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A Confession of Sorts

Creativity.  I think this is one of the most powerful forces on this planet.  I’ve said so much about it in the past and this time, I’m going to illustrate just how powerful it can be.  Now, I know that I’m not the most perfect person on the planet; I don’t think any of us are.  We are a people wooed by many things in life -- money, power, fame, you name it.  Most of the time, it’s for our own self-gratification, selfishness, and greed, so that we may justify to ourselves that we did a good job without having someone else point it out for us.  I actually think the search for happiness is a much more honorable feat, because it can be just as much self-fulfilling as it can be generous to others.  All in all, a win-win situation, right?  Well, yes and no, and I will tell you how my own creativity kind of behooved me.

2007 was an incredibly bad year for me.  Everything that could possibly have fallen apart did so, and rapidly at that.  I lost so many things by the end of it that, in some sense, I’m still having to deal with the fallout.  The biggest thing to shatter was my faith.  I completely lost it.  Everything I thought to be good and true wasn’t exactly as advertised, and at twenty-five, that pissed me off so much that I contemplated taking my own life.  Before I could actually act on anything though, I had a serious think with myself.  I thought about what I was leaving behind.  The first person I thought about absolutely was my best friend.  I knew in my heart of hearts that would have torn him apart.  Immediately following that, I thought about Azlynn.  He was a character born hastily to satisfy the villainous role in a half-baked short story.  I was working on a story with him at the time, and there was just something about him that I couldn’t let go of.  It was the first time I felt relief.  I knew then -- I had a reason to live.  Not just for the people who care about me, but for the one person whom I’ve written about who doesn’t exist yet.

I must admit, I was completely unprepared for the power he had over me.  I didn’t understand it then, because I had never felt it before.  As the man I am now, I understand completely what I was feeling.  I fell in love with my unborn son.  Of all the stories I was writing, of all the feelings I was trying to convey, it was then as it is now -- love.  This love I feel in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, for a person who doesn’t even exist.  Now some would surely dismiss this as I’ve lost my mind, that I’m crazy and belong in an institution because I view Azlynn as my son and in my own creative world, as the father I would be to him if he actually did exist.  I didn’t know it then, but I don’t think existence is absolute, and that’s where faith comes in.  When it boils down to the bare bones, faith is simply something to hold on to.  It’s something to believe in.  It’s something that makes you into a whole person, even if you have nothing but an empty shell.

Albeit a fictional character, to me my Azly is very much real.  True, he doesn’t exist in our world, on our plane, but he does in fact exist.  You can’t tell me after seeing him in my dreams, and pretty powerful ones I might add, that he doesn’t.  In a time where I was in pain and suffering, he entered my shores, calmed me down, letting me know it was okay.  Sometimes as a creative person, I can see and feel the break between fantasy and reality.  I know the difference, but that doesn’t make me any less of who I am or who I want to be.  That’s why anyone who would be willing to be with me would have to accept this part of me.  Yes, being alone and having been alone for the bulk of my life is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with, but my son, my little baby makes it a tad bit easier to deal with.  Because I have something I can look at, think about, touch, and kiss, I’m reminded by myself that I matter, and that love I have to give matters.

It’s hard even for me to believe that the one person who makes me happy is the one person who does not yet exist.  It’s going to be quite the tale to tell my son, that long before he existed, he meant everything to me.  As a creative person, that’s the struggle and my own personal flaw with telling an entertaining Azlynn story -- I’m very protective of my baby.  I can’t look into his eyes and honestly say to myself that I could possibly hurt my little blue furball.  He makes me smile too much.  Sometimes I laugh so much inside that it hurts.  There again, it’s very mesmerizing and serious, but also tenderly.  It’s almost as if I can see the happy man I am in the future, staring right back at me through his eyes.  Even on the darkest of my days, it’s the one thing that makes me truly happy.
Viewed: 43 times
Added: 5 years, 6 months ago
5 years, 6 months ago
-head tilt-
How would that make you crazy?
He is your son and he is real. In some form of fashion you created him. Not with your sexual organs. But with your mind. Heart and Soul.
Thats what a true original character is :3 and soon its more then a character, Like i love everything i have made, A lot of them i consider my babies, Something i really could never part with, And in the end i made my front, The body i want and i wove my self into the world i made too shield me from the blades around me in my real life.
In my opinion inside of someones body is a small ball, Inside of that ball is a world they made through dreams and imagination, As you make friends, your worlds link and weave until they share the same existence. And in due time an entire universe is formed through bonds.
A lot of my characters couldn't exist as they do now with out the people i care and cared about, Depth is something i try to develop for the ones i hold closest. And in my opinion i think of them as real and often think twice before i do something to them that could hurt them, And often feel sad for them when they are split from another character they love. Or family.
But in the end they are apart of me and i know they will grow stronger and stronger too push past it oAo/) I am nothing but a guide... Like

This little guy here. Who you personality drew for no reason multiple times, And i still have all those images saved in his files :3
Hane developed originally as nothing but an idea, Not even one of my first, But soon soon soon,  He sky rocketed into something i loved with all my heart, A real character with depth and emotion,  A personality much divided from my own but sill part of me, That is what my babies are oAo/) Parts of be given their own life
5 years, 6 months ago
I feel very much the same way about Pepper - I realize she's not a physically tangible person, but at the same time she feels very real to me, and I feel a sort of parental bond with her. Heck, I feel really uncomfortable thinking about drawing her in overtly sexual situations (more than just cute nudes or possible masturbation).

I've struggled with issues of self-worth for my entire life, but she gives me the strength to push those feelings to the side when they tell me I can't draw. Or a number of other things, for that matter.
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