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I really hate making these journals. -[Rant]-

But I really have to get this out of my system. Stuff has been getting really old, really tiring, really painful, really fast and it's just seriously driving me crazy.

I don't have the time or the energy to be the problem silver/mediator I used to be. I just simply don't have the emotional capacity for it anymore. I need stuff to be simple. Simple and stress free. I love you all, and hate seeing you guys dealing with issues, nonsense, and crap, but for the time being, there's really nothing I can do about it. I could try to help, but it'll just leave me emotionally drained an exhausted, and really, I just don't need that right now. I'll do what I can, but don't expect quality results, if I actually intend on jumping into anything at all.

I also hate this stupid raging jealousy that's boiling up inside me. I'm sitting back here and I see all these people going off to Anthrocon. I see my girlfriend is moving out this way to go to LeCordon Bleu. Which is all nice and stuff, but, it's killing me that, I get to see everyone going out, moving forward, advancing their lives or just in general getting to have plenty of fun. It's killing me that I'm being shipped off, majorly begrudgingly, to Job Corps, where, I will, in fact, not have my laptop there. Meaning I'll be stuck on simple emails and whatever. I hate that it pains me so to get to see everybody else getting to enjoy life so much, when it was my own simple creed that I can't live by. It's just maddening. And just so you know, my creed is simply "Live life and enjoy it."

Speaking of emails and such. Look people. I'm sorry. A spam bot got into my MSN. There's nothing I can do about it. I've virus scanned with AVG and still not picking it up. I don't know what to do here so I've let you guys know to find me on my other email. Hit me up there, not on my original MSN. Want my new one, its in my previous journal.

To everyone who thinks I've "abandoned" them for any reason. I have not. I'm tired of people assuming this and that about me without -actually- consulting me first. All of you guys know that my computer is, in fact, a piece of crap. It's problematic, thus, it's been making it hard as crap for me to get in contact with people. And I dunno how many times I've had to make this argument. Communication is a two way street. Stop blaming me for lack of contact when you haven't spent the time of day to send ME an email, shoot me a note, a private message. Something. I'm sick of having to be responsible for everything. I have too much crap on my plate as it is. Losing friends is NOT making anything easier on me, and we all know I need some form of ease.

As for the Job Corps thing. That's not going the way I want it to so far, either. I don't know why my life feels the need to make things as convoluted, complicated, and as frustrating as it needs to be out of simple crap. I had to call the Job Corps center to try to ensure when I needed to get to where I needed to go and when, I find out that the date and time didn't line up on the paper, to what they said on the answering machine. So. I manage to finally get my uncle out here, even though I've let him know 3 times in advance, to get here and get me there by 1:30pm. He arrives...at 1:30, and because he's too stubborn to listen, refused to believe that his car clock was 15 minutes behind. And they said they were taking no late applicants. But that wasn't enough for me either. I get to where they said they'd be, ask the info desk where inside the college it would be. She was confused, made a call, and referred me to the -other- school a few minutes away. I arrive, and THEY don't know what i'm talking about. So I stood there for 15 minutes while the guy made calls to figure it out, and I got all the exact same info I gathered before I left, only I found out that it was at 11am instead.

...Now I have to wait til the 2nd Wednesday, or 3rd Tuesday of next month before I get to my orientation. Only good news, you guys are stuck with me for another month.

All in all...I'm REALLY tired of crap right now. I wish I could get at least some kind of break in life, sadly, I'm not allowed those. I've probably missed a few things in this rant, but whatever. Thanks for reading if you did. Good night.

Edit: I remember that last tidbit.

I'm always the luckiest guy I knew. Of course, lucky doesn't always have to mean good luck, either. I got a phone call that I won a grand prize in a drawing. Part of me was happy and excited, the other, was still, just mildly happy about it. I heard the prizes so I perked up a bit and lowered my guard. 5 day, 4 night trip to the Bahamas, A 2011 Ford Explorer, 2500 dollars in cash, or a 27 inch HDTV. I could choose one, and I'd have easily gone for the 2500 bucks. Then he started reading off some stuff, which was really fun since the guy was probably reading off of a paper (You could tell because he actually enunciated the E in Clayborne) with a super thick Indian accent. So once I managed to mentally translate him, I realize I failed on 2 qualifications. 27-68 years old, and must be living with spouse. Guess which ones I don't qualify for. There goes life dangling a bone right in front of me, then yanked it away the moment I had a chance to have a reason to celebrate. Yay.
Viewed: 53 times
Added: 7 years, 7 months ago
7 years, 7 months ago
I'm sorry all these things are happening to ya Mav and I know you will find your path in life and you will soon be able to enjoy life even more. Hey I will always be your friend, and if people are just too impatient to see that not everyone can be on the internet 24/7 or even just a small fraction a day are just ignorant. I wish you luck on your next orientation and that huge prize you almost won really bites that they did all taht to just take it away like that.  Well hope I can cheer you up even more later but for now all I have is the hot hot hot hot hot video. =p
7 years, 7 months ago
You are having the same realization that I did a while back. I used to be like you, in the sense that I tried to help everyone as best as I could. I finally realized, whether it be from the fact that some people were just ungrateful or that I couldn't handle solving everyone's problems, that I couldn't take it anymore, and stopped trying to be that guy, and only focused my energy on people I actually cared about.

And as far as those people who think you've 'abandoned' them, I really dislike those types of people. The kind that act like it's your fault that they are codependent on you and you don't return that feeling 100%. Sometimes stuff gets in the way y'know? I have never blamed a person for losing contact with me, it happens. It's unfortunate; but it happens, and it is always a pleasant surprise to reconnect with someone you haven't talked with in a while.
7 years, 7 months ago
You know, Mavy...

If I could, I would come up there and take you away from it all. Just get you out of your bitch-life, away from your bitch-family, and the evils of Job Corps. ESPECIALLY since I wouldn't be able to actually TALK to you.

It just burns me up inside with an undescribable rage that my BFF is going through bullshit like this, and that I may not get to have a decent chat with you for a long time. Why can't your stupid mother just leave your life ALONE and let you live life the way YOU want to? She doesn't appreciate you or anything, and I don't think your sister does either!

I wish we could just find you a good place to live, and get you the fuck out of there. People like them don't deserve you. They don't deserve your company. They're not good people at ALL. Mistreatment over the years, I'm surprised you've not already said something... And I really, REALLY wish you could. After all, your mother is trying to steer you down a road of life you don't WANT to go on. I'm even surprised you consider her your mother... Because a mother should not do that at all.

Honestly, I don't think she has any consideration for you. Any FEELINGS for you. From what you've told me about your past birthdays and Christmases, she's only got you around the house as a personal servant, and a potential money-maker. She also rubs me the wrong way as a sexist bitch who thinks women are superior, when all genders should be accepted the same.

So take it from me, a guy who's almost exactly like you in every way...

Things will get better once life becomes it's worst.

You always have me here for you. And I love you. Okay?
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