Well, today in the tub, there was lots and lots of drama. I've been kinda 'blah' all day because a certain huge husky... what the hell, his name is Ryker... Anyway, it's been a year that I've joined The Tub and this Ryker fellow and I weren't all that great of friends at first. He called me a fag, I got offended. Blah, blah, blah, whatever. He didn't really like that I made a big deal about it. Well, I would see him more and more, and as time went on, our RPs would get much more affectionate. Now, he and I have never actually typefucked before. We've tried maybe three times, but I've always been happy just talking to him, cuddlin' with him, and telling him that I loved him. Well, it did get to that point of me loving him... falling in love with him, actually. At one point, it was mutual, but unfortunately for us both (more for me), he had and still does have a boyfriend. Meh... Anyway, at first I accepted it and we were amazing together. I was kinda obsessive toward him, but he didn't seem to mind. He'd always greet me with the intentions of making me happy and he did. Well, about May or March, things kinda fell apart. I just couldn't take that he had a boyfriend anymore. We had our first fight then. For months, we hadn't even fought once. Not ONCE, but because I stupidly told him I wanted him to be with me and not his boyfriend, he got upset and well, that was when our relationship kinda fell. Now, our friendship was never so bad that I felt like he didn't still love and care about me, but now, well, I'm really hurt. So, anyway, he and I have been through a lot and right now, he doesn't really want to have much to do with me anymore. For a few weeks, he's been kinda avoidin' me. He won't say hi, I'd have to say hi to him, and any affection I try and show, he kinda just goes with it, like he doesn't want it. Well, today it all unraveled. There's this chick named Mocha. I'm kinda indifferent about her. We used to get along, but now she's kinda mean. I'm not the type of person to whine and complain about someone being mean to me, but it's kinda disappointing. Anyway, just recently, I've seen her all up on him, whenever he comes in and she's there. It's kinda annoying. She does exactly what I used to do, and well, because I miss is to so much, it really upset me that he enjoys that she does it and not me. Well, he and her went off to a private room together. Man, was I upset, and well, I confronted him about it in a not so passive way. So, he says we need to talk and he explains to me that he doesn't want to be affectionate anymore. He fell in love with me before, and he doesn't want to do so again. Of course, I think that's very selfish and well, I'm hurt by it. He claims it's not my fault that he doesn't want this, but if I'm so great that he could fall in love with me and cause a rift in his relationship with his boyfriend, why would he stop being affectionate with me, anyway? So, we talk and I'm really upset at this point. I'm not gonna lie, I was actually crying because I love him so much. I've already accepted that he and I can't be together, yet, he goes and does this. He's always been my favorite person in The Tub and even people who I barely even know will be the first to say that we've had a history if they were to talk about us. He's always told me that I was special to him, but well, if I was so special, why would he be doing this? Well, after we discussed it, I still wanted to talk, but he left before we could, so like an idiot, I went out into the pouring rain, just to get some privacy to try and call him. I spent 45 minutes outside. I called him three times. Not once did he pick up. I even sent a voice mail. I dunno... This guy is definately my favorite person ever. No one could ever come before him and all I am to him is an inhibitor in his relationship with his boyfriend.
Anyway, I guess that was my first journal entry about the tub. I wish I coulda started this last year, about this time, so instead of complaining about Ryker, I could state how much I like him, and how great I feel that we're getting to know eachother. Well, whatever. I'll keep trying to get him to see that I'm more than just the guy who 'would break him and his boyfriend up if I could' (so says him). I'm just gonna feel horrible about trying my best to get him to see it my way... I fuckin' hate upsetting him and causing drama. When it comes to him, I wanna be perfect...
