The other day i was thinking about this whole streaming mess. Just turning it over in my head. Things like the reasons for it, how it came to be. Things like that. Well, in the middle of that thinking, I just realized (even though it's obvious now) that what I was doing in effect was having one of those random chat boxes open while I was drawing. This is significant in my case because over my whole history of using the internet, one thing I almost NEVER do is pop into public chats. The only times I really have would be after livestream, and even then I rarely login to chat with people unless it's people I know or the chat seems friendly or interesting from the start.
Like ever since 1999 man! That's a long time! So this 'habit' or tendency I have of looking primarily for meaningful conversation had always been there and is a lasting trait. Having a chat box where any idiot can blah all over the place turns this upside down. The reason I tolerated so long is because people I know would join most of the time and everything would be cool and fun. But there's been that concern, always in the back of my mind as I'm drawing, that something stupid will happen or somebody will show up and say the dumbest shit in the universe that I can not stand at the moment. I'd usually have this constant tension when I stream because of it. And my time there became about the super power to ignore people's shit, an inane chat, or just get it the hell over with and leave. That is no kind of environment to create art.
I have a friend or two that likes to talk about meaningful stuff. We'll end up talking 4+ hours sometimes. Debating things, discussing stuff that's fun or important, it's wonderful. Heck, compared to the random chat where strangers can't even pay attention or give you the time of day, it feels almost like getting spoiled having these long conversations with friends ^^ It's really the sunshine in my life while I toil away alone up here in this desert like place.
So, blaming myself for getting angry at strangers dumbness and feeling bad that I can't put up with shit to the level that "everybody else does" ends here. It's never had a place in my life lol. It was silly trying to force-fit such a thing because it's "the norm". I'm just better off being myself as I always was meep meep :) *hides in his burrow and whips out his paint brushes*
5 years, 4 months ago
07 Jul 2013 00:09 CEST