It's intriguing how ones whole outlook and perspective on life can change with seemingly random events.
"Think for yourself."
Such a novel concept. How many people simply take , without question what they are told as they are told? They don't bother to look at it objectively and ask how or why. They simply accept that's how it is.
For the longest time , that's how my mind worked. I looked at the world and worst of all, looked at myself and judged things based on what I had been told was the truth rather than what was the reality.
Why the fuck should I look at anything that way, much less myself?! Why the hell should I be tortured by demons in my own mind I created myself for the express purpose of reminding myself that I'm a worthless piece of shit because I'm not flawlessly perfect in word, thought and deed 24/7?
Yes I was bullied to hell and back as a child. For fifteen years I was spat on in the street and everyone ,told me, convinced me I wasn't fit to lick dogshit off the pavement. That when I was crying, hurt and sad they were glad because I was a sickening, sub-human sack of filth that *deserved* to suffer for no other crime than being painfully shy and a little eccentric.
My parents tried. They knew I was being bullied but they couldn't know the extent of what I went through. When it seems like the whole world is telling you that you are less than nothing, when everyone says..
"Go kill yourself and make the world a better place."
You can't help but believe it.
They might have planted the seed, but I'm the one who watered it and let it grow.
I say no more.
I will not live this way anymore! Why should I , should anyone be chained as a prisoner of their own mind, their own beliefs simply on the whims of another?!
I'm sick, physically nauseated right now as I think of all the time I spent crying and lamenting , looking at myself and seeing garbage, not caring what I said or did simply because I didn't think I was any better than the scum they made me out to be.
I am better than this. Better that everything they ever accused me of being.
I am a good person. I'm going to act like it from now on and see myself as such.
The upshot of all of this? I'm a confirmed Christian, yet it was a conversation with an 'atheist' that finally managed to rip out that fucked up portion of my soul.
I got my head out of the clouds, out of my own ass and back down to earth where it belongs.
I'm not even going to pretend this is going to be easy. To keep thinking and acting the way I want to, the way I should rather than the twisted path I used to follow.
The little voice in my head that always reminded me I was shit? It's not silent. Not yet, but it's been years since the little bastard stuttered this much.
I'm confused and numb as my head sorts it's self out. I literally have a headache with all the conflict going on up there.
I don't know how this will end , but i'd rather die than go back to the way I was.
I guess time will tell.
6 years, 4 months ago
19 Jun 2012 13:39 CEST