honestly wish I do not have this unproductive and stupid mentality. I want to change that. I cannot STAND how little I do around here and no matter how many times I said I want that to change, I never do! And I have had enough of that! But I must ask... How could I change that? Writing requests? Nah... That would only change one problem. Hm...
This is an interesting conundrum.. and one I hope to solve.
Thank you all for being so patient with me. And sticking by me. Hopefully someday I will find my reasons to finish these projects I have started, and actually make a name for myself. Do something. Achieve something. Make my existence worthwhile. That's what I strive for. Or at least... try to...
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6 years, 6 months ago
15 Oct 2017 10:45 CEST
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