For those of you that don't look on my fa, this is going to be a bit strange/different read (if you read it!) From memory I've kept this stuff away from Inkbunny. It's probably a mistake, seeing as people are quite chatty on here. Though the discussions/journals are mainly about porn...
I'm just gonna do a bit of a life story here. Sort of autobiography. I just want to put all the details in one place. Try and get it off my chest. (Sorry it's really long.) So I had a friend on here that goes by the name
We were really good friends for years, at least I thought so. We'd talk on average every other day for years. Even from the first time talking I loved his personality. But about a year and a half ago (Sept 2016?) Something happened and I don't really know what happened, where he just started talking to me far less.
He was one of the few people I felt I could connect with and talk to, at the time (oct 2016) I was having stressful problems at work for several months (till Jan/Feb) and I was feeling kinda isolated with no one to talk to. I managed to arrange a gaming session with him (Dec) which brought my hopes up and gave something look forward to at the end of a horrible week. I even turned down work/money for the day so I could stay up late and play throughout the night with him (Something I don't do on my own.) When the time came, he didn't sound very enthusiastic over chat and was very quite, like doing this was a choir for him, like he didn't want to be there. Then to make it worse, he had to go and do other things, about 3-4 hours into our session; about half the time I was expecting to play with him, and about half the time we would usually go on for. The game we were playing I bought solely to play with him! That really hit me hard. I felt so alone and unwanted. I won't lie, I cried myself to sleep. That was the trigger for the "can't take it anymore" journal.
The truth is I had developed feelings for him over the years. I never pushed with them because he lived across an ocean. I felt like our friendship was truly ending. For months it had always been me starting the conversations. I decided I would hammer the final nail in the coffin and finish it off, to try and end the suffering, if that makes sense. I decided to confess my feeling for him. The classic way for killing a friendship. That sort of backfired...
"I love you too" summarises his response. He liked the idea of a relationship with me. But he needed time before getting into a new relationship, due to a bad breakup with his ex. Stupidly I got so excited, even though it 'wasn't a no'. What a fool I was. I pushed a little bit more about us after a month later, as he never brought anything up about us. It's nice to be told instead of just assuming, no? "You're really fucking special to me!" I believe that was the line. It raised my hope up. about a week later, he stopped talking to me for 2 weeks. I was currently in a different country, so time zones were better for talking (which he knew). I just got a "sorry I was busy" response. In that time I finally came back to reality and figured it all out. "Need time" = "I'm not interested but I don't want to hurt your feelings so I'll leave you hanging until you get bored and move on". And the fact I had to push him to get any sort of affection out of him. The worst part, and forever the common trend was, despite being busy, he was still playing games, still drawing, still sending messages on twitter, faving and commenting on fa. Everything he'd normally do, expect talking to me. I knew he was studying, and that was taking up lots of his time; I was fine with that. But when I kept seeing him doing everything else, and the amount of hours he'd play final fantasy online in the week (as steam keeps a record of hours.) After this, there was a new expansion for the game which he played and didn't talk to me for a month.
Yeah, I felt special alright...
But despite being annoyed with him, after to a few minutes of chatting with him (when he did reply) it felt like the good ol' times. But even time started to have it's affects. His constant alienation of me made feel disconnected from him. He used to tell me stuff that happened in his life; I only found out stuff about him looking at his twitter. He used to show me what he was drawing; I only saw it when he uploaded it. Then of course he forgot my birthday. I wonder how he found out in the end? Was due to skype/facebook giving him a reminder, or did he happen to see a journal I posted that reminded him that I exist?
The summer event in Overwatch began, and I decided to do as he done; just play a game non stop and don't use skype. That was probably a mistake. Though in that month, I had only gotten one message from him, 3 weeks in. I believe that was the last message he sent to me in skype.
Once again (August last year) stuff at work got harder (worse than before) and with feeling so lonely; he hadn't made contact with me for a good month. For months/years I had thought about what would be the best (quickest/easiest) way of killing myself. It was all I really thought about at work. It became part of a routine really. So this time I started to do the research. Hanging is really the not the best way to go, if it goes wrong! Jumping seems to be the best, if you can find somewhere high enough (beachyhead cliffs). Around the time I created the telegram account. Not really sure why tbh. I chose to turn it on out of curiosity a week later to see if anyone noticed I added a link to my pages.
He had sent me a message.
He already had my number and a telegram account, and apparently telegram notifies you of people in your phone contacts that make an account. I decided to tell him what I was planning, seeing as he was talking to me and could be the last time. I hadn't planned to tell him; it wasn't like he'd read it. He told me what you'd expect: 'don't do it', 'things could get better' etc. Later he sent me a voice message over telegram, telling me how it hit him and asking me not to do it. I felt bad seeing how sad I'd made him.
That was the last time he made contact with me.
I don't know if it was what he said that made change my mind, or reading the suicide website that talked about how people out there were just as lonely as me, but I didn't feel like it anymore. Not that I had a reason for going on. (2018 journal). I had sent him messages, trying to make contact with him. But no response. Telegram showed he'd never even clicked on the messages let alone read them. I couldn't help but keep looking at his twitter, even though it made me feel worse after. I started to wonder how sincere the voice message was. It felt like he had just left me to die. 3 months had passed. I decided I needed to remove him from my contacts. It really hurt seeing his name, and that fucking avatar, knowing that I was no longer a part of his life. It was too easy to remove it all. I did feel a little shaky. I removed a few pics with him and a favourite to try and remove any easy links to his account. It started to help a little bit, eventually. Then a while later skype started playing up, while trying to fix it, I turned on that horrible app version of skype, finding out that the app had him still there. Just to fuck me up a little more, skype said I had received a message from him! I couldn't see anything. I started wondering if he had been trying to talk to me and skype was the problem. I added him back (somehow), looked at his twitter again (last time was when I removed everything). It made me feel happy seeing stuff from him. I sent him a note asking about that skype bug. I stopped checking to see if he had opened it after a month... (He was still faving stuff.)
And now to today. After reinstalling skype on my new computer. I notice it now says we haven't shared details. I wondered if he'd looked at the note and decided to remove me. I notice he'd finally opened it after 4 months. By reflex I accidentally clicked on his name and went to his account. I saw it said he doesn't use skype anymore, so assumed it was just deactivated now. I stupidly looked at his twitter again and now found it was private. I don't use twitter. I have a really old phone and don't think I'd have anything interesting to say. And it sound like it doesn't have an IM. This has sort of hit me harder than I'd think. It's the closest message I've got to him saying he doesn't want anything to do with me.
If he ever responded to my note. I would have asked him what it was? Why he stopped talking to me as much. I don't know if it was telling him about killing myself. I never told him he was the main reason for wanting to do it. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I had told him... A few month before this all started, I had actually travel from the UK to LA to meet him. I wonder if I done or said something there that might have upset him. I wonder if he actually wanted me to come in the end? It was me that suggested it, arranged the days etc. I wonder if he regretted it. He always came off as a very agreeable person. I wonder if he was just humouring me; talking to me out of pity. And when I mentioned the whole suicide bit he just thought it's just not worth his time talking to someone as fucked up as me. He was always a joker. I guess when your joking, your not being truthful. In the back of my head I like to think that he's afraid to talk to me because of the suicide thing, but now I'm starting to doubt it...
I still think about him every day, trying to forget him, but he keeps popping into my mind. All I do know is, despite everything that's happened, I really do miss him.
An just to clarify, I hate feeling this weak and pathetic!
Any thoughts? Suggestions? I don't really know what I want or what to expect from any of this? You can be harsh. I really want honesty. Don't like being lie to or ignored. I'm not feeling as bad as I have, but I don't feel great. I keep feeling tears and I can't stop shaking.
TL;DR Got any jokes? I'm open to all kinds, including controversial.