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Kaon

Life and values. My mind and my heart.

by
It's intriguing how ones whole outlook and perspective on life can change with seemingly random events.

  "Think for yourself."

  Such a novel concept.  How many people simply take , without question what they are told as they are told? They don't bother to look at it objectively and ask how or why.  They simply accept that's how it is.

  For the longest time , that's how my mind worked. I looked at the world and worst of all, looked at myself and judged things based on what I had been told was the truth rather than what was the reality.

  Why the fuck should I look at anything that way, much less myself?! Why the hell should I be tortured by demons in my own mind I created myself for the express purpose of reminding myself that I'm a worthless piece of shit because I'm not flawlessly perfect in word, thought and deed 24/7?

  Yes I was bullied to hell and back as a child. For fifteen years I was spat on in the street and everyone ,told me, convinced me I wasn't fit to lick dogshit off the pavement. That when I was crying, hurt and sad they were glad because I was a sickening, sub-human sack of filth that *deserved* to suffer for no other crime than being painfully shy and a little eccentric.

  My parents tried.  They knew I was being bullied but they couldn't know the extent of what I went through. When it seems like the whole world is telling you that you are less than nothing, when everyone says..

  "Go kill yourself and make the world a better place."

  You can't help but believe it.  

They might have planted the seed, but I'm the one who watered it and let it grow.

  I say no more.

 I will not live this way anymore! Why should I , should anyone be chained as a prisoner of their own mind, their own beliefs simply on the whims of another?!

  I'm sick, physically nauseated right now as I think of all the time I spent crying and lamenting , looking at myself and seeing garbage, not caring what I said or did simply because I didn't think I was any better than the scum they made me out to be.


I am better than this. Better that everything they ever accused me of being.

  I am a good person.  I'm going to act like it from now on and see myself as such.

  The upshot of all of this? I'm a confirmed Christian, yet it was a conversation with an 'atheist' that finally managed to rip out that fucked up portion of my soul.

 I got my head out of the clouds, out of my own ass and back down to earth where it belongs.

  I'm not even going to pretend this is going to be easy. To keep thinking and acting the way I want to, the way I should rather than the twisted path I used to follow.

  The little voice in my head that always reminded me I was shit?  It's not silent. Not yet, but it's been years since the little bastard stuttered this much.
  
I'm confused and numb as my head sorts it's self out. I literally have a headache with all the conflict going on up there.

  I don't know how this will end , but i'd rather die than go back to the way I was.

  I guess time will tell.
Viewed: 23 times
Added: 6 years, 5 months ago
 
KrishnaKarnak
6 years, 5 months ago
People are cruel and disgusting. The same people who wave gleefully to you in a mall could be the types who would tell someone who's unpopular to go kill themselves. These are the people who flock to live streams of people on the verge of killing themselves, or in the process of doing so, screaming 'DO IT FAGGOT'.

Live for yourself and your own beliefs. If, along the way, you can at least be a good person -yourself-, then do so. That'll be one less asshat on Earth, anyway. There's a whole world out there that isn't going to accept anyone unless they show they're not gonna just lie there and take it. How do you bully someone who gets in your face the moment you give them shit? I can't really say much else than that, not knowing your history.

Keep yourself in good condition!
Kaon
6 years, 5 months ago
Cheers.  :3  Took a while to get stuff like that through my thick skull.  :D
KrishnaKarnak
6 years, 5 months ago
You got there in the end, and you're still in one piece as far as I can tell. I have faith you'll be alright, after all you sound just like I did when I finished school and realized the bad times were at their end. And I'm doing pretty damn good.

You need some relaxation! Get comfortable and chill with some spanko porn, it's how I mellow out :O
Kaon
6 years, 5 months ago
hehehe!  I do hope things work out. I was finished being other people's doormat a while back, now I have to learn not to be my own doormat , if that makes any sense.
KrishnaKarnak
6 years, 5 months ago
Aye, that makes sense. GL with your future, and I look forward to future works from ya.
Kaon
6 years, 5 months ago
Thankie.
NinkT
6 years, 5 months ago
   There's a whole bunch of stuff you can do to get yourself out of from underneath the funk bad memories and curses people throw at you.  Good first step Kaon.  "Recognition"

Recognize that those people will have to live with themselves, when they treat everyone else the way they do.  And its not just you they treated like shit.  All of their interactions are laced with that tinge of condescension and superiority.  And look where all that popularity got them, superficial interactions, shallow friendships, and a relationship with a false sense of security.  It's not the way I'd have it.

Recognition that in your dealings with the everyday struggles, you'll find (if you haven't already) they girl that means everything to you, and you to her.  You'll have meaningful bonds with people, and be able to tell the difference.  You'll protect yourself from falling back and you'll know what to do if you stumble.  

Stick with it.  Be positive,  When people give you ..whatever, You've got much bigger fish to fry.   Hope that this didn't come off as too preachy or belittling.  I've been there and though I haven't been in your situation I empathize.
Kaon
6 years, 5 months ago
All true.  As I said as well, I need to take responsibility for my own happiness, my own life rather than just looking at what others say on how I should live and think, be that advice and expectations positive or negative.

 With a bit of luck, I'll find what happiness means to me.
CuriousKit
6 years, 5 months ago
I have trouble with depression and negative thinking and it can be hard to get out of that mindset, made even worse if you have an official mental health label stamped on you.

There will always be cruel people in the world, but there are wonderful people there too.  If you lived nearby I would drive up to you and give you a BIG cuddle.  Think of those who bring joy into your life, those who love you for who you are.
Kaon
6 years, 5 months ago
Thankies!  :D   I think I just might.
Rakaziel
6 years, 5 months ago
First of all, I wish you all the best on your way, and especially that you may find strength whenever you need it - be it finding strength in yourself to defend yourself and your freedom of thought, or be it finding others who are strong enough in their convictions that turning a deaf ear to them will not shut them up, so that you have to actually deal with their arguments and take them apart and inspect them from all sides. If they are true, you can concede them without defeat, if they are objectively false or morally wrong and you have sufficienty taken them apart you can explain to the other why this is the case, and if they are only to some degree, percentage or likelyhood applicable, also that can be worked with, and can be done honorably and honestly. And do the same to the motivation of the person you are arguing with, and your own motivation. It will give you insights into what either of you considers true and what either of you considers morally right, double standards included. And it will give you insight into the other's perspective, and them into yours, showing either of you things you may have overlooked or ignored.

Strength of Will is comparable to a muscle, it must be strained to grow, but it also needs sufficent time for regeneration and sufficient nutrients (in case of will in the form of positive reinforcement) to actually heal and grow stronger in the process, otherwise it can grow weaker with a scar tissue of memories of feelings of fear and futility. These scars can be healed with sufficient positive reinforcement that gives you confidence to succeed in a comparable situation, best through an experience of competence or strength leading to success in a comparable matter, or which can also be brought by a perspective that considers them less relevant an thus gives them less power, allowing them to fade simply by giving them increasingly smaller amounts of attention and thus increasingly less reinforcement of the neural pathways that let these memories play a role in your decisions in the first place, and in how much energy your subconscious then lets you invest into following through with these decisions.

A good sceptic asks exactly one question - "Why", and whenever the answer does not satisfy them, they ask "Why" again. Once you have dug to the bottom, you have a number of facts that are either true or the one using them considers true, or wants you to consider them true. These can be mutually inclusive when someone is genuine mFirst, why is the one who started it arguing, be it them or you, then, why is the one that continued it arguing, be it them or you - this also makes it useful when you are arguing two standpoints in your head. Also keep in mind that the motivation for continuing an argument can change during the argument, and repeatedly, which so much as each new answer and each new topic.

Some people argue because they have seen something that they consider the truth, or morally right - essentially charity, they want to share their percieved wisdom so all can profit - or they just want to be considered wise to improve their social standing, and be it just in a comment section on the internet.
Some people argue because they want to fight - some like the challenge for the challenge, some want to feel superior by winning or at least getting the other to give up or feel inferior, which can easily degrade into underhanded tactics and bullying, some simply do not want to lose because they do not want the frustration, and often the same person has serveral of these motivations at the same time and may not even be consciously aware of it.
Some want to sell you something, plain and simple, either a product or that they are superior, right or even just that they know more about the matter at hand than they actually do aka appearing wise. Some may also genuinely believe their claims are true.
Rakaziel
6 years, 5 months ago
Cont. (sorry for long post, it is late and when I am tired I tend to get wordy and digress)

Back on topic. While I can not compare it to your experiences, I too have been bullied and too have seriously considered suicide, part of the motivation was to just end the emotional pain and part was considering myself a failure and thus unworthy of living. I have developed my mechanisms to deal with both. Considering that you have a voice to fight, here I share them with you:

The mechanism to deal with the pain was simply irrational defiance - "If I give up they win." It may also work against the voice.

The other was developing my own personal value system and defining my self worth by how much I lived by it. The values and rules were based on what I considered objectively true at the time and some shifted over the years with changes in perspective.

Given that you already have a value system and strive for an objective perspective, which in turn means that your value system might increasingly adjust to what you consider objectively true, you already have a good basis. What you need are additional columns to support it, given that the main column seems to be your faith, crises of faith can always happen and the difference between a crisis of faith and an existencial crisis is how much the first crisis affects what you define yourself by and define yourself as. One way to archieve this from your current value system is asking what is the motivation behind the values and rules you obey, both why you obey them and what was the motivation of who defined them, be they man or God. Then consider and, as far as you deem them morally right, integrate them into your value system as additional columns.
Ask "Why" and ask without fear - even if the answer is just an emotional response, emotional responses have reasons, so you can look into why you respond with that emotion - it could be a direct link, or an indirect one because you associate with something, in which case the question is why and what.
By knowing yourself, you better get to know your strengths and weaknesses, and may find ways to circumvent the latter.
That voice can actually be useful if you get it to change it's tune. Try to shift it from recorded impressions others wanted you to have of yourself for their own gain to what you define yourself as by your own values. It is a mental construct, a progam, and as such you can modify it when you know what it consists of and why it consists of that. Refute the arguments it tells in the very memories they come from, refute feelings of fear, weakness or futility you had then by the strength, competence and experience you have now.

If all else fails, or you consider it the most efficient direct approach, try self hypnosis or a professional hypnotist.
I have my own method, but I currently have not the concentration to explain it in detail. I will send you a PM tomorrow or sunday.
Kaon
6 years, 5 months ago
This is possibly the most epic and informative thing i have ever read on the internet.  That pertains to me anyways.
  You've summed up how I feel, how I want to feel and what I need to do all quite nicely!  As well as providing a boost to failing morale.  :3  It is rare that i'm lost for words but i'm utterly speechless right now. Well done, sir!
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