... you find out that a guy who collaborated with people who were out to destroy you is hanging out with your friends regularly?
What do you say when you learn that he still finds you to be the absolute piece of shit he considered you as long ago?
How do you act when your friend finds him to be such a cool guy that he accommodates him by leaving you out of those fun events you used to enjoy?
How are you supposed to feel when your world turns on you for an undisclosed reason, and you have no proof that this person had anything to do with it beyond minor clues with coincidental wordings from those days when those people wanted to destroy you?
How do you cope with the feeling of isolation while being separated from events hosted or participated in by this accommodating friend?
How do you shrug the depression of knowing that you, and only you, are dramatically affected by the hole of affection and the lack of connection, while all of your friends still have complete contact, get invitations, and enjoy the company of a friend who no longer even thinks of you anymore?
What do you do when it feels like the only way to get something done is to stand up and shout, make noise, cause drama, demand attention, or else be completely forgotten?
What form of punishment is this that I suffer? Is it due punishment for what I've done...?
What have I done...?
Where do I go...?
What should I do...?
There is no way out of this hole of sorrow and confusion, so it swallows me in anger and rage.
How dare I be punished this way? What is a friend if I cannot go to him? Who am I, now that my logic of "my friendships define me" go to waste? Why does this bother me so...?
I haven't had nightmares in over 10 years... why do they return now?
Why are there so many questions, but no answers...?
6 years, 7 months ago
23 Dec 2011 20:40 CET