Here I am.
I could've started with something better than that, I know. But hey, a start is a start.
I'm returning after a long hiatus from writing ANYTHING. I needed to figure something out first, something that had been bothering me. Something at the core of who I am.
Why do I care?
And the answer surprised me.
Because I have no choice to.
See, not only am I afflicted with that lazy-person's-delight-of-an-excuse, Asperger's Syndrome, I was also raised by a mother and two grandmothers to give aid to those in need. To do right by the world, to leave it better than when I found it.
Hard to do when so much of the world seems turned against you or turned away, selfishly hogging what pieces it can find for itself.
But I try nonetheless.
And therein lies the discovery. See, I'd been operating under the idea that doing one good deed would change everything. That the rewards would be seen and would inspire others.
It only works like that in Marvel Comics and movies.
In reality, doing good just means you stopped one bad thing. Now you have to worry about the countless others that are still there too. You don't get thanked (well, not very often anyhow), you tend to give so much it hurts you in the process, and the gains seem small and insignificant.
And one light in the darkness is just one light.
See, I can't count on *EVERYONE* to help me. I can't count on the multitudes to rally behind my example because I'm just a single light and, pardoning the expression, just a simple light. I don't have nearly the weight or size to inspire others easily. Not without money or, more to the point, persuasion.
Hence why I get so mad at users online who flaunt basic humanity. Those who are followed by hundreds, if not thousands or even millions. They have the fame, they have potential...and they squander it, they abuse it, they glorify in it, demanding their followers lionize them. And most of the time, they're either unaware of this fact or simply don't care.
"What do I care? You're not me, so piss off."
I got told that the other day by someone who had their headlights shoved so far up my back bumper I could laugh and see high-beams. When confronted by the reckless driving (because he parked and went to the same job *I* do), he said the above.
It's infuriating, but I'm learning to let it slide.
Because I'm only a single light.
I'll provide light for whoever I CAN. I can't do it for everyone and really, trying to would only extinguish me that much faster. For anyone who cares to step into the light I provide, I'll provide it.
I'm no hero. And I don't want to be. Heroes are a false thing, a term, not a way of life. That word is over-used and over-blown, especially here in the US with the media. Being a hero is pointless if no one will care past the initial thrill.
So I'm going to stop trying to be a Superman.
And I'm going to start working towards just being a good man. Maybe it will make others do the same, maybe it won't. But I can't focus on that.
I'm not perfect, but I can try to be good enough. I can only hope that is what it takes to live my life the correct way for a change.
5 years, 6 months ago
27 Sep 2013 10:26 CEST