So, I have a 18-year-old dog. He rencently contracted a very bad ear infection that does not heal. Last week, one of his eyes started to, I dunno how to describe, like it's being forced to look at the left. It's also releasing some viscous liquid. I took him to the vet several times. Because of his old age, the doctor said, "everything is going to appear". That's her straightforward way to say that a dog that old would naturally have a very impaired health.
I have accepted that my dog is going to die sooner than later. And that gets me thinking "what about me?". What will happen to me, when my time comes? It pains me to think about this, so I usually ignore it. At age 14, reading a philosophy book, I was somehow comforted by the idea that, from the point of view of the person who dies, it's not different from fainting or falling asleep and thinking in those terms still gives me some comfort. But, like, man. Am I going to cease to exist?
I was raised in a religious environment, like most Brazilians were. Atheism is very poorly regarded here. If you are atheist, you are likely to be in the closet about it, if you are living in Brazil. For quite a long time, I was catholic. As a child, I used to pray regularly, even though the mass was so utterly boring. As I grew up, however, I had a very bothersome fear of death, that only calmed with that philosophy book. Yet, it comes and goes. Same goes for my beloved dad, who is also pretty darn scared of dying.
Keeping it off my mind for sake of living my life, because being so scared of death does keep you from fully living your life, was pretty easy so far. But having to take care of my dying dog keeps it in my mind. And I hate it. Thankfully, typing this out is already helping me, I feel.
That got me wondering about suicide: how can people muster the courage to actually do it? Maybe my fear is a good thing, because, when I was depressed in adolescence, it was the fear (and the hope that things could get better, as nothing stays the same forever) that kept me from comitting suicide. I then something along the lines of "if there are people willing to kill themselves, is death really that much of a big deal?". If it's sometimes preferable to life, it can't be... I'm not willing to try it out, tho.
Death seems to be all around: my grandfather nearly died a few days ago and mom's friend died this week. And now my dog. And you just have to turn the television on, to see that people die for a variety of reasons every day. Sometimes I wonder if what bothers me isn't much the idea that I can die, but actually having to wait for it. It's excruciating to feel that you will eventually die, but you aren't allowed to know how nor when. Then again, due to advancements in science and medicine, maybe there will be a time when our life span will extend much more and maybe we can have artificial youth. I am totally down to being five-years-old again. But will I live until then?
When Kiyote died, I posted a submission in which I summarized what I learned from that book: death is either a long sleep or a door to afterlife. Either way, it's not something you can rationally fear, turning the fear of death irrational. Maybe because it's irrational that I can't battle it with reason.
I wonder how you guys cope with it. I'm not feeling particularly sad or anxious, but I felt like asking your opinion on this. How do you live down with this? In fact, I'm pretty sleepy and will just grab some porn to masturbate to, before going to bed and talk to my blankets until I fall asleep. Then, tomorrow is a new day. I'm healthy and I don't think that I'll be severely wounded in my sleep. So, I'm likely to wake up tomorrow for another day of doing the same things. Don't think I'm feeling horrible or depressed. I'm more curious than anything.