Yes, as my 24th birthday is underway, I just want to take a few minutes of your time to say something. Birthdays are very special days, where you are acknowledged of the day of your existence, how much they care about you, and wish to celebrate your miracle birth. You receive family time, presents, nude pictures (flattering if I may say so), and most importantly... love. Now I know all of you are saying that this is kinda cheesy for me to say, especially on a birthday. But... something about this 24th birthday feels so... unique. As there are 24 hours per day, I have cherished from the bad and good of each hour and year that has been given me to make me become who I really am today. So... even though I haven't received any physical gifts (drawings, candy, clothing, nicknacks, ect;), even though a special someone hasn't snatched my heart or I have snatched theirs, and even though I may have a casual birthday with no real party or whatsoever (going out to eat with my family is probably what I'll get.)... I still received what could possibly be the best birthday gift of my entire life.
All of you guys.
From the bottom of my heart, I want to give my deepest gratitude to all of you, from the smallest acquaintances to the greatest and wonderful friends I have... thank you. Thank you so much for not only acknowledging my existence, have the decency of wishing me a happy birthday, and may/may not give me any wonderful gifts... but to grant me the permission of actually associating with you all. You have no idea how much you've changed me in the past few years... I am actually tearing up as I type this. Back then I was a nobody... not even worth talking to or remembering. I want to tell you all a bit of myself; of who I truly am.
I've had a lonely and harsh childhood... a very bad one indeed. There were good moments but... due to my problem of autism... I was suffering inside all those years without fully expressing my true feelings to my parents or my few friends. I've felt like an outcast since I acted too childish and naive, refusing to let maturity get to me and make me to some dead adult, meaning that you get a boring job, drive home, sleep, wake up, drink coffee, go back to work and rinse and repeat with no sense of childlike joys. I was afraid of loosing my childhood essence since it kept me from committing suicide. I've been through depressions more times than I could even count... and there were times that I attempted to end my life... one of them I almost succeeded... thus resulting a wrist stitch. But... during my solitude times in junior high and high school, where I rarely hung out with my friends since their interests are different than mine... and they would be interested in what I have. Plus, I wasn't good at talking to them... I just end up either embarrassing myself, make them feel horrible without me knowing what I just said, and just being brushed off like I wasn't important.
I did had help but it wasn't the proper help I truly needed. All they were trying to do was find out what's making me sick, not trying to make me feel better. I've grew up a lot despite my loathe of being an adult since I always wanted to stay as a child. And from those excruciating and incomprehensible pain and loneliness I'm very much more aware now than I was back then. Even to this day I'm still gaining more awareness and enlightenment until my view of humanity will be like of a Guru or Sage or whatever. I know that sounds silly but my mind of metaphysical thoughts and philosophies are growing in proportions I could not had imagined. So of course this self-loathing will keep coming after me... perhaps for the rest of my life. However; I am strong enough to not do something so selfish as to end my life or even harm myself... just my mind. I don't want an easy life... just a more adaptable and smoother life that can give me the strength to endure one. I don't want to live a life that of a normal child.
Yes... back then I had self-loathing issues... probably still have some even to this day. It's just that it's a constant thing I had to go through with ever since Junior High School... when I was 14. I did had bullies... but they weren't my concern at all. What got me down the most was my outcast view, my subhuman personality and naive behavior because I couldn't communicate properly like a human being.
Through all that loneliness, pain and suffering all those years... even when I felt like I wasn't important enough to them or felt necessary to a lover... I began to mature... not in the way I imagined it to be but... I became more compassionate and wiser..
I really do enjoy being with the friends I earned over the years... I truly do. However since that I have no sense in killing myself... or any reason not to, I'm perfectly fine. I just... sometimes uncork the bottle and pour them out sometimes... and sharing a glass to a friend who loves me and cares for me... like my friends and my family. But I haven't got the chance to hang out with real life friends for 6 years... not since we all graduated high school and now everyone is out there doing whatever they want. One of my childhood friends died from choking on candy while sleeping. Plus, my other friends are either in the army or in the military force... and the others are just out there in the world.
I am confident in myself... but what worries me the most is trying to find a home, cover bills, getting a car for myself and not living with my parents. I'm 24 and holy crap I'm still in the pre-reps for college. I don't know how to drive (will eventually) and I have no apartment. What worries me the most is being a burden to my lover... and I don't want to be one. But the outside world really does scare me since I'm afraid of screwing things up like getting fired, doesn't pay taxes in time, get pulled over... ugh... I'm still a bird that never left its nest. So overall... my childhood didn't go the way my parents would had wanted it... but at least now I'm at the point where my autism won't affect me anymore... maybe a tiny bit but still. However do not fret, I am getting stronger and braver as the days progress thanks to you all. So that's what I am.
Anyways, as a reminder; the greatest gift ever is having you all. I am strong and wiser as it is, though if you don't know what I've been through then you may never understand me even in the future. It's always a good thing to tell what shapes you and makes you so special by telling what your past is like. I have many good friends here (mostly bisexual or gay males), but they know how I feel and they love me for being me. And what really helps me a lot is the chance for all of you... my followers/watchers/subscribers and my friends to actually spend the time to read what I have to say and come to an understanding term with me. Plus you all give me the courage, power and wisdom (Triforce reference lel) to overcome my obstacles and challenges I deal with every day. All I needed was attention and to be loved back genuinely. Something that I rarely get from anyone else (other than my loving and supporting parents) for many years. So thank you all... so much for being the best birthday presents ever... and possibly for the rest of my life. Have a wonderful day guys and thanks for the birthday acknowledgement.
