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Things have officially gone from bad to "holy crap how did this happen"

The good:
I found my glasses
I'm stabilized on my medication (finally!) and it only costs $8 here at the Suite Center
I'm applying for jobs
I'm gradually drawing privately on my laptop until I feel bold enough to stream for you all again. Art is deeply personal for me and it's hard to move on but I'm starting to get over things.
I can still walk a couple miles but the Florida heat is harsh and takes its toll on me so I can't get very far on foot.
I have a new kitty named Oreo that followed my sister home who cheers me up on even the bleakest day.

The bad:
My mother stole $500 out of my purse and hid it, likely to buy more booze and cigarettes
My bank account is closed and with it, the ability to reactivate my paypal after it was hacked and frozen so I can't even accept your donations even if I WANTED to
She is frequently drunk and rarely awake and sober enough to be a parent
I'm having to mother/guardian my own little sister since she's not coherent enough to and I feel bad because Kaitlyn's grades are slipping due to the home trauma and she's missing homework and misbehaving in school
I don't actually have enough to really ride the bus to work right now... but I'm still applying for jobs anyway...
My mother's car is broken.
The toilets are broken.
The dishwasher is broken.
We live in total squalor.

The ugly:
I don't dare involve police, Department of Children and Families directly or anything else for fear of being baker acted myself again on flimsy reasons or leaving both me and Kaitlyn homeless.
No, living with Gami and Das is not an option right now.
I often miss doctor's appointments I HAVE to show up too because we can't afford the gas or I oversleep it due to my medications.
I still don't have a working cell phone with service because my mother is using my Lifeline phone falsely even though it's MY name!!

Elliott Belser of Bliss Stage was right: I went out of the frying pan and into the fire.

And for god's sake don't blame

GamiCross

for this because none of this is his fault remotely and he was one of the few to try to help.

This is the worst situation I've dealt with recently, in fact, this isn't even a "begging for help" journal this is a "I'm so fucking disgusted with the system right now I don't know what to DO journal"

Please, spare me any pity or sympathy: it's useless and I don't want it. There's nothing that can help me right now short of a rescue by someone able to financially support me and ... fuck that, I refuse to be a burden like that and ruin them again. No way! Maybe someone with a van or a pickup truck could help me move my stuff but right now I'm LITERALLY penniless and out of hope and unless that person can take me to a place where I can recover for 2-3 months without abuse.....well......

I have no idea what sort of note to conclude on here. Things are so SO dark for me. Halloween comes soon and I have a few job leads... sort of ... I hope 2014 is brighter for me by far.

Viewed:	647 times
Added:	11 years, 2 months ago 17 Oct 2013 20:02 CEST

15 Comments on this Journal

Leave a Comment...

MoQ

11 years, 2 months ago

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If you find a place, I can definitely help ya move. Heck, if you're interested, I can probably let ya room at my place until my girlfriend moves in with me in April. So that's 5 months to recover, guaranteed zero abuse-zone. And Home Depot is biking distance from my place, and is hiring for cashiers.

DJHeartBroken

11 years, 2 months ago

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@ MoQ

I'll just..... keep on looking I guess. It's just very difficult to summon up enthusiasm in general enough to TRY. I do try though. Same with applying for jobs here, keeping my ear to the ground. It's just between the pills making me sleep too much and that Kaitlyn gets home from school at 4 PM so I try to always be home...

Talbotlynx

11 years, 2 months ago

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Made a few calls to see if there was anything that could be done by those I know, connections in Florida have dried up so far for this helper. I'll keep trying because I know how bad some parts of the situation as you present it can be, personally, and hate seeing anyone stuck with it.

Next up, tracking down an old friend and their sister in the panhandle...

DJHeartBroken

11 years, 2 months ago

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@ Talbotlynx

I, um, I don't quite know how to handle this situation I've been presented. I can take care of Katiepoo but at the expense of myself....... certainly I'm willing to do that but if I get a job... I can't watch her.

Since my mother took all my money and shut down the bank account, donations are a no-go and only a handful of people would or can afford the drive to here to hand me money in person plus it feels absolutely horrible begging like that when I still have some options available, granted, a couple bus rides to Polk State College isn't "much of an option" but ... yeah...

This is going to be like my shittiest Halloween ever. The hardest thing is trying put on a brave face for her but I can't maintain it all the time. I think she knows all my terrible secrets now... my sister, I mean.

I'm just waiting for November 23rd to roll about so I can, like, just bury myself in pony fanart like an idiot even though no one is actually going to pay me for it anyway.

DragonPen

11 years, 2 months ago

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Tsk damn i live too far to be of any help.

DansLittleFurs

11 years, 2 months ago

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Edited 11 years, 2 months ago by Owner

On the off chance you live in west Texas, I have a guest bedroom you could stay in for a couple of months till you got a job and whatnot.

Scratch that, I must of missed the Florida part. Well, good luck anyways.

DJHeartBroken

11 years, 2 months ago

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@ DansLittleFurs

I've stopped believing in these things:

"luck"
"god"
"true love"
"happiness"

nanokoex

11 years, 2 months ago

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Just talk with me please, surely i can help you.

ksharbaugh

11 years, 2 months ago

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I honestly wish there was something within my power I could do to help. At this distance all I can do is tell you I hope and pray things turn around.

Saglinger

11 years, 2 months ago

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I was going to say something, but everything I had to say was more or less everything you told us not to say so I'm at a loss.

ZekLullaby

11 years, 2 months ago

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Things can become really dark... I wish I could somehow help.
The only thing I can said: Keep fighting, don't matter how hard all gets you can overcome the problems, (If not just for you, but also for your sister...) You are a really talented person. I'm sure things will soon get better. Try to keep smiling, it's free. :3

DJHeartBroken

11 years, 2 months ago

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@ ZekLullaby

I'm just numb to everything. With Paypal out, I can't even haul out of this by "internet panhandling" or "digital begging" as Zone's wife calls it.

What a neat calculated little trap this was by my mother to take advantage of me or, rather, my social security check. Funny how the money I handed over to Das and Gami without question for the rent is a whole 'nother story when it's physically taken from my purse without asking me and I can't even involve the police without landing myself in a homeless shelter and fuck only knows what would happen to my little sister...

That's IF they take action which I REALLY doubt they will because I tried once before to help Katie by going through DCF and they didn't do a single fucking thing because this is Florida.

miw

11 years, 2 months ago

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and i thought i had a shitty life...
well, sorry to hear, really wishing you yo get out of this shitty situation.

hang on, brah !

DJHeartBroken

11 years, 2 months ago

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Edited 11 years, 2 months ago by Owner

@ miw

I would never claim to have it "worse" than someone else plus I am 100% sure there are some artists out there who have it worse than me. You know—homeless and no one notices, no support network, no food available, or possibly beaten regularly.

But it's like a lot of things can grind you down over time, a combination of factors. There's no easy fixes and I'm a particularly complex equation with a lot of related variables that change over time.

It's actually my sister I worry the most for... this isn't the kind of raising she needs... plus

GamiCross

exerts some pressure on me yet I'm helpless to enact changes here in this household and my mom is too out of it to take action. When I put my foot down, nothing happens, she just mumbles sleepily and then goes back into a daze. And I must take all my feelings from the breakup and just absolutely crush them and make myself subhuman just to function so I have a flat affect. Part of that is my new pills giving me the ABILITY to control myself which I don't usually have... and many people have taken advantage of that and my trustingness over the years... when I get back control, it's usually too late and the damage has already been done.

Asking for help is useless when it's never given when it's needed.

I wish I could solve me but all I can do is put the problem back on the shelf and wait for something different to come along to change things. We already know some communities exist solely to laugh at the problems of others to feel better than them (Something Awful, GNAA, Lulz.net, 4chan spring to mind) and that they continue to compound something if they can. So what I did was diligently remove the usual targets for trolling within my comments and such and just blow off typical attack strategies.

Sometimes the shitposters get to me but then reality is so so much worse than whatever pathetic words they can throw my way. The buzzing of gnats.

Someday, I hope soon, all this will be behind me and I won't have to speak of it in the present tense.

Kronj

11 years, 1 month ago

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Faito!

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