“ Soup and Soda. That’s all I have sitting right in front of me. Its my dinner. I should be eating more. I came back from a long day at work and ate so little before work and during my short break. Its now near 10pm and my stomach growls for food. Its right here in front of me. I can smell my hot soup no more than a foot away from me. Condensation collecting and dripping down my cold glass that holds my ice cold soda. I’m sitting here, my spoon sticking out of the bowl, begging to pick up. But, I don’t feel like eating…
“ I have no appetite for food. I starve, but I have no motivation to eat anything. I stir the soup with my spoon while I hold my head with my other hand. I stare blankly at my food, seeing the clumps of solids drown in thick broth. My spoon collects the heat and travels from the handle to my fingers. My eyes don’t blink for almost a minute as I just stare at my soup.
“ I think about my day, then my mind travels to my dark areas of my memories, places where my mind should never go. I get depressed, much more than I was before I came home. The more I think about my problems, my self doubts, my issues, my stupidity, the lower my frown goes as well as my self esteem. I hear voices echo in my head, almost drowning out the sound of the spoon hitting the plastic plate. I did terrible things today that I regret. I’ve DONE terrible things in the past that I regret. They haunt me whenever my stomach is empty.
“ I push my soup away with my spoon. It splashes on the tablecloth. I leave it there. Thinking so much made me lose my motivation to eat. I don’t want to eat. What’s the point? Who will care? Who will know if I ate or not? I live alone. I have no love ones in my life. Who would care. I feel too depressed to even taste the food. I read that people eat more when they are depressed. For me, it’s the opposite. I hold my head with both hands, covering my eyes and feeling myself starting to cry.
“ I’m not going to eat. My stomach hurts so much from the lack of food and my mind is slowly starting to hurt, but those voices keep echoing through my head and ears. Those voices tell me that I shouldn’t eat. ‘There will be no supper for you. You are on a time out for your stupid decisions in life.’ But I’m so hungry. I need food or the pain wont go away… I almost give in and say ‘ Why bother… ‘ “
Empty Appetite © 2011 Alex Cockburn
7 years, 7 months ago
05 Sep 2011 02:04 CEST
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