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Well...Tis the season I guess.

Although I won't lie, that's never a good thing to me. I guess it hasn't been in the last forever. I guess it is rather typical though, for the holiday seasons to get people down. In truth, I'm just another one.

I dunno what it is. Maybe its how cheerful my own lover is during these days. Maybe its because now its near the Jewish Holidays and I think of Nakkun a lot during then. (For those of you that don't know, Nakkun Eddou was a dear, dear friend of mine who was unfortunately taken from me last March by his mother. May he rest in peace).  Maybe it's because Christmas has truly lost its meaning to me due to well, how crappy most of my Christmases have been over the years.

Whatever it is, it truly has been wearing down on me lately. It's been bringing up a LOT of thoughts and questions about myself and even those themselves are really bogging me down.

I do often question to myself how far my existence reaches with people. Like...how much do I actually exist to my friends. How often am I remembered and how easily am I forgotten? Things like that have been plaguing my mind. But of course its even more than that. I know that I've been in my shell like, since last year despite my numerous journals saying I was 'better'. In truth, I was better but it always something coming along that messes with me further and can end up making me unhappy once again. I mean, oftentimes, I'm not unhappy. I've become a lot better than I was before but...I have so many little stints that put me back into a depressed state, the same one that I was in before.

One thing that's getting to me the most, however, is how I just can't seem to do what I have been trying to do. Ever since I went into that stupid time where I just...vanished for a while...I have lost a lot of friends. Lost my ability to be as happy and social with people. But of course, because of this, it's been making it THAT much harder for me to return. People still giving me shit over my time away and the fact I haven't been here as much as made it that much harder. Not to mention, me desperately wanting to re-gain the friendships back that I've lost and even moreso, trying to make new ones.

Unfortunately that hasn't been working out either. I dunno if its me or them but, when I want to talk to people, they just reply with such little interest and care, it's like, the things hat I say really don't matter, and that I'm wasting both my time and theirs when I do want to try and talk. I have essentially lost my ability to make new friends or even rekindle old friendships. It's really been tweaking at the back of my head.

In truth, part of me does feel like, and although it's an excruciatingly painfully slow process, I'm simply fading away. That year I spent depressed probably hurt me a lot worse than I knew and I'm probably dealing with the effects coming up.

What's this gotta do with the holidays? I dunno. But they probably do have a strong connection. I have always had these feelings since last year. But...they just seem so much stronger now. Probably because part of me longs to know that I still have those that I lost even remotely think about me...

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with those I have...but...when you're missing so much and so many, your heart longs for those back as well.

I know that commissions really DO help. And a lot of you probably do disagree. But...sadly its true. Artists can click easier with other artists because they're artists. Artist click better with those that buy them commissions out of appreciation or love because they're getting stuff. Sadly, I can't really be much of either because I'm not that talented, and I'm broke. But I'm not TRYING to buy friends, either. It's that...I hate not being able to do much for people. That's been one thing that's always burned my heart.

It's been causing so much painful jealousy lately, so yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and confess, when I see people happily doing things for each other all the time, getting things for each other or even really just spending time on line with each other, and I know that I try to and simply not able to, none of that just...works out. Geez...I hate the holidays, they really do always seem to bring out the worst in me. Makes it a LOT harder to suppress this crap.
Viewed: 41 times
Added: 7 years, 4 months ago
7 years, 4 months ago
Mavy... :( I dunno what to say. Your pet's gonna do his best to make your holidays better from here on in.

(Also - first to post in one of your journals, FINALLY!)
7 years, 4 months ago
*hugs you tightly*

This weight on your heart is heavy. I can relate to what you have been feeling, I've been through some heavy depression myself. The holiday seasons use to make me very miserable, particularly Christmas and Valentine's Day. When I was single Valentine's Day was doubly worse because of a lack of a love life and it's my birthday. What can make this time of year worse for those that get depressed are the commercials, the expectations of others to be happy, to get in the holiday spirit, etc.

What has freed me from the holidays is that I don't bother with them. If others want to than I'm fine with that.

I'm not an artist but a few of my net friends are and I get along great with them and they get along great with me. If it wasn't meeting and making friends with Boskyfoxy in Ygallery, I would still not know about this website nor be a member of it.

I also know what it's like to want certain doors that have closed behind oneself to be re-opened. I have been there, I've banged on those doors, I've cried at those doors, but 99.99% of the time they stayed closed. The only recourse is to walk through a door that is open. When you do that you sometimes will meet someone new, that person may very well click with you.

What helps two people to click well is having the right similarities. They don't have to be artists to click well. I'm sure for an artist that can be the icing on the cake. Same as for a metalhead like myself another person being into metal can be the icing on the cake.

I'm sure you aren't trying to buy friendship by selling your art. What artist is? The artwork selling well is a way of knowing that there is a fan base out there.

Want to help others? You desire a good thing, glad to have you aboard the S.S. Helping Others. Desiring to help is a step in the right direction. One of things I was told by my first net friend about being a help to others is: "Before you can help another person, they have to want to be helped"  If all you can do is only help someone in a small way, that still counts as helping someone. From the smallest acorn can come the biggest tree.


7 years, 4 months ago
*hugs tight and snugs*your always be my friend/big brother and you'll always find an adorable and loving little kitten brother here to give you lots of love and cuddles
7 years, 4 months ago
-hugs tight- i`ll try my best to cheer you up during christmas.. big brother
7 years, 4 months ago
Considering everything you've been going through, nobody has the right to give you shit for taking a little break.

As for how often you're forgotten... we all are, from time to time. People take others for granted, whether they're friends, family or just others in the background they're comfortable with having around. But I can tell you for a fact that there are at least a few people out there that you matter to, a lot, and really, that's all anybody has. You can have a million friends on Facebook and ten thousand "watchers" on some furry website, but they're just the grains of sand amongst which the true gems, your real friends, are hidden.

Forgive me waxing poetic there, but it's true. ;3

You don't need to buy friends either, mate. You're a good person, and that's the way to make real friends. If you ever see me on MSN/Steam/whatever, feel free to give me a yell. You're not going to waste my bloody time - I have so much of it to spare. I know the feeling when it comes to commissions and such too; it would be nice to nab a few commissions to get my name heard about the place, but it would also be nice to have a toilet made of solid gold, but that's just not in the cards now, is it? :D

On a serious note, if you feel your depression is still causing you trouble, you need to sit down and decide if you need to target it. You can't let it keep eating at you. I don't know what sort of amenities you have available there (most people I know that are my age have free access to a counselor/psychiatrist - though they often aren't aware of that) but looking over your journals, it's concerning. Like I said, maybe you don't have access to anything like that, but... just saying - and forgive me if this sounds condescending, I'm not trying to be - this looks serious.

As for Christmas and the holiday season...
I'm an atheist and an adult (supposedly) but I love Christmas. Even if you spend the day alone, or get no presents, try to remember: this is the day that millions have looked forward to all year. It's a happy time. There's going to be children ripping open presents, and for just one or two days, people are going to make a conscious effort to not be dicks to one another. There's always one reason to look forward to Christmas, even if it's only to reaffirm your faith in people and the good in their hearts, because it is there, no matter what bullshit "bad news" the media spews at you all year, or that one dickhead who annoyed you on Christmas eve. If you stop viewing the world through the depressing lens of the news-media and your own difficulties, it becomes obvious.

You said it yourself. You want to help others.
Cheesy? Yeah, well, I'm like that. *puts on shades* Deal wit it.
I say, get into it. There should be community functions on Christmas eve. Go sing a few carols. Help with the decorations, either at home or in the neighborhood if you can. Please, please tell me you have a tree and you decorate it. :3
I used to "not care" about holidays and such, but recently that's just struck me as the wrong attitude - a poisonous apathy that tells you that no day is any more special than the last. Shit, now I wish every day was Christmas (love and tolerance for everyone? Why can't we have that every day of the year, eh?) but take what you can, I say.

And I'm sorry I rarely comment on your journals and such. But this time I felt I had to (I've put off searching for another job to type this long-winded, cheddar-flavored journal comment >:3). I hope I helped a little, even if you just snickered at my puerile attempts to be uplifting and inspiring.

That's alright though. Former class clown here, I'm used to it.
7 years, 4 months ago
I don't know much about other friends, but I know I'm here for you, whether or not your remember this particular friend, if you ever need someone to talk to hun, feel free to hit me up. Anyways I hope your holidays improve .~hugs tight~
7 years, 4 months ago
Have you ever heard of SADS?  Seasonally Acquired Depression Syndrome is when you become clinically depressed in the winter due to lack of vitamin D (your skin produces it when the sun is right).  I know you have reasons to feel sad and depressed, but whether you have SADS or not, the winter is a time when everybody's body slows down and people often feel like they are "fading away".  Both happen to me a lot, and the only way to fight it is to take a daily multivitamin and remind yourself that your body is just confused right now, it's not the end of the world.
7 years, 4 months ago
I hope things get better for you, Mavy. [hugs] You don't need to buy me any gifts to be friends. =3 I just hope to see you online more often soon. [nuz]
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