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Reizinho

That fear that comes and goes.

So, I have a 18-year-old dog. He rencently contracted a very bad ear infection that does not heal. Last week, one of his eyes started to, I dunno how to describe, like it's being forced to look at the left. It's also releasing some viscous liquid. I took him to the vet several times. Because of his old age, the doctor said, "everything is going to appear". That's her straightforward way to say that a dog that old would naturally have a very impaired health.

I have accepted that my dog is going to die sooner than later. And that gets me thinking "what about me?". What will happen to me, when my time comes? It pains me to think about this, so I usually ignore it. At age 14, reading a philosophy book, I was somehow comforted by the idea that, from the point of view of the person who dies, it's not different from fainting or falling asleep and thinking in those terms still gives me some comfort. But, like, man. Am I going to cease to exist?

I was raised in a religious environment, like most Brazilians were. Atheism is very poorly regarded here. If you are atheist, you are likely to be in the closet about it, if you are living in Brazil. For quite a long time, I was catholic. As a child, I used to pray regularly, even though the mass was so utterly boring. As I grew up, however, I had a very bothersome fear of death, that only calmed with that philosophy book. Yet, it comes and goes. Same goes for my beloved dad, who is also pretty darn scared of dying.

Keeping it off my mind for sake of living my life, because being so scared of death does keep you from fully living your life, was pretty easy so far. But having to take care of my dying dog keeps it in my mind. And I hate it. Thankfully, typing this out is already helping me, I feel.

That got me wondering about suicide: how can people muster the courage to actually do it? Maybe my fear is a good thing, because, when I was depressed in adolescence, it was the fear (and the hope that things could get better, as nothing stays the same forever) that kept me from comitting suicide. I then something along the lines of "if there are people willing to kill themselves, is death really that much of a big deal?". If it's sometimes preferable to life, it can't be... I'm not willing to try it out, tho.

Death seems to be all around: my grandfather nearly died a few days ago and mom's friend died this week. And now my dog. And you just have to turn the television on, to see that people die for a variety of reasons every day. Sometimes I wonder if what bothers me isn't much the idea that I can die, but actually having to wait for it. It's excruciating to feel that you will eventually die, but you aren't allowed to know how nor when. Then again, due to advancements in science and medicine, maybe there will be a time when our life span will extend much more and maybe we can have artificial youth. I am totally down to being five-years-old again. But will I live until then?

When Kiyote died, I posted a submission in which I summarized what I learned from that book: death is either a long sleep or a door to afterlife. Either way, it's not something you can rationally fear, turning the fear of death irrational. Maybe because it's irrational that I can't battle it with reason.

I wonder how you guys cope with it. I'm not feeling particularly sad or anxious, but I felt like asking your opinion on this. How do you live down with this? In fact, I'm pretty sleepy and will just grab some porn to masturbate to, before going to bed and talk to my blankets until I fall asleep. Then, tomorrow is a new day. I'm healthy and I don't think that I'll be severely wounded in my sleep. So, I'm likely to wake up tomorrow for another day of doing the same things. Don't think I'm feeling horrible or depressed. I'm more curious than anything.
Viewed: 57 times
Added: 2 weeks, 2 days ago
 
ErrorBrine
2 weeks, 2 days ago
I hope you’ll be okay friend
Reizinho
2 weeks, 2 days ago
I likely will. Thanks for reading. uwu
ErrorBrine
2 weeks, 1 day ago
If I could I’d be with you rn and give you a hug and do stuff with you to make you happy
Reizinho
2 weeks, 1 day ago
I would like it, hon.
ErrorBrine
2 weeks ago
*hugs you*
Sonicspeed122
2 weeks, 2 days ago
If it helps any, almost everyone goes through this. And the truth is that you will never be all the way past it. But you can and hopefully will find something that will give you a better peace of mind. What that is, is different for everyone. But to share, what has given my current peace is thinking about the deeper stuff like this. It's odd as most people get more stressed when they think hard on it but for some reason thinking through it helps give me peace. You are understood somewhat by others and hopefully that can help you better understand yourself. I hope this helps even if it's just a little.
Reizinho
2 weeks, 2 days ago
It does help. I wanted to know how other cope with it. Your way to is pretty interesting.x3 Thanks for taking the time to read this. uwu
Destombera
2 weeks, 2 days ago
I lost both of my dogs to old age, about... 6ish years ago. Turns out I handle death pretty well. I don't want to sound heartless, but, I didn't exactly loose any sleep over it or cry about it.
Reizinho
2 weeks, 2 days ago
I wouldn't either. The death of others, is one thing. It's my own that bothers me. >.< Sorry for sounding selfish. oxo
cincizra
2 weeks, 1 day ago
To the extent that I believe anything, I believe that all internally consistent possibilities are equally real. This quickly leads to a metaphysics and cosmology that contains literally all possible stories, each equally real as the world I live in. Also, there are several equally real worlds that my consciousness exists in, differentiated only by things external to my living experience. In practice, due to the evidence pointing towards this world being isolated from whatever realm might follow death, I'm an atheist-like agnostic., despite some experiences pointing to an underlying spiritual force that must hide itself to keep us from knowing that we're all part of it.

When I die, my consciousness will fork between all these possibilities. Some instances will wake up from the Matrix. Others will go to various heavens and hells. Some will wake up from a dream, and others into one. Many will end, but I metaphysically cannot care about them.

Honestly, the biggest annoyance I'll have about leaving this life is that I might not be able to keep important parts like my friends and accumulated attachments. But the energy patterns behind my connections with the people and things of this world must exist in some layer ultimately hosting this reality if I'm ever going to wake up into another world after death. So even that fear is unfounded. I'll just have to find everyone again. ; )

Ultimately this leaves two problems for me to do my best at tackling before my death. 1: To make the best experiences and traits become part of me before I leave. 2: To make the best impact I can on this world before I stop influencing it. Anything else is up to fate, higher powers, etc.

I hope this helps!
Reizinho
2 weeks, 1 day ago
I wanna know how others cope with it. So, your explanation does help. It's certainly unique. o.o I never heard of such thing before.x3
cincizra
2 weeks ago
I'm glad it helps! As for uniqueness, all my ideas are stolen from others and mutated. I came up with my own version of the Mathematical universe hypothesis by taking a naively simple understanding of Plato's theory of Forms and removing the assumption that there's some limit to how complex the Forms can be. This resulted in concepts like "the Form of consciousness that exactly matches my current conscious experience" and "the Form of the entire Universe's existence from start to end" -- as abstract objects outside of physical reality and any being who may control it (tho such beings and reality versions also have Forms).

The rest is more directly copied and merged from several other sources. In fact, it's the processing of all the specific world possibilities that led me to develop my version of the Mathematical Universe Hypothesis; it was the simplest way I could think of to make coherent sense of so many incompatible possibilities.

Here are several sources I have for specific world possibilities:
- Internally identical parallel world selves: time travel stories such as Back to the Future, quantum uncertainty, statistics/probability in general
- Simulated reality: the Wachowskis' The Matrix and qntm's I don't know, Timmy, being God is a big responsibility
- Everyone being the same soul: Andy Weir's The Egg and Hinduism,
- Higher levels of reality in general: Hindu, Buddhist, or Mormon cosmology
- Everything being a dream/illusion: solipsism, Buddhism, Hinduism, a few dreams that managed to make it ambiguous if I've really properly "woken up"
- My consciousness ceasing entirely after death: simple "this world is all there is" atheism
- The absurdity of religious certainty: Pastafarianism, Last Thursdayism

(I've pretty thoroughly ruled out my understanding of Abrahamic religion as a possibility for the world I'm living in. Even if some powerful being sorta matching their description of their god really exists and did all sorts of miracles, the surviving history has been so corrupted that it's not worth starting from. I say that as someone who started from it.)
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