Although I won't lie, that's never a good thing to me. I guess it hasn't been in the last forever. I guess it is rather typical though, for the holiday seasons to get people down. In truth, I'm just another one.
I dunno what it is. Maybe its how cheerful my own lover is during these days. Maybe its because now its near the Jewish Holidays and I think of Nakkun a lot during then. (For those of you that don't know, Nakkun Eddou was a dear, dear friend of mine who was unfortunately taken from me last March by his mother. May he rest in peace). Maybe it's because Christmas has truly lost its meaning to me due to well, how crappy most of my Christmases have been over the years.
Whatever it is, it truly has been wearing down on me lately. It's been bringing up a LOT of thoughts and questions about myself and even those themselves are really bogging me down.
I do often question to myself how far my existence reaches with people. Like...how much do I actually exist to my friends. How often am I remembered and how easily am I forgotten? Things like that have been plaguing my mind. But of course its even more than that. I know that I've been in my shell like, since last year despite my numerous journals saying I was 'better'. In truth, I was better but it always something coming along that messes with me further and can end up making me unhappy once again. I mean, oftentimes, I'm not unhappy. I've become a lot better than I was before but...I have so many little stints that put me back into a depressed state, the same one that I was in before.
One thing that's getting to me the most, however, is how I just can't seem to do what I have been trying to do. Ever since I went into that stupid time where I just...vanished for a while...I have lost a lot of friends. Lost my ability to be as happy and social with people. But of course, because of this, it's been making it THAT much harder for me to return. People still giving me shit over my time away and the fact I haven't been here as much as made it that much harder. Not to mention, me desperately wanting to re-gain the friendships back that I've lost and even moreso, trying to make new ones.
Unfortunately that hasn't been working out either. I dunno if its me or them but, when I want to talk to people, they just reply with such little interest and care, it's like, the things hat I say really don't matter, and that I'm wasting both my time and theirs when I do want to try and talk. I have essentially lost my ability to make new friends or even rekindle old friendships. It's really been tweaking at the back of my head.
In truth, part of me does feel like, and although it's an excruciatingly painfully slow process, I'm simply fading away. That year I spent depressed probably hurt me a lot worse than I knew and I'm probably dealing with the effects coming up.
What's this gotta do with the holidays? I dunno. But they probably do have a strong connection. I have always had these feelings since last year. But...they just seem so much stronger now. Probably because part of me longs to know that I still have those that I lost even remotely think about me...
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with those I have...but...when you're missing so much and so many, your heart longs for those back as well.
I know that commissions really DO help. And a lot of you probably do disagree. But...sadly its true. Artists can click easier with other artists because they're artists. Artist click better with those that buy them commissions out of appreciation or love because they're getting stuff. Sadly, I can't really be much of either because I'm not that talented, and I'm broke. But I'm not TRYING to buy friends, either. It's that...I hate not being able to do much for people. That's been one thing that's always burned my heart.
It's been causing so much painful jealousy lately, so yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and confess, when I see people happily doing things for each other all the time, getting things for each other or even really just spending time on line with each other, and I know that I try to and simply not able to, none of that just...works out. Geez...I hate the holidays, they really do always seem to bring out the worst in me. Makes it a LOT harder to suppress this crap.
7 years ago
23 Nov 2011 04:12 CET