I have been contemplating some personal stuff over the past weeks and days. As per usual, I will try to put a short, informative version of everything at the top of this journal.
The short version:
I have gotten accepted by a college I applied to and plan to start studying the upcoming October. I am going to study full-time which means that I will have little to no time left to draw.
I also found a job I can work while I study to keep myself afloat financially. This will also reduce my amount of free time to tend to art. Besides that, I will also have to study at home and in my spare time.
Commissions will be closed indefinitely. I might open commissions at some point in the future, but I presume that it will be a very long time until then; I estimate that time to be at least one year, if not more.
My current stream schedule cannot be maintained. IF I ever get the chance to stream it will have to be spontaneously on a whim.
The longer (and more emotional) version:
I don't like making a big deal out of my personal life online, so I usually keep things to myself. However, I believe that it is okay to share some thoughts with you guys now.
Since the beginning of 2019 I have had a very rough emotional time. Let's just say that my mental health was severely damaged. I resorted to getting help from professionals back then, but it had taken me a while. Ever since I have made enormous progress and finally feel well enough to start anew. It's still scary and uncertainties make me worry about next to everything, still, but only to such a degree that I can take on my freshly acquired aspirations now: I plan to start studying this year's October and I want to do it well. I want to prove to myself that I can rely on me and take responsibility for my own life.
Over the last two years I have met a couple of wonderful people online, mostly via FA and Inkbunny. Art has been a major support for me during that time; not because I was able to vent a lot through it but because it provided me steadiness as something I was already familiar with to some degree. Despite that I have come to question my true intentions for drawing. When I started drawing I wanted to visualize concepts I couldn't find online, following a “others won't do it so I have to do it myself”-mentality. Nowadays I stagnate too much and it feels like I (unintentionally) switched to drawing for instant gratification rather than for the sake of art itself. And that sucks. But I do not know how to recover that spark in me at the time. For now, I decided to concentrate on what lies ahead of me 'irl'.
Although I am really enthusiastic about having been accepted for college I am also scared to shit. A lot of new input, challenges and people await me and all of these things are very uncertain. I have no idea whether I will be able to weather this storm of input... or not. I want this to be a positive turning point for my life.
There are multiple reason why I won't take commissions anymore. However, the most important one is that I estimate to not have time left to work on pictures in a timely manner. There is also the financial aspect: as long as I cannot make a steady amount of money with it – far more than I used to make on average in a year of drawing commissions (!) – I cannot spend time on that. Unfortunately, it is also a delicate process here in Germany, but I will spare you from exceeding explanations. The point is this: I have to get a governmental student's loan, which is disbursed monthly, and there is a limited amount of money I am allowed to earn on top of it. Finding a job that provided me what I need without having me earn 'too much' was (and still is) the much safer option here.
I began scheduled streaming in December 2020, following the idea that I wanted to get some more personal projects done. It didn't work out that well in that regard but I was able to experience a couple of very entertaining, enlightening streams, thanks to the few, loyal people who tuned into my streams. I love the interaction with people in the chat, which is why I came up with the idea of offering 'stream watchers suggestions'. It made me feel more connected to those who seem(ed) genuinely interested in my art. I loved that! I also noticed that speaking so much English during my streams has helped me overcome some of my fears of talking in this – to me – non-native language ~
Those who attended my streams could listen to me contemplating about art, reasons why or why not to do certain things about it, future, lay philosophies and ideologies and whatnot. I consider myself to be a person who evaluates their options, possibilities and decisions with great care; sometimes a bit too much, I admit. And I know that I am only a little hobbyist artist, but it would be unfair to those who enjoy my art if I just disappeared without any notice.
If everything goes as planned, I will have very little time to create anything anymore for (at least) a while. I want to thank each and every one of you for watching/following me, chatting with me, supporting me and simply tolerating me and my drawings! This is not a farewell, for sure, but I cannot say when I will be able to spend more time on creating art again. Who knows, maybe I'll even end up 'growing out of it' until then...
That's all for now. Take care and have a wonderful day ~
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2 years, 8 months ago
14 Aug 2021 23:33 CEST
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