I know I said I wouldn't write any angry stuff anymore...well, that I would at least try to limit it, but I think I need to write at this moment so it's out and done.
I have had enough of insecurity. Yes, I know at least one person will read that in Kirk's voice. I've had enough of it from myself and have more than had enough of it from my friends on Steam and wherever. I've been too insecure in my decisions as of late and have been making mistakes. Letting things pile up. Definitely not being as confident as I can be. That, I can deal with.
What I'm fed up with dealing with are the people who call me their friends, then proceed to quench their own insecurities by dominating me. Not in a sexual sense, but in anything we do together. Yes, I have sub/dom relationships. Yes, I enjoy the Master/Pet thing. No, I don't want it all the time.
Yes, I enjoy having my friends along when I raidlead in WoW. No, I don't enjoy said friends trying to either second-guess my decisions OR constantly interrupt me to derail the conversation into topics as marginally on course as what totems to use (something that can be discussed in private) or not even remotely related such as what anime everyone likes.
No. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of being a doormat. I'm tired of everyone telling ME I *need* to be nice to them. That I need to bend over backwards for their benefit. That I need to let them hurt, use, and abuse me so that they won't feel insecure with themselves. I get used and then tossed aside.
And I let them do it. I can't stop myself. God or Satan or Spaghetti help me, I can't stop myself from letting them. I try and try, but it's such a strain against my very nature, how I was raised. My pedigree. My grandmother did this a lot by putting others needs before her own...and it likely killed her. No, I'm not kidding. My grandmother died of massive internal liver failure that she was in constant pain for, but wouldn't see a doctor about because it would inconvenience others. My mother does this kind of thing too, though I have made her swear to get help or I will fly back to my hometown and drag her there, kicking and screaming.
Thing is, I want to stop it. But I need others' help. Alfie has been helping where he can, but the WoW thing is almost beyond his or my control. Trust me, I tried.
Right now, I'm okay. Talking to my mother tonight helped me understand what I should be doing in the long run and, surprisingly enough, was the first time she'd actually discussed gaming with me if in a weird, parallel way. I have friends on Steam/MSN who are good to me, who treat me okay and don't wash me with their problems or try to make me their security blanket. But I just...
I'm going to go to bed. Feel free to talk about this, comment if you like. But I said it was just a journal to write my head clear on.
7 years, 7 months ago
19 Jul 2011 11:28 CEST