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Kazekai

Here we go

Time for the customary ass-kissing that people usually do after embarrassing fits of rage and/or excessive amounts of wank, both of which I think I do quite well.

So yeah, glad to have people support me in their own way, truth to tell, I'm in a pretty damn good situation compared to other times in my life when I was really pissed, well, that's not entirely fair, people have always supported me, even that one time back in 2009 when I made a complete ass of myself on a forum and everyone that remotely gave a shit had every right to block me (I am still ashamed of that, directly referencing it is still kind of raw) but this is probably the first time I've really noticed it, which would file me under the ungrateful bitch category, which I totally deserve.

I am actually taking some of the advice, because it is a real problem for me that I spent half my life practicing art, but back when I started I had very different expectations about what would happen, namely; I would spread my ideas and characters across the world and everyone would love them as much as I do. Well, that didn't happen, been trying to make something like that happen for ages now, it's not going to, because really, everyone has their own ideas and characters, and it's pretty arrogant for me to think mine are any better (even though I totally do) and since I spent (I hesitate to use the word "wasted," that's just too depressing) so much of my time getting as good as I am, I might as well use it for something. In this case, attention-whoring and trying to be respected by total strangers, every internet user's dream. Oh, and eventually maybe getting a good chunk of people that like some of my ideas, provided I ever stop being lazy long enough to pump out the really good ones.

I'm still frustrated about it, I can imagine I wouldn't be the only one in a situation where human ego takes a hard blow from the fist of reality but I am using the energy to create some fanart, because people like that sort of thing...

Here's the thing, I don't like fanart. It isn't even a "I don't care for" thing, and I don't outright hate it, I don't like drawing it, or rather, drawing it transports me back in time to an age I wish I could forget, because I'm ashamed of it, and I hate myself for it, and I have done everything in my power for the past 4 years to erase it, but lately, little things of no consequence to anyone else are waking up inner demons I thought I'd learned to ignore, and at this point, I think I should just submit to them and do these things that link me to this person that I hate.

I wrote a blog post about it, if anyone is interested. >_>

And while this makes me feel embarrassed and childish to say, like some weak little school girl with no ability to support themselves, I'd be really appreciative of everyone's continued support and understanding. There, I said it, and it makes me feel stupid and leaves a giant gaping crack in my rock-hard wall of defense I've built up to prevent myself from ever being badly hurt again, I hope everyone is happy now.
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Added: 6 years, 10 months ago
 
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