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I guess long and short is: My flames burned out ages ago. Back when I was 13, with a church out in West L.A., I recall the pre-teen leader saying I had “A flame that lit everyone else up”. At that time I was very outgoing, very charismatic, very much a people person even if my peers at times resented me for connecting with adults a lot and wasn’t quite one to welcome their heckling.

…That was back in 2000. Back when my mother was still in a good spot pushing out her script to become a film, where while wer were living off of food stamps and Section 8 for rent, we could still go out and -do- things without a lot of stress. Back when I could scooter around from my home all the way to Santa Monica because I didn’t have 50 cents to ride the bus and be fine.

…Two years after that, the cchurch fell apart, my mother got into a deal that ccosted us everything and then some, we were fored to move towards Chicago as my Grandmother was the only person willing to support us in that time of need.

Living in Chicago was, and always has been terrible since. I got mugged a few times just half a block away from home just because I was an ‘easy target’ for everyone else. I couldn’t get back into the systems I had in Californa, meaning I couldn’t take Riddlin for my ADHD anymore, nor could I get check ups and the like given no medicade. I couldn’t dare leave the front door unless I knew I had busfair to get around.

If not for the internet becoming what it was around that time, I chances are would have been destroyed right there and then :’D But, I held on, I dug into the ryona groups to pervert all this stress in ways to become an outlet and to bare with the day-in-and-out struggles my mother and I was having with trying to adapt. She coudln’t score a job, so she eventuraly went back to script writing once Section 8 cleared us for the state move and we could get our own place.

I tried to go to college, to escape Chicago and to make something of my own. Sadly 2007 happened doing that time, and my co-signer at the time died in turn.

So…I was forced to drop out, with the school unwilling to give me my credits till I payed up what I owed, with Sallie Mae now over my back in turn. Even if I got a job, I wouldn’t have any money of my own. I still tried though, but dropping out of college with nothing to show is a worse action then dropping out of highschool. No one wanted to hire me, and online jobs that where just mindless clicking and posting tasks for a few cents per thing done where not listable job experances.

I’m been struggling since then just to live. To make -something- for myself, but 10 years ongoing and I’m still no better off then I already was. I still have to pretty much beg for cash, if I get anything, it’s ether a hand-me-down or a gift from someone else, never from my own pocket. On top of all of that, the help I should be getting, I can’t. Seeing someone for my mental issues is too expensive. Getting a check up is too expensive. I’ve got shattered teeth that no matter what I do are rotting away. I’ve got a libido that doesn’t have a 'down’ moment. My feet as well have started to develop some really odd sensations and numbness as well. Though I can’t do anything about it unless I was on the verge of death, and only then would a hospital be willing to toss me under debit harder then I was before.

…it is a wonder how I still stand. How I can still have anything akin towards a 'flame’ after all of this. My mother can’t get her veteran benefits because of how she got discharged to hide the fact that one of her higher up’s felt like 'using’ her and even with the changes to the ruling, she still hasn’t been able to budge on that. My brother is mentaly disabled to the point where someone will always have to watch and take care of him, and he’ll be 27 physically, but 13 mentally.

This is my life, this will chances are ccontinue to be my life, and with how the world’s going, it’ll only be worse. Food stamps are being cut back more and more, my brother’s disability check is our only real income to speak of and that’s starting to be cut back, Section 8′s cutting back…You can only cut at a thread for so long till there’s nothing left.
Viewed: 68 times
Added: 2 years ago
1 year, 11 months ago
Nyeee~ *hugs teh shiny*
1 year, 11 months ago
Very sad to read of your suffering. You do not deserve this.

Your feet may be telling you to check for pre-diabetes.
Your libido is telling you to find a lover.

Let us know how things are going for you.  Tugging at our heartstrings offers us perspective, and perhaps someone will read your writing and be in a position to help.
1 year, 11 months ago
Sadly I can't really do much for ether. Getting a doctor's check up is...utterly expensive. I'm also not 'steady' enough for any one person to calm down and wrangle for them alone. I'll try to be more chatty though, I just don't like sharing things when it feels like there's really nothing that can be done about what's being shared.
1 year ago
Just found this journal, and wish I could help.
1 year ago
Since this jornal I've been pushing my game development ends a lot more stronger, and my patreon's been given more then enough support so I can keep things afloat, and even at times -treat- myself towards a few kink here and there! (the stuff from nori being part of that!) But yeah, I haven't -replaced- this journal ether as I feel it gives a good perspective of who I am and what I've had to deal with that's shaped me into the person I am today.
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